'portraits only' kind of grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

Wow lady. I bet they never ask and are pretty happy they don't have to see you ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

I'm sure you had nothing to do with her attitude...

I have a nasty attitude MIL so I stay away from her. I doubt she even knows who I am. The kids see her when DH can make it happen.

It's called boundaries. My MIL is the give an inch/take a mile type.

[Anonymous]

"But I think I'm hurt that they never call to ask what the kids are up to or ask about milestones for the baby - new tooth? Crawling?"

I'm supposed to ask about this stuff? Who knew?

[Anonymous]

My mother wouldn't allow her autistic grandson in her house. Might harm her precious possessions. But she displays his photo all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

Wow lady. I bet they never ask and are pretty happy they don't have to see you ever.

+1. You can tell yourself that, but 99.9% chance that they will never come and they will never ask. Kids gravitate towards whoever shows them love -- in whatever way -- whether it's getting down on the floor and playing or just being around them. If their only contact with you is by mail and not in person, you better believe that you're not an important person in their lives and they aren't ever thinking about you. So to hold onto some fantasy about, when they're off in college or they're 22 and on their own -- the first thing they'll want to do is come to me and make up for lost time, you're kidding yourself. They've view you as all kids view old relatives -- I have to be nice to great aunt Gertrude at the family reunion but I could care less whether she's there or not and I'm sure she could care less about me.

And if by some miracle they do come to you, and you use that time to bash their mother -- assuming they love and have a good relationship with their mother -- they ain't ever coming back to you again bc no one wants to hear criticism of their nuclear family from long lost extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...these grandparents are 60ish and fairly spry. I totally get that they aren't into playing with kids! But I think I'm hurt that they never call to ask what the kids are up to or ask about milestones for the baby - new tooth? Crawling? That type of thing. Zero interest. And yet theyvputvon this show to friends and acquaintances that they're so overjoyed to be grandparents. I find it very disingenuous. visits -whether we go to them or they come here- are all about what they want to do. Kennedy Center play in the evening? Not baby friendly.

Definitely not trying to be a jerk to them and would live for them to have. Real relationship with the kids. The reality is disappointing.

If they have grandkids ranging from preteen to babies -- sounds like they have a number of grandkids. I'm sorry but your baby's new tooth or crawling is just not a fascination by the time they get to grandkid number 4 or 8 or whatever it is. I don't blame them for not caring -- they've raised their kids and probably cared a bit about these "important" milestones for the first one or two grandkids and then it was like -- ok -- all kids get teeth, let's get over it. They also likely are over the baby/little kid thing altogether. Everyone likes a cute kid -- hence the showing of pictures -- but many/most don't care for kid activities and kid talk. It's your job as the parents to dote over Aidan on the big boy jungle gym -- not theirs -- and they are of the generation where they probably didn't even dote on their kids' "accomplishments" that much. If they're into things like events at the Kennedy Center, they will relate to grandkids better when they are older teens and adults you know -- can actually have intelligent conversations; they may just have no interest in going to "kid friendly" things.

Excellent response. OP, heed this one, please. It is not a character flaw in grandparents to not want to coo over, or even ask about, every new tooth, or to not be interested in play after more than a grandkid or two has come along. Here's the positive flip side: When the kids are older and able to appreciate things like an outing to the Kennedy Center or wherever, it's possible the grandparents will be glad to take them there and share with them on that level. You might find that people you think are bad grandparents to your younger kids are much more engaged when the kids are, frankly, old enough to talk sensibly and do things that don't have to be kid-friendly all the time. It might not be your ideal of grandparenting but it also doesn't make them bad people.

I've had a couple of friends who had similar complaints, and it always seemed that those friends' experiences with their own grandparents, as they grew up, were either (1) grandparents who were the perfect, doting ones who did a lot with the child who is now the parent, or (2) grandparents who were either dead, absent, or around but not "into" them as they grew up. Is it possible that your own ideal of what a grandparent should be and do is making you hold up your kids' grandparents to some standard that may not be realistic, based somehow on your own good or bad experiences? Just a thought.

One other thought: For a reality check, read past posts on here or other parenting forums complaining about over-involved, invasive, boundary-free grandparents who insist on being around too much and interfering in a family's life and being all over the kids to the point that the parents are furious. Then count your blessings. Some families have grandparents who are so over-involved it's toxic. Your kids' grandparents may not be warm and fuzzy or even very engaged but they aren't toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...these grandparents are 60ish and fairly spry. I totally get that they aren't into playing with kids! But I think I'm hurt that they never call to ask what the kids are up to or ask about milestones for the baby - new tooth? Crawling? That type of thing. Zero interest. And yet theyvputvon this show to friends and acquaintances that they're so overjoyed to be grandparents. I find it very disingenuous. visits -whether we go to them or they come here- are all about what they want to do. Kennedy Center play in the evening? Not baby friendly.

Definitely not trying to be a jerk to them and would live for them to have. Real relationship with the kids. The reality is disappointing.

If they have grandkids ranging from preteen to babies -- sounds like they have a number of grandkids. I'm sorry but your baby's new tooth or crawling is just not a fascination by the time they get to grandkid number 4 or 8 or whatever it is. I don't blame them for not caring -- they've raised their kids and probably cared a bit about these "important" milestones for the first one or two grandkids and then it was like -- ok -- all kids get teeth, let's get over it. They also likely are over the baby/little kid thing altogether. Everyone likes a cute kid -- hence the showing of pictures -- but many/most don't care for kid activities and kid talk. It's your job as the parents to dote over Aidan on the big boy jungle gym -- not theirs -- and they are of the generation where they probably didn't even dote on their kids' "accomplishments" that much. If they're into things like events at the Kennedy Center, they will relate to grandkids better when they are older teens and adults you know -- can actually have intelligent conversations; they may just have no interest in going to "kid friendly" things.

