How did you get close to the ultimatum line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 something husband in a sexless marriage (using the definition of once a month or less) and I'm getting tired of telling my wife in various ways that we need to have more sex. My communication has evolved over the years. Early it was positive, trying to romance and seduce her. Later it became more direct "we need to have more sex" and then direct and structured, "let's talk about a plan to have more sex, like x times a month." I'll concede that in between, I've gotten passive aggressive in stretches. That's largely a result of being enormously frustrated but trying desperately not to "go negative." Years into the sexlessness, I've just about had it.

I've heard about people giving ultimatums along the lines of "if we don't start having sex, I'm out of here," or "if we don't start having sex, I want an open marriage." None of that seems productive to me. Part of the difficulty in the whole situation is that I want her to want me. I can't make her due that under duress. And if she starts having more frequent sex with me because I've threatened to leave, that sounds like awful sex.

So, my question. For those who came close to the "ultimatum" line but not over it, and it worked, how did you do it while staying positive? And for those who crossed it, what was the point where it went negative? Details please.

You realize that passive aggression is a total turnoff, right? For me, when someone starts acting passive aggressive, I lose all respect and affection for them. It's that fast. I think thats the same for many people. Its insidious and seeps into the relationship. If you want more sex, STOP being passive aggressive. Now. No matter how justified you may feel- that is not how you express your feelings, as an adult.

Don't turn it around on him PP.

[Anonymous]

So I was the wife in a sexless marriage. My husband td me he missed the intimacy and emotional connection of sex and that resonated for me.

I set a goal of once a week and we have met that.

My issue was partially being overweight and self-conscious, partially unresolved issues with DH, and partially hormonal (peri menopause and some period issues that made me just not want PIV a lot of the time).

To be honest, my drive picked up a ton when I started an Internet flirtation with an old friend.

[Anonymous]

We were having awful sex and thus having it not that often. I kept trying to talk about what would make it better, but it took awhile for DH to be ready to address it. I gave up for a couple years after getting shut down so many times but then one night he asked " honey, what do you like? . . .sexually?" and he just listened for the first time without objection or defensiveness. It was the start of an awesome new chapter in our marriage. Now we have sex all the time and it's the best sex I've ever had.

OP, I share that to give you hope. If you're both ready, a simple question can be the pivot point you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

I don't respond well to threats.

[Anonymous]

I want you to want me...

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she takes your sexual attention for granted and you have probably lost some of your allure and mystique by being a bit milquetoast and needy. Just stop initiating and start working on yourself. Get into great shape, get your career going, and try to subtlety arrange events to show that you are successful and that you have options.

Don't get into that cycle where you are constantly "badgering" and she keeps coming up with excuses and complaints. Just back off and let her crawl back to you.

And if it doesn't work out at least you'll be in a good position after a divorce, if you've been working on yourself, while she'll have to face the dating market as a middle-aged woman.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if I said "I took her to a fabulous dinner at Nora's, then to a suite at the Hay Adams, where I gave her a cocoa butter massage while playing Barry White in the background;

You have no idea OP. If you think these things make a DW want sex. You are in deep trouble.
She needs a partner, not a boy playing giggolo.

[Anonymous]

The factors that contributed to my formerly sexless marriage were:
Not getting help with childcare
Spouse getting frustrated at time required for school/work/kids
Constant badgering for sex
Passive-aggressive behavior.
Once he stepped up, dropped the P-A stuff and was kinder the sex returned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The factors that contributed to my formerly sexless marriage were:
Not getting help with childcare
Spouse getting frustrated at time required for school/work/kids
Constant badgering for sex
Passive-aggressive behavior.
Once he stepped up, dropped the P-A stuff and was kinder the sex returned.

Do you work? Why do you think it's OK to use sex as a reward system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The factors that contributed to my formerly sexless marriage were:
Not getting help with childcare
Spouse getting frustrated at time required for school/work/kids
Constant badgering for sex
Passive-aggressive behavior.
Once he stepped up, dropped the P-A stuff and was kinder the sex returned.

Do you work? Why do you think it's OK to use sex as a reward system?

NP: How about it's not a "reward system"? How about: sex is an intrinsically emotional act, and when you feel neglected by someone, you dont want to sleep with them! You feel turned off by them. Get over it. You are not entitled to sex simply because you have a marriage certificate.

[Anonymous]

If I were the wife, why would I want a man who goes on the internet and whines, discussing our sex life?

Start with affection and tenderness. And get off the internet.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right that you can't say, "Have sex with me X times a month or I'm filing for divorce." At best, you get grudging sex X times a month.

What you CAN say is, "We've talked about the fact that the frequency of our sex life is not enough for me, but nothing seems to cha ge. I cannot be happy in a marriage with no sex, and that means that either something needs to change drastically, or I will continue to be unhappy for the rest of my life. That does not work for me. I need to see you taking steps to work on this with me. Marriage counseling/sex therapy/working with your physician to see if there is a medical reason for low drive/telling me to get it somewhere else/fill-in-the-blank. But I need you to show that you care enough about my happiness to do SOMETHING to change this situation."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right that you can't say, "Have sex with me X times a month or I'm filing for divorce." At best, you get grudging sex X times a month.

What you CAN say is, "We've talked about the fact that the frequency of our sex life is not enough for me, but nothing seems to cha ge. I cannot be happy in a marriage with no sex, and that means that either something needs to change drastically, or I will continue to be unhappy for the rest of my life. That does not work for me. I need to see you taking steps to work on this with me. Marriage counseling/sex therapy/working with your physician to see if there is a medical reason for low drive/telling me to get it somewhere else/fill-in-the-blank. But I need you to show that you care enough about my happiness to do SOMETHING to change this situation."

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Rub her feet, do thr laundry, cook dinner, and do more dishes. After that she will be draining your balls each and every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rub her feet, do thr laundry, cook dinner, and do more dishes. After that she will be draining your balls each and every night.

I'm so happy my spouse and I don't have to do chores for sex. Holy hell you bitches are crazy.