Any parents on here raise a teen mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On a non-school night, if you are willing to babysit, I would say 1-2 hours of socializing with adult supervision would be ok, as long as you know the adults supervising. I would make it contingent on the baby being beyond the bedtime routine. For a 15 year old, curfew at 11 or earlier if that is inconvenient to you. I assume she's getting up at night with the baby.

A school dance is the best option I can imagine. If it keeps her thinking she's still part of the school culture, that's a good thing.

I am willing to babysit. My concern is that while she is 15 most of her friends are much older (18-25) and they hang out in parking lots, sidewalks, public spaces. There is virtually none of the "I'm going to jane's house for pizza and a movie". Her previous activities were almost 100% unsupervised loitering which is what her friends still do.

[Anonymous]

Another issue is that the baby is only a month old, correct? The baby's immune system is still developing, so the mom should be careful about exposing the baby to so many germs. Going to a dance at the school and bringing home a lot of germs is a bad idea. She needs to focus on the baby's needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

Also very helpful! What is reasonable curfew for a 15 yo teen mom on a non school night?

Ny limitation on what the activity should be?

You need to separate these. She's a teenager AND a mother, not JUST a "teen mom." You shouldn't have been allowed to take in a teenager if you don't know how to parent one. FWIW, I was a teen mom and have teenagers now. My teens don't have some random curfew. Each time they want to go somewhere we discuss the details, and based on those, we come to an agreement on when the activity ends. I don't just send her out into the world saying "Do whatever you want and as long as you're home by 11 it's all good." Hell no. If you're 15 and going to an 8pm movie that's 90 minutes and then want to go to the diner a block away, THEN yes I'll pick you up at the diner at 11.

Are you letting her have friends over? For most teens, their friends are more important than their family, and considering you're not even her family her friends are probably even more important to her than the average teen not in foster care. Is the baby's father spending time with her or the baby? FWIW, I'd wait for her to be cleared by her doctor to dance, and if she's allowed to attend the dance per the school, then give her three hours. And I'd definitely let her do activities that are legit and/or with decent friends 2-3 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

Also very helpful! What is reasonable curfew for a 15 yo teen mom on a non school night?

Ny limitation on what the activity should be?

You need to separate these. She's a teenager AND a mother, not JUST a "teen mom." You shouldn't have been allowed to take in a teenager if you don't know how to parent one. FWIW, I was a teen mom and have teenagers now. My teens don't have some random curfew. Each time they want to go somewhere we discuss the details, and based on those, we come to an agreement on when the activity ends. I don't just send her out into the world saying "Do whatever you want and as long as you're home by 11 it's all good." Hell no. If you're 15 and going to an 8pm movie that's 90 minutes and then want to go to the diner a block away, THEN yes I'll pick you up at the diner at 11.

Are you letting her have friends over? For most teens, their friends are more important than their family, and considering you're not even her family her friends are probably even more important to her than the average teen not in foster care. Is the baby's father spending time with her or the baby? FWIW, I'd wait for her to be cleared by her doctor to dance, and if she's allowed to attend the dance per the school, then give her three hours. And I'd definitely let her do activities that are legit and/or with decent friends 2-3 times a week.

Well her social life up until now I explained in a previous post. It doesn't fit a lot of people's definition of acceptable. So I struggle with how to encourage her social life in appropriate ways when there aren't many preexisting avenues. It's possible that this dance may be one of the few "acceptable" ones and is therefore a reason it should be permitted even though leaving a 2 week old baby to go to a dance feels inappropriate on other levels.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a counselor who can help you negotiate rules together? To me, this situation screams for a trusted, thoughtful third party mediator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine that there are social workers and other professionals involved in the foster care system that can help you navigate. On one hand, I would say to be supportive and help her through on the other hand, I would say to lay down the law and make her take responsibility.

But who knows? Please check in with a professional.

Also, amazing of you to take on/take in such a complicated situation. The universe definitely owes you some major good karma.

PLUS !!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a counselor who can help you negotiate rules together? To me, this situation screams for a trusted, thoughtful third party mediator.

