How did you get close to the ultimatum line?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 40 something husband in a sexless marriage (using the definition of once a month or less) and I'm getting tired of telling my wife in various ways that we need to have more sex. My communication has evolved over the years. Early it was positive, trying to romance and seduce her. Later it became more direct "we need to have more sex" and then direct and structured, "let's talk about a plan to have more sex, like x times a month." I'll concede that in between, I've gotten passive aggressive in stretches. That's largely a result of being enormously frustrated but trying desperately not to "go negative." Years into the sexlessness, I've just about had it.

I've heard about people giving ultimatums along the lines of "if we don't start having sex, I'm out of here," or "if we don't start having sex, I want an open marriage." None of that seems productive to me. Part of the difficulty in the whole situation is that I want her to want me. I can't make her due that under duress. And if she starts having more frequent sex with me because I've threatened to leave, that sounds like awful sex.

So, my question. For those who came close to the "ultimatum" line but not over it, and it worked, how did you do it while staying positive? And for those who crossed it, what was the point where it went negative? Details please.

[Anonymous]

You're not saying why she refuses to have sex.

Are you fat and bald? Is she fat and saggy and insecure?

[Anonymous]

You're nowhere near ready to give an ultimatum. You're focused on a symptom rather than a cause. Why isn't your DW interested in sex. Once you identify the cause of the symptom, you can start addressing it. Or, decide that it can't be addressed and divorce.

[Anonymous]

You never said why she doesnt want sex

[Anonymous]

That sounds horrible OP, I'm so sorry. The one and only time I went though a stretch of not wanting much sex was when I was on the pill and it was messing with my sex drive. After I stopped taking them I went back to wanting sex everyday. What sort of birth control is your wife using?

[Anonymous]

Maybe approach her in a ' so it's clear you aren't enjoying sex with me. Why? Has you drive just gone downhill? Is it me? I want to help you figure it out'. If she isn't responsive to that, I see nothing wrong with telling her that you want an open marriage if she won't address the issue.
Small quibble- once a month is really very little sex, way less than I want, but not quite sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 something husband in a sexless marriage (using the definition of once a month or less) and I'm getting tired of telling my wife in various ways that we need to have more sex. My communication has evolved over the years. Early it was positive, trying to romance and seduce her. Later it became more direct "we need to have more sex" and then direct and structured, "let's talk about a plan to have more sex, like x times a month." I'll concede that in between, I've gotten passive aggressive in stretches. That's largely a result of being enormously frustrated but trying desperately not to "go negative." Years into the sexlessness, I've just about had it.

I've heard about people giving ultimatums along the lines of "if we don't start having sex, I'm out of here," or "if we don't start having sex, I want an open marriage." None of that seems productive to me. Part of the difficulty in the whole situation is that I want her to want me. I can't make her due that under duress. And if she starts having more frequent sex with me because I've threatened to leave, that sounds like awful sex.

So, my question. For those who came close to the "ultimatum" line but not over it, and it worked, how did you do it while staying positive? And for those who crossed it, what was the point where it went negative? Details please.

You realize that passive aggression is a total turnoff, right? For me, when someone starts acting passive aggressive, I lose all respect and affection for them. It's that fast. I think thats the same for many people. Its insidious and seeps into the relationship. If you want more sex, STOP being passive aggressive. Now. No matter how justified you may feel- that is not how you express your feelings, as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Don't put this on him, pp.

This sounds like a natural progression.

This is on her not him. Stop suggesting otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Your "talkative" approach sounds horrible.
Lines like "we need to have more sex" may well get a girl all hot and bothered ... but not for sex!
I suspect you are all talk, no action.
How often do you initiate sex? Describe exactly how you initiate, in detail:
What do you say/do?
What does she say/do in response?

[Anonymous]

Ignoring sex for the moment, how is your marriage otherwise?

How would she answer that question?

Do you have kids? How old are they?

[Anonymous]

Ask her, in a positive tone, what would make her want to have sex more, and get back to us.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My point wasn't to elicit a discussion of my relationship with my wife -- why she doesn't want sex, whether I'm fat (I'm not -- in fabulous shape as a matter of fact) whether I'm bald (ok, yes, I'm pretty close) or whether my wife feels fat (she's a bit overweight, but I still think she's awesome, though she's very self conscious about it and that's a big reason her sex drive has tanked).

And I'm not going to give the details of how I've tried to get our sex life back on track either. My failed efforts aren't the point; I'm looking for your efforts -- both failed and successful. (I love the posters on here who ask for explicit and minute details. They don't seem to understand that the whole point of an anonymous forum is so we can remain anonymous. Imagine if I said "I took her to a fabulous dinner at Nora's, then to a suite at the Hay Adams, where I gave her a cocoa butter massage while playing Barry White in the background; then she promptly went to sleep on the oversized feather bed without fucking me first." Great. Now I've outted myself to the one person I want to least know that I'm the OP. Dumbasses.)

Anyway, my request was for YOUR details, in snippets -- no need to give yourselves away. I'm trying to gather material to make another pass at this without tipping the boat over.

[Anonymous]

DW here. Been where you are. It is terrible feeling unwarned by your spouse. We were sexless like you for years and he would not respond to my pleas for more sex. In addition there was almost zero emotional connection as well, just child reading and going to work. I just had it and told him that I could not go on in a marriage that was so lacking emotionally and physically and that I was going to counseling to figure this out for myself. He said that he wanted to join me in counseling. We are not out of the woods but are working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Been where you are. It is terrible feeling unwarned by your spouse. We were sexless like you for years and he would not respond to my pleas for more sex. In addition there was almost zero emotional connection as well, just child reading and going to work. I just had it and told him that I could not go on in a marriage that was so lacking emotionally and physically and that I was going to counseling to figure this out for myself. He said that he wanted to join me in counseling. We are not out of the woods but are working on it.

Ugh sorry for typos!!!

Unwanted, child rearing.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who asked about your marriage generally, and the reason I did so is that usually lack of sex in the marriage is not about sex, at least in my experience. It's about other aspects of the relationship that are lacking and that destroy sexual attraction. If that is what is going on with your wife, then trying more strategies to get her to have/want sex with you more is not going to get you far in the long run. You have to address the underlying cause(s) as well.

You don't have to answer any of this here, just think about it and see if it gives you any insight.