S/O Dating a "State Department" employee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he in the foreign service? You know they move every 2-3 yrs and don't get much control over assignments.

Read more carefully...

Cue music: Wa, wah, waaaah!



Most spy work is boring. If someone is a cheater, they'd be a cheater no matter what their profession.

State Dept. employees are not spies. They are bureaucrats. Paper pushers. Cable senders.

Most employees at CIA do not have extensive cover built for them (even ncs operators, many are under official cover) so most will say they work at 'state' when they are in town. that's what OP is referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never dated anyone in it but my dad worked in the state department and he fits this bill. Very dishonest, will straight up admit to your face that he lied to you about something, and super cheap. He was a monster of a husband and we grew to love the years when he was away. When he came back after 3 years the relationship just fell apart- I have never met anyone with poorer interpersonal skills. Everything had to be his way, there was no room for my mom's opinion. She finally left when I was 16 and we all cut off contact with him. Because he wouldnt pay for college and I was drowning in student loans we were forced to get back in touch with him, but it;s not a close relationship to say the least. He is always moaning about how my mother left him and hoping to get back together with her, meanwhile my mother would not go there in a million years. He has been through a string of women since them, never really gotten too close and doesnt have any close friends. Now he is single and alone- his closest friend is his mother. I would feel bad for him if he weren't such a P.O.S. This is a man who has a trust fund and makes 6 figures and thinks Chipotle is an expensive meal- everything with him is shoddy and a struggle. SO if others in the state department are like him, then yes, stay far away.

You have as many issues as he does if you think generalizing like this is instructive.

I never generalized. I told my personal story and said "IF others are like him"... I never said they were.

[Anonymous]

I never date anyone from the Agency but have known a number of people who work there or in similar places. Honestly, the vast majority of them are doing office work, many don't even use a cover. I'm sure there are people who fit the stereotype you're thinking of, but I haven't met any of them. The guys I knew were very bookish and reserved. Even people doing boring office work probably won't talk much about their job, though, so if that bothers you, you should think twice about dating him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never date anyone from the Agency but have known a number of people who work there or in similar places. Honestly, the vast majority of them are doing office work, many don't even use a cover. I'm sure there are people who fit the stereotype you're thinking of, but I haven't met any of them. The guys I knew were very bookish and reserved. Even people doing boring office work probably won't talk much about their job, though, so if that bothers you, you should think twice about dating him.

Former DI here - that's us. We aren't door kickers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never dated anyone in it but my dad worked in the state department and he fits this bill. Very dishonest, will straight up admit to your face that he lied to you about something, and super cheap. He was a monster of a husband and we grew to love the years when he was away. When he came back after 3 years the relationship just fell apart- I have never met anyone with poorer interpersonal skills. Everything had to be his way, there was no room for my mom's opinion. She finally left when I was 16 and we all cut off contact with him. Because he wouldnt pay for college and I was drowning in student loans we were forced to get back in touch with him, but it;s not a close relationship to say the least. He is always moaning about how my mother left him and hoping to get back together with her, meanwhile my mother would not go there in a million years. He has been through a string of women since them, never really gotten too close and doesnt have any close friends. Now he is single and alone- his closest friend is his mother. I would feel bad for him if he weren't such a P.O.S. This is a man who has a trust fund and makes 6 figures and thinks Chipotle is an expensive meal- everything with him is shoddy and a struggle. SO if others in the state department are like him, then yes, stay far away.

What does that even mean? How could he pay for college if you had cut off all ties with him? How would he even know how to do that? (And why would he, if you had cut all ties with him?) Doesn't this just mean that you stopped talking to him, but then asked him for money to get through college? You weren't "forced" to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never dated anyone in it but my dad worked in the state department and he fits this bill. Very dishonest, will straight up admit to your face that he lied to you about something, and super cheap. He was a monster of a husband and we grew to love the years when he was away. When he came back after 3 years the relationship just fell apart- I have never met anyone with poorer interpersonal skills. Everything had to be his way, there was no room for my mom's opinion. She finally left when I was 16 and we all cut off contact with him. Because he wouldnt pay for college and I was drowning in student loans we were forced to get back in touch with him, but it;s not a close relationship to say the least. He is always moaning about how my mother left him and hoping to get back together with her, meanwhile my mother would not go there in a million years. He has been through a string of women since them, never really gotten too close and doesnt have any close friends. Now he is single and alone- his closest friend is his mother. I would feel bad for him if he weren't such a P.O.S. This is a man who has a trust fund and makes 6 figures and thinks Chipotle is an expensive meal- everything with him is shoddy and a struggle. SO if others in the state department are like him, then yes, stay far away.