I agree with this. Perhaps her social worker. I am also curious. Does the mother have custody of the child or are you the foster parent to both the mother and newborn (so really they are placed in foster care together)?

I have worked with many young mothers in group home settings (18+, so not quite as young as your foster placement). With the 18+ crowd it is emphasized that work, school, and kids are the most important. Since this 15 year old is in foster care it is likely she has never experienced a childhood in the DCUM sense. Your normal, is not her normal. I would develop goals for both the 15 year old and the baby in conjunction with the social worker. Foremost is consistency of care and bonding for the infant (from both you and the mom). 2nd is getting the mom to graduate from highschool/GED and preparing her for life after foster care (this may be moving into a group home or living situation for single mothers once she turns 18). Since she doesn't seem to have family support, the likelihood of her retaining custody is pretty low. Keeping both the mother and baby in a consistent living and education situation for as long as possible is key. I would encourage the 15 year old to get a job. Between work, school, and the baby, hopefully she will not have tons of time for old friends. I would also ask the social worker if there is a parenting class she can take specifically for mothers under 18, so she can make friends with others who are dealing with the same things she is.

This sounds very bleak and jaded, but it is possible that you can do very little for the 15 year old. You are not going to transform her into a "normal" teen. Focus on building a bond with the baby and setting an example for the 15 year old so she can learning parenting skills and hopefully stay in a safe, consistent environment for as long as possible.

I think the advice about mediating house rules with a third party (social worker might work if the 15 year old trusts them) is very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

Also very helpful! What is reasonable curfew for a 15 yo teen mom on a non school night?

Ny limitation on what the activity should be?

You need to separate these. She's a teenager AND a mother, not JUST a "teen mom." You shouldn't have been allowed to take in a teenager if you don't know how to parent one. FWIW, I was a teen mom and have teenagers now. My teens don't have some random curfew. Each time they want to go somewhere we discuss the details, and based on those, we come to an agreement on when the activity ends. I don't just send her out into the world saying "Do whatever you want and as long as you're home by 11 it's all good." Hell no. If you're 15 and going to an 8pm movie that's 90 minutes and then want to go to the diner a block away, THEN yes I'll pick you up at the diner at 11.

Are you letting her have friends over? For most teens, their friends are more important than their family, and considering you're not even her family her friends are probably even more important to her than the average teen not in foster care. Is the baby's father spending time with her or the baby? FWIW, I'd wait for her to be cleared by her doctor to dance, and if she's allowed to attend the dance per the school, then give her three hours. And I'd definitely let her do activities that are legit and/or with decent friends 2-3 times a week.

Well her social life up until now I explained in a previous post. It doesn't fit a lot of people's definition of acceptable. So I struggle with how to encourage her social life in appropriate ways when there aren't many preexisting avenues. It's possible that this dance may be one of the few "acceptable" ones and is therefore a reason it should be permitted even though leaving a 2 week old baby to go to a dance feels inappropriate on other levels.

I would permit the dance while encouraging her to start taking responsibility for finding childcare as PPs suggested -- i.e. she needs to ask you instead of just assuming and pay you back by doing chores. And I would work with the social worker to get her back in school and working a part-time job as soon as possible, even if it means putting the baby in day care at 4 weeks and stopping breastfeeding early.

[Anonymous]

I'm the single Mom PP from earlier and I disagree with her needing a social life to hang out in parking lots.

She needs to realize there is a before and after in this situation. Her new home means she now focuses her attention on studying. She can socialize through study groups that come to the house or volunteer activities that hopefully get her into community college, or work. Idle time when you are a parent with no support, does not happen except on a very special basis.

Sit her down and set up expectations as such:

--For this semester she focuses on caring for her newborn and homework. Friends can visit and she can see them during the day, but there are no night time activities at all.
--Next semester she can pick up one activity (volunteer, sport, study group) or get a part time job for the weekends
--If she passes all classes (or Bs and better depending on her previous performance) then she earns the right to go to a school social function
--There is no curfew and no going out, she has a baby to care for. She can have one or two friends over on non-school nights until 11pm and may pay for a babysitter for special events. She must return immediately following the event.

