Cannot stand my SIL- what to do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had to spend the entire weekend with her

This is the most important sentence in your post.
Why - -what do you mean you "had" to spend the entire weekend with her?
Don't have her as an overnight guest in your house. When you visit family, stay in a hotel.
You decide how much time to spend with her. Your husband can spend more -
it's his sister - if he wants.

You are in control of your own exposure to people you don't like.

I get what PP is trying to say but the world doesn't always work out so cleanly and those who insist on doing things only 'their' way can often them come off as cuckoo as the SIL here. Sometimes you have to go places you don't 100% want to go because you care about someone else's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

a family get together

You don't have to be noticeably absent. It's not all or nothing. If it's a sit down dinner, don't sit next to her. If it's a visit where you can mingle, excuse yourself and find other company. You and your husband may want to take separate cars so you have some control about when you leave.

I have relatives like this. For one thing I never go on a sailboat with them - there is no escape. Always have an escape.

Trust me, if she's in the room, it's about her. I sat at the opposite end from her at a sit down dinner this weekend. No one else could get a word in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her roll her eyes and stomp away. Let her sit alone in an empty room stewing.

If you haven't done anything to instigate a response like that - her problem, don't indulge her. If you have been needling her in some way (and I suspect that you have)...just stop it.

Yes, according to DH I have needled her. I have needled her and she resents 'what I represent' because I finished school, have a career, and am married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly truly cannot stand being around her, but I don't want to come off as rude when I have to be around her. I find myself having to affix a permanent smile on my face just so I don't roll my eyes at everything she says. Maybe I should feel sorry for her because she's probably very insecure. I just really need to rant. Some recent examples:

-Told her and a group of friends about the recent international trip that DH and I took. Her response: "I haven't been able to leave the country in 10 years, so I can't relate to this conversation. Next topic."
-Listening to a mutual friend talk about the new relationship she is in. Her response: "If you are talking about a new boyfriend, I don't want to hear it." And then she actually walked away from us.
-Her younger sister recently met a guy and it's serious. Her response: "It's unfair. We were supposed to be single together."
-She often refers to herself by talking in third person. "Mary is tired. Mary is sleepy."
-At a sports bar this weekend, I watched her go into the middle of the room and do cheerleading moves....like clapping her hands and leg kicks.
-I was talking to a professional colleague with whom she has no personal or professional relationship. She happened to be at the same venue. She walked over mid conversation and said, "Hey! I'd like to join the ladies who lunch group!" It was embarrassing.
-Every time we are in a car together, she points out apartments of guys with whom she has hooked up. Driving down H St..."Hey that's Mike's Apt." Driving down M St..."That's where Harry lives."
-She talks about people having marriage problems and her opinions on whether they will make it. She is not married.
-She talks about people's readiness for children. Heard her the other day speculate on whether her friend can handle a second child. She is childless.

I'm sorry if this all sounds petty, but I had to spend the entire weekend with her and I just really needed to rant.
-

So because she is single, she's not allowed to express an opinion about other people? You don't have to be married to recognize a couple that likely isn't going to work out. And you certainly don't have to have children to recognize that other people are either (a) unready or (b) having kids for the wrong reasons.

A lot of the other comments you mention could just be her sense of humor. I know someone who says things like that, but she is always joking. She has a dry way of delivery, so sometimes it's hard to tell she's joking.

But if you don't like her or like being around her, then limit the time you spend with her. Nothing you mention sounds particularly egregious. It's not like she's undermining you in some way. It's not like she's trying to come between you and your husband. It's not like she's doing anything to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her roll her eyes and stomp away. Let her sit alone in an empty room stewing.

If you haven't done anything to instigate a response like that - her problem, don't indulge her. If you have been needling her in some way (and I suspect that you have)...just stop it.

I wonder this, too. OP sounds very judgmental about her SIL being single and not having children. I wouldn't be shocked if OP's SIL has a long list of condescending things OP has said about her being single and childless.

[Anonymous]

OP, she sounds like a pain in the ass. Fake being interested or just keep your distance. Ranting can be healthy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her roll her eyes and stomp away. Let her sit alone in an empty room stewing.

If you haven't done anything to instigate a response like that - her problem, don't indulge her. If you have been needling her in some way (and I suspect that you have)...just stop it.