What does that even mean? How could he pay for college if you had cut off all ties with him? How would he even know how to do that? (And why would he, if you had cut all ties with him?) Doesn't this just mean that you stopped talking to him, but then asked him for money to get through college? You weren't "forced" to do anything.

We were forced by economic factors, you imbecile. If you're asking if someone put a gun to my head, no. But there are other ways of making people do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never dated anyone in it but my dad worked in the state department and he fits this bill. Very dishonest, will straight up admit to your face that he lied to you about something, and super cheap. He was a monster of a husband and we grew to love the years when he was away. When he came back after 3 years the relationship just fell apart- I have never met anyone with poorer interpersonal skills. Everything had to be his way, there was no room for my mom's opinion. She finally left when I was 16 and we all cut off contact with him. Because he wouldnt pay for college and I was drowning in student loans we were forced to get back in touch with him, but it;s not a close relationship to say the least. He is always moaning about how my mother left him and hoping to get back together with her, meanwhile my mother would not go there in a million years. He has been through a string of women since them, never really gotten too close and doesnt have any close friends. Now he is single and alone- his closest friend is his mother. I would feel bad for him if he weren't such a P.O.S. This is a man who has a trust fund and makes 6 figures and thinks Chipotle is an expensive meal- everything with him is shoddy and a struggle. SO if others in the state department are like him, then yes, stay far away.

What does that even mean? How could he pay for college if you had cut off all ties with him? How would he even know how to do that? (And why would he, if you had cut all ties with him?) Doesn't this just mean that you stopped talking to him, but then asked him for money to get through college? You weren't "forced" to do anything.

We were forced by economic factors, you imbecile. If you're asking if someone put a gun to my head, no. But there are other ways of making people do things.

But you said "he wouldn't pay for college" as though that is another thing that makes him horrible. Did he pay for college? And could he possibly have paid for college if you had "cut off all ties" with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never date anyone from the Agency but have known a number of people who work there or in similar places. Honestly, the vast majority of them are doing office work, many don't even use a cover. I'm sure there are people who fit the stereotype you're thinking of, but I haven't met any of them. The guys I knew were very bookish and reserved. Even people doing boring office work probably won't talk much about their job, though, so if that bothers you, you should think twice about dating him.

Former DI here - that's us. We aren't door kickers.

Are DIs required to remain under cover?

I may have dated someone in NCS because none of them could break cover.

[Anonymous]

OP, yours likely will. Here's why. You are worried about cheating before you barely start a relationship. You don't trust the secrecy surrounding what he does and view it only in the context of unfaithfulness. So you will always be suspicious and probing, especially if the person is out of touch for a while or working long hours. Over time you will fall into the role of non-supportive person, which will be draining to your significant other. This person will become close with colleagues and other people, and will find someone who 'gets him without all the questions'. Eventually something will happen.

Just like in all other walks of life, there are all types. Some people stay faithful, others cat around. But if you go into a relationship with this chip on your shoulder, it's not going to end well, even if cheating isn't the cause of the future breakup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never dated anyone in it but my dad worked in the state department and he fits this bill. Very dishonest, will straight up admit to your face that he lied to you about something, and super cheap. He was a monster of a husband and we grew to love the years when he was away. When he came back after 3 years the relationship just fell apart- I have never met anyone with poorer interpersonal skills. Everything had to be his way, there was no room for my mom's opinion. She finally left when I was 16 and we all cut off contact with him. Because he wouldnt pay for college and I was drowning in student loans we were forced to get back in touch with him, but it;s not a close relationship to say the least. He is always moaning about how my mother left him and hoping to get back together with her, meanwhile my mother would not go there in a million years. He has been through a string of women since them, never really gotten too close and doesnt have any close friends. Now he is single and alone- his closest friend is his mother. I would feel bad for him if he weren't such a P.O.S. This is a man who has a trust fund and makes 6 figures and thinks Chipotle is an expensive meal- everything with him is shoddy and a struggle. SO if others in the state department are like him, then yes, stay far away.

