Any parents on here raise a teen mom?

[Anonymous]

I need help.

I have a teen mom and her baby in my custody as a result of social services.

She wants to go to a dance this Friday when baby won't even be a month old. I'm saying no, but I need help structuring my social expectations for her in general.

How often is socializing reasonable for a teen mom with an infant? Does this change as the baby ages?

Ie no friends for the first month, 4 hours a week for the second month or whatever. She clearly needs boundaries but I don't even know how to begin to create appropriate ones.

[Anonymous]

she needs to take responsibility. I wouldn't necessarily think of it in terms of no socializing, but rather asking her what is her plan for the baby while she goes to the dance.
It can't be that you will take care of it. Or it can be if that is okay with you, but she needs to ask you, and think about how she is going to pay you to do so (not necessarily pay you in money- get creative, she could make dinner for the whole family for a few nights, etc.)
The awkward thing about having teen mom's is that you are responsible for the teen, she is responsible for the baby.

FWIW- your statements about socialization seem incredibly low to me-- just like any new mom she does need some socialization.
Is this your first foster placement?

[Anonymous]

Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

[Anonymous]

She shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere. She should be hidden away and shamed for her sin.

[Anonymous]

Just like any parent that wants to go out, she needs to make child care arrangements.

[Anonymous]

So I became a single Mom in grad school, definitely not the same as high school, BUT my social life was virtually non-existant.

As a custodian, I would be concerned that social activities could take away from school work as well as land the teen Mom with another baby. If she has "free" time it should be for things like sports, academic clubs, volunteering, college prep and very little "social" activities. At one month post partum, that is an absolute no. Also if she wants someone (you?) to "babysit" she needs to pay money. She must learn that a baby isn't a dog. Once she leaves your custody she would not have that help. If anything she should use the "babysitting" time to study and NOT party. If you want to reward her, she gets good grades and then she earns something like babysitting for homecoming. Until then set up very strict boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

The socialization time suggestions I threw out were not thought out, just random numbers. Looking to dcum for legit reasonable suggestions.

Currently on leave from school so not sure she is even eligible to attend-figuring that out tmrw. This dance may be moot, but would still like to set boundaries. All suggestions for appropriate boundaries are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, you shouldn't seek to put any actual boundaries on socialization itself, just on your responsibilities with regard to the baby. Set up very clear guidelines for what you are willing to do and how much notice you need. Something like "I am willing to watch the baby once a month for up to 3 hours, and I need at least a week's notice to make sure I have time in my schedule." Decide this limit for yourself so that its an amount you feel comfortable with and won't feel taken advantage of.

If the teen can find other suitable childcare for social events, then that is her choice and I don't think you should judge her for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP, you shouldn't seek to put any actual boundaries on socialization itself, just on your responsibilities with regard to the baby. Set up very clear guidelines for what you are willing to do and how much notice you need. Something like "I am willing to watch the baby once a month for up to 3 hours, and I need at least a week's notice to make sure I have time in my schedule." Decide this limit for yourself so that its an amount you feel comfortable with and won't feel taken advantage of.

If the teen can find other suitable childcare for social events, then that is her choice and I don't think you should judge her for it.

So because of the custody issues, all babysitters have to background checked by dfcs, so it's really me or nothing right now. Also worried that she would just take the baby with her to do her old activities which are not appropriate.

So ideally I'd like to give her some guidelines to help her structure her social interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I became a single Mom in grad school, definitely not the same as high school, BUT my social life was virtually non-existant.

As a custodian, I would be concerned that social activities could take away from school work as well as land the teen Mom with another baby. If she has "free" time it should be for things like sports, academic clubs, volunteering, college prep and very little "social" activities. At one month post partum, that is an absolute no. Also if she wants someone (you?) to "babysit" she needs to pay money. She must learn that a baby isn't a dog. Once she leaves your custody she would not have that help. If anything she should use the "babysitting" time to study and NOT party. If you want to reward her, she gets good grades and then she earns something like babysitting for homecoming. Until then set up very strict boundaries.

Thank you this is helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

Also very helpful! What is reasonable curfew for a 15 yo teen mom on a non school night?

Ny limitation on what the activity should be?

[Anonymous]

In your shoes I would:

1) if you are babysitting, gear her curfew to how long you feel you can watch the baby. Do you feel you could watch the baby til midnight? 2am? All nighter.

2) also with respect to curfew, sometimes it might be disruptive to you or your household (any kids?) for someone to be coming home late. Household needs for routine/sleep/etc. matter.

3) I wouldn't allow any sleepovers, friends or otherwise.

4) As far as activity outside the home? Nothing illegal and nothing that may harm her, you, baby, etc.

[Anonymous]

I imagine that there are social workers and other professionals involved in the foster care system that can help you navigate. On one hand, I would say to be supportive and help her through on the other hand, I would say to lay down the law and make her take responsibility.

But who knows? Please check in with a professional.

Also, amazing of you to take on/take in such a complicated situation. The universe definitely owes you some major good karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the mother of a teen Mom (thank goodness), but I had my first child at 15.

How responsible is she in general? If she is a good mother, I would allow the dance. Being a mother does not have to equal social isolation. I would allow maybe one outing a week, with reasonable expectations on when to come home. No school night outings (is she in school?), unless it is school related (football game, homecoming, etc).

Is she still involved with the child's father?

Also very helpful! What is reasonable curfew for a 15 yo teen mom on a non school night?

Ny limitation on what the activity should be?

Not sure if I missed it, but how old is she? Her age will determine her curfew. If she's over 17, on a non-school night, midnight is late enough. Anything happening after that time is generally not a good thing.

Also, is she on birth control? Unfortunately, many teens think that you can't get pregnant right after having a baby (especially if you haven't gotten your regular period), so it's important that she knows that this is not true.

I would limit the activity if it were anything risky. I would treat the outings as I would with a typical teen who was not a Mom.

[Anonymous]

On a non-school night, if you are willing to babysit, I would say 1-2 hours of socializing with adult supervision would be ok, as long as you know the adults supervising. I would make it contingent on the baby being beyond the bedtime routine. For a 15 year old, curfew at 11 or earlier if that is inconvenient to you. I assume she's getting up at night with the baby.

A school dance is the best option I can imagine. If it keeps her thinking she's still part of the school culture, that's a good thing.