'portraits only' kind of grandparents

[Anonymous]

Surely this topic has been covered here before but my kids relationship with one set of grandparents is really burning me and I need to vent. This set of grandparents -who live out of town- has been almost completely disinterested in their grandkids. I say 'almost ompletely' because they are interested enough to go out of their way to assemble all the grandkids for their lovely Holiday Card photo, but after pressuring all their kids and grandkids to travel to attend said photo shoot, showed no interest in playing with or spending time with any of the grandkids -or their grown kids for that matter!. Grandkids range fom preteens to newborn, so it's not an issue of 'oh they're just not comfortable with such and such age kids'.

I am so irritated that we have to go through this charade of the happy family - these people barely know my kids, but we have to lug our kids to see them, and when they visit us, it's all about what they want to do -generally, it's play on their iPhones and sit like statues in my living room. FIL recently turned own a request to play from my kindergartner because he was too busy surfing the web. So sad. It would be easier if we were estranged and isn't have to put on this happy family act.

Sorry for the rant, but I was just finally cleaning up holiday stuff and came across their jolly card and it ticked me off. To see the card, you'd think they were fab grandparents. Reality is they barely make ny effort to get o know the kids - its all for show.

Anyone experience similar, and how do you cope with the fake ness?

[Anonymous]

Not everyone likes playing with kids. Doesn't mean they don't live them. Plus, all grandparents show off pics of grand kids with each other. Why not let them have that bit of joy?

[Anonymous]

How old are they?

I have noticed a drop in interest starting around age 70 and then almost completely not interested by the time they hit 80- unless grandchild is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Eh, it's not a big deal. Some people don't like kids. If it bothers you that much then don't go for the holiday card anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they?

I have noticed a drop in interest starting around age 70 and then almost completely not interested by the time they hit 80- unless grandchild is an adult.

yeah, we had a great thread on this a few weeks/months ago where op's kids were getting the tired-out old grandparents and she was resentful bc sibling's teenaged kids got the caring involved grandparents. It really made me aware of where my parents are in the cycle and that it's my sister's kids who may get shafted.

[Anonymous]

Cope with it by not doing it again. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a set of grandparents that showed no interest in any of the grandchildren (or the children, for that matter). Obviously, it was harder for the children whose parents were absent but for the grandkids it is what we always knew. I can count on my fingers how many times I have seen them. They likely will never meet my children, barely know myself or my DH. They do send out a christmas letter every year acting as if they have a relationship with all of us when they don't. We mostly find the christmas letter hilarious. I think it is affecting your generation much more than it affects your children's generation.

[Anonymous]

I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

[Anonymous]

Agree that many grandparents just aren't into playing. Their generation didn't really play with their own kids (and some of the depression era ones didn't even play when they were kids). It's more helpful to find something they can engage on, like a museum, reading a book, or going out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

OP here...these grandparents are 60ish and fairly spry. I totally get that they aren't into playing with kids! But I think I'm hurt that they never call to ask what the kids are up to or ask about milestones for the baby - new tooth? Crawling? That type of thing. Zero interest. And yet theyvputvon this show to friends and acquaintances that they're so overjoyed to be grandparents. I find it very disingenuous. visits -whether we go to them or they come here- are all about what they want to do. Kennedy Center play in the evening? Not baby friendly.

Definitely not trying to be a jerk to them and would live for them to have. Real relationship with the kids. The reality is disappointing.

[Anonymous]

We dealt with the same - grandparents who have no interest in their grandchildren other than for photos to show off. We don't indulge them.

We are fortunate that the other side of the family isn't that way. It sucks and we give them very little time or attention and attention is all they want. It has to be about them all the time. We don't play the game.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 sets of grand parents. i set is VERY engaged (like a second set of parents) another set is very distant they live far and they dont know how to interact with kids. kids are 6 and 5 yo and the amount of love and care they show to the engaged grand parents is very different from the other set. we tried to fix it but had no luck. The distant grand parents are my in-laws. they had a very odd view of parenting when they were razing their kids (2 sons). My husband was the older and for some strange reason less loved child. In laws are obsessed with the younger son who is about to have his first child. The in-laws are very excited about that baby. Lets see how that goes. hopefully they will plug in into that grand kid.

[Anonymous]

Some people really don't know how to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...these grandparents are 60ish and fairly spry. I totally get that they aren't into playing with kids! But I think I'm hurt that they never call to ask what the kids are up to or ask about milestones for the baby - new tooth? Crawling? That type of thing. Zero interest. And yet theyvputvon this show to friends and acquaintances that they're so overjoyed to be grandparents. I find it very disingenuous. visits -whether we go to them or they come here- are all about what they want to do. Kennedy Center play in the evening? Not baby friendly.

Definitely not trying to be a jerk to them and would live for them to have. Real relationship with the kids. The reality is disappointing.

If they have grandkids ranging from preteen to babies -- sounds like they have a number of grandkids. I'm sorry but your baby's new tooth or crawling is just not a fascination by the time they get to grandkid number 4 or 8 or whatever it is. I don't blame them for not caring -- they've raised their kids and probably cared a bit about these "important" milestones for the first one or two grandkids and then it was like -- ok -- all kids get teeth, let's get over it. They also likely are over the baby/little kid thing altogether. Everyone likes a cute kid -- hence the showing of pictures -- but many/most don't care for kid activities and kid talk. It's your job as the parents to dote over Aidan on the big boy jungle gym -- not theirs -- and they are of the generation where they probably didn't even dote on their kids' "accomplishments" that much. If they're into things like events at the Kennedy Center, they will relate to grandkids better when they are older teens and adults you know -- can actually have intelligent conversations; they may just have no interest in going to "kid friendly" things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a nasty attitude DIL like you so we stay away from the kids. I doubt they even know who we are. The kids get mail gifts 4 times a year from us.

But one day they will come. And they will ask. And I will tell them why,

I'm sure you had nothing to do with her attitude...