Talking to DD about classmate with Downs Syndrome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think it's more her being clueless and trying to understand differences and she is trying to process it. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it and obviously want to raise a kind daughter. I talked with her about how people's bodies work different and how it can take classmate a little longer to learn things and to be respectful - and using the teachable moment that it's not nice to copy how other people act and how it would make her sad if people did that to her. I love the 'being a good friend' language & will reinforce that and the copying - and am going to raise it at teacher conference next week that it sounded like it was becoming a wider class issue.

You need to point out that he has strengths, as well as "differences." His strength is probably his kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I do think that if this child with DS is the only child with a disability in the pre-K class that the teacher should have taken the lead in introducing through social stories and even appropriate level books which one can find in the local library about learning difference or "differing abilities" as is sometimes used with a wide variety of disabilities. Nowadays, one is apt to see students with mobility devices, visual impairments, hearing systems in the classroom. DS is different and children become aware earlier because the child with DS has different physical features as well as perhaps functioning as your child has aptly described 'like a 2 year old" in perhaps a class of 4 year olds. It is is about explaining differences in learning rates, but also that one with a disability is not so different from other children. Being kind to any person if not always understanding the differences is key.

OP here again, thanks for this. It's 'interesting' that DD herself has a noticeable unusual walking/running gait --- she's supposed to 'grow out of' but it likely to be noticeable for a couple more years but none of the kids seem to have noticed or commented on it at this point... (and DD doesn't seem aware of any issue) but I assume that will be coming soon.

I don't think the teacher has addressed it & I was surprised by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

Totally correct. This is just something new to your daughter and, at such a young age, it can be explained fairly easily. The nanny thing is what is really disturbing. They should be reported to the teacher and school. It is bullying, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I do think that if this child with DS is the only child with a disability in the pre-K class that the teacher should have taken the lead in introducing through social stories and even appropriate level books which one can find in the local library about learning difference or "differing abilities" as is sometimes used with a wide variety of disabilities. Nowadays, one is apt to see students with mobility devices, visual impairments, hearing systems in the classroom. DS is different and children become aware earlier because the child with DS has different physical features as well as perhaps functioning as your child has aptly described 'like a 2 year old" in perhaps a class of 4 year olds. It is is about explaining differences in learning rates, but also that one with a disability is not so different from other children. Being kind to any person if not always understanding the differences is key.

OP here again, thanks for this. It's 'interesting' that DD herself has a noticeable unusual walking/running gait --- she's supposed to 'grow out of' but it likely to be noticeable for a couple more years but none of the kids seem to have noticed or commented on it at this point... (and DD doesn't seem aware of any issue) but I assume that will be coming soon.

I don't think the teacher has addressed it & I was surprised by that.

Maybe I'm off base here but given the fact that your daughter has a gait issue I would be concerned about where her tendency to pick on this kid is coming from. I'm not saying her peers are necessarily picking on her but I think you might want to investigate the possibility that unkind comments have, in fact, been made to your daughter about her walking and running gait. It would not surprise me that she's giving it to this kid because other kids have been unkind to her. A teacher who lets teasing go on, or at least doesn't emphasize inclusion, is going to be oblivious. OP, perhaps you might want to explore this issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Important to remember these are 4 year olds -- and it's the first time my daughter mentioned this and she didn't do it front of him or around him, she was describing what classmate is like - really trying to process it. Our nanny mentioned that she had heard other kids were talking about it - the first time she heard it, so it could be addressed (ie. I think the nanny was being proactive and responsible to say she thought it was something to address). So, I'd say this is early intervention vs. something that has been going on at any period of time - and we were looking for things to nip it in the bud. DD has NOT encountered any teasing for her situation (which is pretty mild to be honest) yet - I was just point it out to say it's something I was thinking about how to deal with when it inevitably happens to her.

[Anonymous]

For a 4 yo, you have to keep it simple. Just say to be nice to the child, he is different from the others, but you still need to treat him like the others (saying "hi", playing with him, etc.) but be extra nice and don't get upset if he acts younger. You also need to be checking to see if your child is still being nice, to see that she remembers. Tell her to not ignore him, which is what some kids and adults do to others that are different.

I agree with the others, bring it up with the teacher about the larger group imitating him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

It's great that you're thinking of this, but please don't use "weak" in relation to people with disabilities and don't imply that people without visible disabilities are "strong." I would much rather take an "everyone is different" approach, without introducing terms of value and judgment.

I think that your point about weak is valid. But you are missing the point. The point is not that people with disabilities are weak and people without are strong. The point is to say that this kindergartner has a strong body. That kid. And to empower her to care for others and watch over them, not be mean. Also, I find the "everyone is different" approach to be confusing and demeaning to young children. They know that people with disabilities are not just "different" like blue eyed and brown eyed people. It's silly to pretend.

But if you're saying that this language is okay because it's specific to this case, that's no good either. DS isn't a physical disability, necessarily. The kid with DS doesn't necessarily have a "weak" body -- he just has a mind that learns things differently.

DS is also a physical disability as almost all people with DS have low muscle tone, so the girl in the class might appear "floppy" and will need help with gross and fine motor activities. So it might be accurate to explain the girl is weaker and might have more safety concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

It's great that you're thinking of this, but please don't use "weak" in relation to people with disabilities and don't imply that people without visible disabilities are "strong." I would much rather take an "everyone is different" approach, without introducing terms of value and judgment.