I wonder this, too. OP sounds very judgmental about her SIL being single and not having children. I wouldn't be shocked if OP's SIL has a long list of condescending things OP has said about her being single and childless.

I am the OP- I really am not judgmental about anything in her life. I am childless also. I mentioned all the things she said because I'm trying to illustrate that she is the type of person that, when she is single, she is miserable and mean to anyone who is currently happy. When she is dating someone, she turns into a totally different person. She has been single for awhile now and I've noticed in the last few months that she is downright rude to people, not just myself. Like I said before, I found it really rude that she couldn't be bothered to sit and listen to our mutual friend talk about the great guy she is now seeing.

[Anonymous]

eh, you both sound like drama queens. I feel for your dh.

[Anonymous]

the sil is obviously insecure and disappointed (probably a little jealous) that she doesn't have similar life accomplishments that others around her are having. i have relatives like this. all you can do is ignore her, and hope she finds inner happiness first, because only then will she find the other types of happiness she is looking for. good luck, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly truly cannot stand being around her, but I don't want to come off as rude when I have to be around her. I find myself having to affix a permanent smile on my face just so I don't roll my eyes at everything she says. Maybe I should feel sorry for her because she's probably very insecure. I just really need to rant. Some recent examples:

-Told her and a group of friends about the recent international trip that DH and I took. Her response: "I haven't been able to leave the country in 10 years, so I can't relate to this conversation. Next topic."
-Listening to a mutual friend talk about the new relationship she is in. Her response: "If you are talking about a new boyfriend, I don't want to hear it." And then she actually walked away from us.
-Her younger sister recently met a guy and it's serious. Her response: "It's unfair. We were supposed to be single together."
-She often refers to herself by talking in third person. "Mary is tired. Mary is sleepy."
-At a sports bar this weekend, I watched her go into the middle of the room and do cheerleading moves....like clapping her hands and leg kicks.
-I was talking to a professional colleague with whom she has no personal or professional relationship. She happened to be at the same venue. She walked over mid conversation and said, "Hey! I'd like to join the ladies who lunch group!" It was embarrassing.
-Every time we are in a car together, she points out apartments of guys with whom she has hooked up. Driving down H St..."Hey that's Mike's Apt." Driving down M St..."That's where Harry lives."
-She talks about people having marriage problems and her opinions on whether they will make it. She is not married.
-She talks about people's readiness for children. Heard her the other day speculate on whether her friend can handle a second child. She is childless.

I'm sorry if this all sounds petty, but I had to spend the entire weekend with her and I just really needed to rant.
-

This is plain rude and odd. Sounds like she has some type of social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you don't want to be rude, but it sounds like SIL has no problem being rude, and she doesn't care.

You need to talk to DH first before you say anything to SIL. Tell him only the most egregious happenings and why they were so bad. Ask him if he's ever had a problem with her. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

OP are you sure you aren't talking about my sister in law? She is so desperate to be relevant it's sad. The only thing you can do is ignore her. Trust me!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I had to spend the entire weekend with her

This is the most important sentence in your post.
Why - -what do you mean you "had" to spend the entire weekend with her?
Don't have her as an overnight guest in your house. When you visit family, stay in a hotel.
You decide how much time to spend with her. Your husband can spend more -
it's his sister - if he wants.

You are in control of your own exposure to people you don't like.

Increasingly, I will opt out of about half of the times DH spends with her. But marriage involves compromise. For one, she is local. And when there is a family get together, I believe it can cause more harm to be noticeably absent.

Also, I'm pretty sure I couldn't tell my husband that she's not welcome to stay overnight in our home.

If she's local, why does she ever need to spend the night at your house?

That seems avoidable.

[Anonymous]

If you simply walking into a room is enough to send her off in a hissy. Let her go. If she is simply seeing red because of her jealousy over your accomplishments - that isn't nice of HER. If you are in some way being dismissive of her accomplishments or are treating her as somehow "less" than you, rubbing her face in how fab you - that isn't nice of YOU.

Maybe it's a little of both? All you can do is work on your side of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you sure you aren't talking about my sister in law? She is so desperate to be relevant it's sad. The only thing you can do is ignore her. Trust me!!

Wow. Who doesn't want to be relevant? You sound mean .