Excellent response. OP, heed this one, please. It is not a character flaw in grandparents to not want to coo over, or even ask about, every new tooth, or to not be interested in play after more than a grandkid or two has come along. Here's the positive flip side: When the kids are older and able to appreciate things like an outing to the Kennedy Center or wherever, it's possible the grandparents will be glad to take them there and share with them on that level. You might find that people you think are bad grandparents to your younger kids are much more engaged when the kids are, frankly, old enough to talk sensibly and do things that don't have to be kid-friendly all the time. It might not be your ideal of grandparenting but it also doesn't make them bad people.

I've had a couple of friends who had similar complaints, and it always seemed that those friends' experiences with their own grandparents, as they grew up, were either (1) grandparents who were the perfect, doting ones who did a lot with the child who is now the parent, or (2) grandparents who were either dead, absent, or around but not "into" them as they grew up. Is it possible that your own ideal of what a grandparent should be and do is making you hold up your kids' grandparents to some standard that may not be realistic, based somehow on your own good or bad experiences? Just a thought.

One other thought: For a reality check, read past posts on here or other parenting forums complaining about over-involved, invasive, boundary-free grandparents who insist on being around too much and interfering in a family's life and being all over the kids to the point that the parents are furious. Then count your blessings. Some families have grandparents who are so over-involved it's toxic. Your kids' grandparents may not be warm and fuzzy or even very engaged but they aren't toxic.

+1. I know everyone on DCUM talks about wanting grandparents to get on the floor and play with kids and be involved with babies, but that just not the reality for a lot of grandparents -- esp true for those who have more than a few grandkids. As the 7th of 14 grandkids on one side of the family -- the side that was more "involved," I guarantee you my grandparents had no idea when I crawled and would never even have thought to get on the floor and play with me. But when I got older -- high school and beyond, their perspective and wisdom and just talking was way more important. Hearing about how my grandpa went from one small business to a successful businessman across industries was way more helpful and useful to my life/thinking/career and education -- I remember that; I don't remember who did or did not play blocks with me at 12 months.

[Anonymous]

Just as a couple's fourth kid doesn't get the fawning that their first child did, grandchild #10 isn't going to get the same treatment as grandchild #1 or #2. The grandparents are older, the grandkids are spread across several age brackets and they aren't going to squeal over Janie's tooth erupting.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in about some grandparents not being into small kids. And in my case, it was my own parents, and it was their first grandchild. But they were in their 70s when he was born and not on the floor much under any circumstances. And they were kind of clueless about babies and small kids (I was the last baby they had had anything to do with).

Fast forward to kids who are 12 and 14 (and grandparents who are 85 and 82) and everyone is very conversational.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're getting such snarky comments OP! My parents wanted to do a grandkid themed holiday card this year, so it was a nice arrangement of individual photos of each grandkid. They don't all need to be together in same place, in the same photo, to be on the same holiday card. Just a suggestion you could offer when they bring it up again next year.

My ILs also aren't prioritizing the grandkids, have other things on their plate, and it's just a bummer honestly. Having loving grandparents is such a joy in life and missing out on that sucks. It's hard not to be disappointed in your parents or ILs when this is the route they choose. Just continue to invite them to big moments in your kids' life - if they keep declining, that's on them. At least you'll be leaving the door open for them to connect with the grandkids if they ever change their mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

Wow lady. I bet they never ask and are pretty happy they don't have to see you ever.

+1. You can tell yourself that, but 99.9% chance that they will never come and they will never ask. Kids gravitate towards whoever shows them love -- in whatever way -- whether it's getting down on the floor and playing or just being around them. If their only contact with you is by mail and not in person, you better believe that you're not an important person in their lives and they aren't ever thinking about you. So to hold onto some fantasy about, when they're off in college or they're 22 and on their own -- the first thing they'll want to do is come to me and make up for lost time, you're kidding yourself. They've view you as all kids view old relatives -- I have to be nice to great aunt Gertrude at the family reunion but I could care less whether she's there or not and I'm sure she could care less about me.

And if by some miracle they do come to you, and you use that time to bash their mother -- assuming they love and have a good relationship with their mother -- they ain't ever coming back to you again bc no one wants to hear criticism of their nuclear family from long lost extended family.

^^ This x 1000. ??

[Anonymous]

Minus the older grandchildren, we have this OP.

I had the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Completely disinterested grandparents on one side who are not that old, as far as grandparents go (both still working age). To the point where they forget her birthday, never ask to talk to her, never ask about her when they call. Imagine my shock year one when we received their Christmas card with a photo of her plastered on it and a brag letter about their new grandchild and what a joy it was, blah blah blah.

They sound very similar. Insist on visiting, yet spend the entire visit glued to their iPads and shooing our kid away if she dare ask them to read a book or play a game. And then the guilt if we don't spend every single ounce of our vacation days out visiting them or decide to spend a holiday with the other side of the family. I'm sure when she does something they consider brag-worthy they'll be totally interested then so they can send out a horrific braggy Christmas letter and take total credit for it like they do with their own childrens' accomplishments. Until then though, they have no interest.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't participate in the portrait pictures. It's just fake. Make yourselves/kids unavailable when they try to schedule it. If they ask why I think you or DH need to be ready to respond in a truthful but polite way. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

NP. OP, you sound unpleasant. They just don't find it appealing to talk with you, even about the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I am lucky that my parents are awesome grandparents. My MIL could give two shits about her sons kids but her daughters two walk on water.

The funny thing is my MIL never saved for retirement and expects us to help her out as she gets older since we make the most money. HA! I hope she goes quick because that is not going to happen.

You reap what you sew.