[Anonymous]

I'm just curious about how all these people suggesting the teen mom PAY for a baby sitter think she's going to get the money? She's 15, she is 4 weeks postpartum, and with all the priorities and rules everyone is suggesting, there is no room for a job. At least I don't see how this young woman can or should have a job right now.

Demanding she come up with cash seems like a ticket to hostility and illicit activities to raise said cash. Makes me think PP's don't really have a concept of what this teen's life was/is probably like.

[Anonymous]

Op here, just want to say that I am reading and appreciating all of your opinions. I personally lean towards the stricter side of things, but having never raised a teenager - I don't know if I'm being fair.

She has no money or way to really make money (she's under 16 and I think most places of employment prohibit hiring under 16?) also I do think that she should focus on her child and school (when she goes back).

The idea of making her do chores around my house as payment is reasonable on one level, but on the other level the idea of my foster kid sweeping the floor (for whatever the reason) just rubs me the wrong way. I feel that I work against a lot of stereotypes of foster homes. That said, she should eventually have responsibility but I think they should be related specifically to her room and bathroom etc and done regularly not just as an exchange for me babysitting.

Her child is in my custody as well, so legally speaking she is not obligated to provide anything. However, I haven't really spelled that out because I want to empower her to be a parent rather than my babysitter. But final say/responsibility of the baby is legally speaking with me.

I've reached out to two social workers this morning in hopes of getting more guidance. The issue is that they are (not surprisingly) overworked and so sometimes their ability to help/mediate/council is limited to a quick phone call here or there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just curious about how all these people suggesting the teen mom PAY for a baby sitter think she's going to get the money? She's 15, she is 4 weeks postpartum, and with all the priorities and rules everyone is suggesting, there is no room for a job. At least I don't see how this young woman can or should have a job right now.

Demanding she come up with cash seems like a ticket to hostility and illicit activities to raise said cash. Makes me think PP's don't really have a concept of what this teen's life was/is probably like.

I am not sure anyone really expects her to pay. Just that she shouldn't take for granted the OP does all the heavy lifting with the baby so the girl can go party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just curious about how all these people suggesting the teen mom PAY for a baby sitter think she's going to get the money? She's 15, she is 4 weeks postpartum, and with all the priorities and rules everyone is suggesting, there is no room for a job. At least I don't see how this young woman can or should have a job right now.

Demanding she come up with cash seems like a ticket to hostility and illicit activities to raise said cash. Makes me think PP's don't really have a concept of what this teen's life was/is probably like.

I am not sure anyone really expects her to pay. Just that she shouldn't take for granted the OP does all the heavy lifting with the baby so the girl can go party.

I also read most of the posts to mean that she needs to pay "in-kind" by taking on some responsibility or doing something around the house that will 'pay off' the time, not actually exchange money but still reinforce the concept that when parents want to go out they have an added cost of finding a babysitter. Which is reality for most parents and even those with family who will watch the baby occasionally generally have planned for this in some way by moving/ staying closer to family or making arrangements in advance about expectations (talking about regular adults here) so no matter what there is an element of planning and not just expectation for ALL parents and MOST also pay.

[Anonymous]

OP, separate to this issue-- is there a teen mom's group she can join where she might meet peers in the same situation? She might find more support from them, and perhaps they would be an improvement over her current batch of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Her child is in my custody as well,.

are you sure about this? Obviously you are in a much better position to know this than some random person on the internet but quite frankly that really surprises me and runs counter to my experience as a foster parent. generally the teen is in foster care, the baby is the care of the teen since the baby has not been abused or neglected.
If the teen mom has abused or neglected the baby the baby is generally placed elsewhere.

I hear you about the chores- which is why I think it is important to establish whether the baby is your responsibility or hers. If the baby is hers, you are not asking her to sweep your floors, you are bartering for babysitting services. You could even let her propose something-- ie I can keep the baby for you for 2 hours so you can ago to the dance, but that takes 2 hours of my time that I would otherwise be making diner/ cleaning, what have you- so what would you oike to do to make up that time?