What does that even mean? How could he pay for college if you had cut off all ties with him? How would he even know how to do that? (And why would he, if you had cut all ties with him?) Doesn't this just mean that you stopped talking to him, but then asked him for money to get through college? You weren't "forced" to do anything.

We were forced by economic factors, you imbecile. If you're asking if someone put a gun to my head, no. But there are other ways of making people do things.

But you said "he wouldn't pay for college" as though that is another thing that makes him horrible. Did he pay for college? And could he possibly have paid for college if you had "cut off all ties" with him?

It's really not your business. You seem WAY overly personally invested in this, tbh. Are your kids not speaking to you or something? And from your hostile tone, you're not exactly someone I would want to open up to. Thanks but no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never date anyone from the Agency but have known a number of people who work there or in similar places. Honestly, the vast majority of them are doing office work, many don't even use a cover. I'm sure there are people who fit the stereotype you're thinking of, but I haven't met any of them. The guys I knew were very bookish and reserved. Even people doing boring office work probably won't talk much about their job, though, so if that bothers you, you should think twice about dating him.

Former DI here - that's us. We aren't door kickers.

Are DIs required to remain under cover?

I may have dated someone in NCS because none of them could break cover.

We are told to use our judgement, which means not blabbing about it at a dinner party or out on a date or really to your friends all that much.

things are different in NCS, but most NCS employees as a I said are under 'official cover' so in this town the 'state department' thing wears thin.

It was just easier for me to file a dummy llc for a consulting company and use that for social situations with non-agency personnel when anyone asked where I worked or what I do- this is a small town so when you do run into someone who actually works at state or treasury or someone who is nosy, my method works.

This was also in my twenties - i'm sure if i was in my thirties and I was meeting women for ultra serious relationships or if I did extended tours abroad, it would not be as effective. In my situation I just felt more natural and comfortable to do my method than to say 'oh i work in gov or state or treas or whatever'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yours likely will. Here's why. You are worried about cheating before you barely start a relationship. You don't trust the secrecy surrounding what he does and view it only in the context of unfaithfulness. So you will always be suspicious and probing, especially if the person is out of touch for a while or working long hours. Over time you will fall into the role of non-supportive person, which will be draining to your significant other. This person will become close with colleagues and other people, and will find someone who 'gets him without all the questions'. Eventually something will happen.

Just like in all other walks of life, there are all types. Some people stay faithful, others cat around. But if you go into a relationship with this chip on your shoulder, it's not going to end well, even if cheating isn't the cause of the future breakup.

I actually was not worried about cheating with the person I was dating at the time and understood the secrecy involved. However, the stories I was told about other employees indiscretions were disturbing. Everyone (4 people) agreed that affairs were rampant by their colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never date anyone from the Agency but have known a number of people who work there or in similar places. Honestly, the vast majority of them are doing office work, many don't even use a cover. I'm sure there are people who fit the stereotype you're thinking of, but I haven't met any of them. The guys I knew were very bookish and reserved. Even people doing boring office work probably won't talk much about their job, though, so if that bothers you, you should think twice about dating him.

Former DI here - that's us. We aren't door kickers.

Are DIs required to remain under cover?

I may have dated someone in NCS because none of them could break cover.

We are told to use our judgement, which means not blabbing about it at a dinner party or out on a date or really to your friends all that much.

things are different in NCS, but most NCS employees as a I said are under 'official cover' so in this town the 'state department' thing wears thin.

It was just easier for me to file a dummy llc for a consulting company and use that for social situations with non-agency personnel when anyone asked where I worked or what I do- this is a small town so when you do run into someone who actually works at state or treasury or someone who is nosy, my method works.

This was also in my twenties - i'm sure if i was in my thirties and I was meeting women for ultra serious relationships or if I did extended tours abroad, it would not be as effective. In my situation I just felt more natural and comfortable to do my method than to say 'oh i work in gov or state or treas or whatever'.

I dated this person for several months and never officially knew he worked at the agency, but I figured it out quickly. They did 2-3 year assignments abroad every 5 years with shorter (one week to 8 week) assignments abroad in between.

[Anonymous]

The culture you are describing is true, not just with single people. I know, but I know some nice family oriented people too.

[Anonymous]

How ironic that infidelity would be rampant among professionals whose career depends upon high-level security clearance. Infidelity is grounds for loss of clearance, which in turn means loss of employment.