Seeing a relationship you envy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:No problem. Make sure you make this convo stick though, you shouldn't have to have this talk many times. Change is hard, but if the motivation is there you should get results

This guy sounds like a wuss, so what is the wife's motivation to change

A wuss because he would like to be treated with respect and kindness in his relationship? That's absurd, stop taking your anger at your own DH out on the OP, FFS.

[Anonymous]

People don't change. They should, but they don't.

[Anonymous]

I think it's crazy to judge this couple based on how they behaved at a holiday work party! I don't care if my husband and I were tearing eachothers eyes out at 3 pm that day; I would show up at the work party looking good and being pleasant and charming.

They're dressed up, out for the night, having a couple drinks.... That's like every couple's most easiest scenario in terms of being nice to each other. It's in NO WAY indicative of how their day to day lives are. Not saying they don't have a great relationship, they might, but I don't think you can judge based on this very skewed situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad advice. This would piss me off to no end. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

A-fuckin'-men. I would be infuriated to the point of not being able to engage in a productive conversation. This reeks of magical thinking and I can't even take it seriously.

How about this: next time your wife says something dismissive, unappreciative, contemptuous, condescending, whatever, that you don't feel is appropriate, then call her out on it. Don't get angry, don't raise your voice, don't yell and lose control of your emotions, but tell her clearly and plainly that you don't like it, and why. Point out how you treat her differently for the same things (like saying, 'thank you for making dinner so I didn't have to" or "thank you for doing the laundry"). If she doesn't start appreciating you, then 'drop the rope'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that naming the COUPLE (not the individual woman) may be okay. Let DW know that's the type of RELATIONSHIP you hope to have. Maybe she's never seen it modeled before and now you have it.

Bad advice. This would piss me off to no end. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

+1

I agree and am a female. If my DH said this to me, however sincerely, I would assume DH had the hots for the wife in the couple and would forever have a complex about her. Just being honest. Maybe I get jealous too easily but don't stir the pit more than you should.

Perhaps if you are out in public and see a family or couple you don't know, behaving in a way you would want to immulate, that could be an opportunity to point out "hey see how they are still tender with each other when their kid is frustrating them, etc......" Or "see that older couple holding hands, I hope we are like that at their age....."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outside looking in is never what it seems. People have their public face. private face and they are never the same.

+1

I guarantee you, that this couple is not as perfect as they seem.

In fact, I tend to think those who look most together on the outside, are the ones who falter most privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was recently out on a christmas party with people from work and met a couple that I became desperately envious of. I wouldn't say that had it all, so to speak, but what they did have was a wife who was very good to her husband. Understanding, kind, loving, respectful. Qualities that I wish I had in my marriage. That is not to say that it is always bad, but I wouldn't say those qualities I mentioned are always things my wife puts forth as things of super high priority. Before you bag on me, those were qualities I have actually told her that I would like to have in our marriage, and I work on those each and every day. Even my wife admits that she is less than nice while I am super good to her. Is there any way to bring this up to her without naming the couple? Advice welcomed, thank you in advance, but I also expect to get flamed since it is clear that I am guy here, and women have tended to side with women in general from what I have gathered here.

Maybe that wife is only good to her husband at work Christmas parties?

*Christmas bells ringing* We have a winner!!

I know so many people who put up such an amazing front and are such a disaster behind closed doors it's amazing.

[Anonymous]

1. I assumed OP's wife couldn't even pull off the respect thing at a Christmas party.
2. Even if that was the woman's public face, it's still a model of what he wants.
3. Why do people always go to the 'I'll bet it's a facade' to make themselves feel better?

Face it! Some people's lives are better than yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I assumed OP's wife couldn't even pull off the respect thing at a Christmas party.
2. Even if that was the woman's public face, it's still a model of what he wants.
3. Why do people always go to the 'I'll bet it's a facade' to make themselves feel better?

Face it! Some people's lives are better than yours!

Because it isn't reality. A public snippit of "model of what you want" is like looking at an airbrushed picture in a magazine, and thinking "I want to look like that." You're looking at a concocted image that generally isn't sustainable or possible in ordinary, day-to-day life.

Re: your last line? Good lord, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

You have NO idea what that other couple us like behind closed doors.

You'd probably be shocked. I say that as a couple people assume is 'perfect'.

[Anonymous]

I was recently out on a christmas party with people from work and met a couple that I became desperately envious of. I wouldn't say that had it all, so to speak, but what they did have was a wife who was very good to her husband. Understanding, kind, loving, respectful. Qualities that I wish I had in my marriage.

Did you try talking to your wife? Not arguing, just talking. Seeing where she is in her concept of her life? How she thinks things are going?

I bring that up because I started out very happy in our relationship, and then I got kind of mean for a while. It was after our baby was born, and I was constantly frustrated by work, life demands, my husband not taking responsibility for things. I didn't want to be playful and kindness wasn't the first thing that came to mind because I was looking at thousands of little reminders every day about how little I could control and how futile everything felt. So even nice requests - "how come we don't go out an have fun anymore?" became fights because I was frustrated looking at a trainwreck house, doing double shift with the kid, and working 70 hour weeks (for no real reason, boss was a micromanager.)

I say all that to say - check in with your wife. Our relationship improved when life improved - hubs started taking more responsibility around the house, I quit the job that was stressing me out and found another one that is much more low key, the baby got older and more independent. It's not quite where it was but we both understand each other's needs a lot more and work harder on making it happen. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Rather than focusing on this other couple that you really don't know well at all, focus on your marriage. You & she have some down time, aren't in the thick of chasing after kids & cleaning up the house, tell her that you still want to have that relationship you & she had discussed years ago and that you're still hopeful you can build it together. Ask to get some time on the calendar, away from the kids & the house, to really talk it through. Maybe you all could attend a retreat together that focuses on communication skills. Your wife may want to be sweeter than she is, but it's not easy to change the patterns you've held all your life - it's your default mode when you're not focusing on it. So take some time to come up with new communication patterns together.

[Anonymous]

I treat my guy with respect because I make a conscience effort to do so. It's not a tough for me because I truly adore him.

Be honest with your wife, OP. Buy her a relationship book. I read For Men Only and For Women Only (I can't italicize on my phone right now). If you can get past the religious part, it offers good insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outside looking in is never what it seems. People have their public face. private face and they are never the same.

I was just going to post this. My mentally ill brother is involved with a very toxic woman and their home life is a nightmare that you cannot imagine. But they look like "perfect loving couple" out in public. They are all about the show they put on....

Focus on individual traits if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you name a tv couple that has the relationship you desire? Or a famous real married couple?

22:46 while this is true, my private face is very, very close to my public one. the only difference is that I curse in private and my jokes are a little dirtier. But I'm definitely just as kind to DH in public and in private.

Same. In fact we tone down our affections a lot in public.