I think that your point about weak is valid. But you are missing the point. The point is not that people with disabilities are weak and people without are strong. The point is to say that this kindergartner has a strong body. That kid. And to empower her to care for others and watch over them, not be mean. Also, I find the "everyone is different" approach to be confusing and demeaning to young children. They know that people with disabilities are not just "different" like blue eyed and brown eyed people. It's silly to pretend.

Okay. I'd just like to let you know that I have been a professional in this area for many years, including as a professor and a board member for disability rights organizations, and what you've written here is a good example of the kind of ignorance prejudice that the disability rights community finds troubling.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, should have read "ignorance and prejudice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

It's great that you're thinking of this, but please don't use "weak" in relation to people with disabilities and don't imply that people without visible disabilities are "strong." I would much rather take an "everyone is different" approach, without introducing terms of value and judgment.

I think that your point about weak is valid. But you are missing the point. The point is not that people with disabilities are weak and people without are strong. The point is to say that this kindergartner has a strong body. That kid. And to empower her to care for others and watch over them, not be mean. Also, I find the "everyone is different" approach to be confusing and demeaning to young children. They know that people with disabilities are not just "different" like blue eyed and brown eyed people. It's silly to pretend.

Okay. I'd just like to let you know that I have been a professional in this area for many years, including as a professor and a board member for disability rights organizations, and what you've written here is a good example of the kind of ignorance prejudice that the disability rights community finds troubling.

Thank you for this comment. I am floored by The discrimination and stigma that seems to underpin this advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, my daughter is in school and her best friend has special needs (autism, so different...but maybe my advice applies) they have been best friends since they were 3 and she knows there are differences between them especially as they get older.

I just tell her things like "Jane's brain works differently than yours". or "your really good and X and Jane is really good at Y".

At 4 kids just want to play and I'm sure your child will play this other child just fine. Point out the positive things and things that make the kids the same. Or, that's what is working for us.

[Anonymous]

While pointing out differences, you can also point out similarities. Jane likes stuffed animals, coloring and pizza--just like you do, etc.

[Anonymous]

You're a good mom, OP. And if DD doesn't grow out of the usual gait thing, you know where to find us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

It's great that you're thinking of this, but please don't use "weak" in relation to people with disabilities and don't imply that people without visible disabilities are "strong." I would much rather take an "everyone is different" approach, without introducing terms of value and judgment.

I think that your point about weak is valid. But you are missing the point. The point is not that people with disabilities are weak and people without are strong. The point is to say that this kindergartner has a strong body. That kid. And to empower her to care for others and watch over them, not be mean. Also, I find the "everyone is different" approach to be confusing and demeaning to young children. They know that people with disabilities are not just "different" like blue eyed and brown eyed people. It's silly to pretend.

Okay. I'd just like to let you know that I have been a professional in this area for many years, including as a professor and a board member for disability rights organizations, and what you've written here is a good example of the kind of ignorance prejudice that the disability rights community finds troubling.

Thank you for this comment. I am floored by The discrimination and stigma that seems to underpin this advice.

I'm confused. Which part is ignorant and discriminatory? NP here. Calling somebody weak is bad. But telling a child that she has a strong body (and mind) and to use that body and mind to help others sounds empowering to me. I also agree with PP's second point about pretending a child with DS's differences are no different than hair color or eye color. Kids aren't that dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do two things.

You need to talk to your child about mean girl behavior in general. Imitating people isn't nice. It isn't a matter of this child having DS. We don't mimic people. We don't talk about their behavior. We don't laugh at their conduct.

And you need to have a word with the teacher about how this child is being treated.

If you want to talk to your child about disability, I recommend saying something like "Your body is strong. Not everyone has a strong body like you. Some people use wheelchairs. Some people like Teddy have Down Syndrome. Some people are weak and need your help. What are some ways that you can be helpful to people who need your help?"

It's great that you're thinking of this, but please don't use "weak" in relation to people with disabilities and don't imply that people without visible disabilities are "strong." I would much rather take an "everyone is different" approach, without introducing terms of value and judgment.

I think that your point about weak is valid. But you are missing the point. The point is not that people with disabilities are weak and people without are strong. The point is to say that this kindergartner has a strong body. That kid. And to empower her to care for others and watch over them, not be mean. Also, I find the "everyone is different" approach to be confusing and demeaning to young children. They know that people with disabilities are not just "different" like blue eyed and brown eyed people. It's silly to pretend.

Okay. I'd just like to let you know that I have been a professional in this area for many years, including as a professor and a board member for disability rights organizations, and what you've written here is a good example of the kind of ignorance prejudice that the disability rights community finds troubling.

Thank you for this comment. I am floored by The discrimination and stigma that seems to underpin this advice.

It's very easy to come on this board and call out the well-meaning moms of special needs kids who populate it, and crush their spirits. Perhaps you could have also made a constructive suggestion, given advice, given two or three phrases that you recommend instead. Wow. I'm the poster who posted what you are "floored" by and I have a daughter who is nonmobile and nonverbal due to a childhood genetic disorder. I would be beyond thrilled if you could educate the posters on this board to the point that other children could be even somewhat empowered to be nice to her rather than screaming "What's wrong with her?" across a parking lot. Maybe you could realize that we are all families of the disabled here, not discriminators, before posting again. You really suck.