Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they don't call or prearrange at time to come over for a visit, don't answer your door and disable your doorbell. My MIL used to walk into my house without knocking or ringing the bell. Just walked in like she owned the place. I stopped that by locking the front door and making sure the garage doors were down.

"We came over to see you and you weren't there!" "Huh. Next time call us to schedule a time to come over."

They have announced they are coming over for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas? Make use of this information.

"You are coming over for Christmas? Awesome. Bring breakfast with you and come over about 10am. Nap time is 1pm so plan on heading home then." And then at 1pm take baby upstairs and disappear for the afternoon leaving your husband to deal with his parents.

"Thanksgiving sounds great. It will be an early meal since we are pooped from dealing with the new baby. Plan on coming over around 11am. Meal will be around 4pm and baby will be napping from 1pm to 3pm as will I so the two of you can help husband's name get the meal on the table. Going to order from Wegmans since I won't be cooking this year."

"Halloween might be a waste of time. Baby goes to bed before dark and is too young for trick or treating. But if you two want to come over and hang out with husband's name and hand out candy that would be great. I will put baby to bed at 7pm and go to bed early."

The more you stick your husband with his parents, the more he will be motivated to plan and stick to a schedule. Once I figured out that my husband would never plan to see his mother who lives 45 minutes away if I stopped planning events for her to attend, I went from seeing her once a month to 3 times per year. Every now and then he says, "We need to spend more time with my mom!" And every time I give him a big smile and say, "You are so right! We do!" And then I do nothing. Works like a charm.

I love this!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will try these approaches with DH. I too believe it is a matter between him and his parents.
They are making my life miserable and I have already criticized them to DH, and cried over it, and the whole mess. I am tired, I am just trying to enjoy my new family, I just wanted them to be like my parents, come when invited, ask when is a good time and come then.
I feel they do what they do in part to piss me off and unfortunately I am allowing them to get under my skin. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby and those feelings of wanting to be a better person are just being spoiled by the constant annoyance of my IL suffocating me. I feel like I need space to heal from the this broken relationship - still can not forget (or forgive) the way FIL disrespected me, my culture, my family, my language...
We have already established that we will spend Thanksgiving with them, it'll be hard for me to put my feelings aside and be in their house, but I'll do it for my husband. We told them that Christmas will be with my family, but they already told us that they will then be here the week prior in that case...
I feel they will never give up, but you are right, I can not let this break my marriage!

p.s.: The other GK,who is a teenager now, was in part taken care by them, since the parents split up when baby was very young. They feel very connected to the GK (and that's partially why they've ignored us for so long, they are the favorite GP, and I feel that they think they need to be the caregivers to our baby too...

OP, I do not agree with other posters that this is something between your DH and his parents (normally it would be, but the situation you describe goes well beyond normal, polite grandparents who are excited because of new baby and made a faux pas). the behavior you describe is egregious, and is affecting YOU and YOUR family in a very unhealthy way. This is between YOUR family (you and your DH) and your in-laws. my impression is that these people are controlling emotional bullies and that your DH has been their victim since he was young. I saw similar situations in the past and it is very difficult even for an adult to confront and draw boundaries with emotionally abusive parents of this type. your husband has been trained since childhood to bend and do what they want to avoid their wrath. you say they took care of other GK because their parents divorced when the kids were young. I wonder if your in-laws behavior had nothing to do with the divorce (how long are you gong to resist if this situation does not change).

I think you discuss the situation with your DH and make a plan of action (he needs to agree that his parents' visit must be limited and so on), and then you should take the lead and if he cannot do it. don't bother about being nice, these people will drive you crazy and cannot care less about ruining your life, so set the being nice aside. tell them expressly, firmly and with a smile that you and your DH need time to bond with the baby and to adjust to your new life as parents, and that you are happy to see them once a week, every Saturday morning or whenever you want. then let them scream and yell as much as they want but be firm. do not open the door if they come, do not answer the phone. they will turn to your husband and try to force him to cave, so it is very important that he agrees with you and that he is on your side, but also that you support him and help him because it will be very difficult for him to face his parents. for holidays, tell them you are happy to see them on Thanksgiving, the other holidays you have other plans and they cannot come (do not discuss the plans, do not leave room for any discussion with them, simply your family will do Christmas with others). it is going to be a war, they will say that you are a monster, but you and your DH may win, just know in advance that it is going to be ugly, so get ready. just don't waste your time thinking that you need to be nice and that you need to keep a good relationship with your ILs, that's what they count on to abuse your family. and do not leave your husband alone against his abusers. I would be extremely weary to ask these people for help. once you open them the door asking for help, it will be impossible to kick them out. be strong. once your family put down solid boundaries, the relationship with the ILs may even improve. good luck

[Anonymous]

Do you have an alarm? Could be fun for them to set it off when they are using your keys.
Ask them not to use your keys unless it's an emergency. They should knock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have an alarm? Could be fun for them to set it off when they are using your keys.
Ask them not to use your keys unless it's an emergency. They should knock.

OP should just change the lock and make sure they never get the new keys again.

[Anonymous]

This is 15:42 again. They have your keys? Big mistake. Live and learn though. Have your locks rekeyed immediately. Never give them the key again. My parents have a key, but they don't walk in like they own the place.

[Anonymous]

OP here! Thank you! 15:42 I love your sense of humor! May I have you on speed dial?! 15:59 great advice, thank you! 16:00 that would be so funny!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

coming to our house everyday for visits

You don't answer the door. You have caller ID, and don't answer the phone.
You extend an invitation for 1 or 2 specific times during the week - or whatever amount of time works for you.
You put-up with paretents being mad as they get use to the new routine.

You grow up and stop being afraid of parents.

+1

Highly recommend. MIL has a problem with this, but its her problem, not mine. She is not the nicest lady, and well, that is what happens when you are not nice to a perfectly reasonable DIL. MILs can flame away all they want.

Boundaries OP, boundaries. What language do you speak?

[Anonymous]

I put a sign on the door that said "Shh!! Mommy and baby are resting, please call later to set up a good time to visit"

[Anonymous]

15:59 again, OP, do not let your IL's bully you into not speaking to your child in your language. I am a foreigner too, and with my DH we decided that I would speak in my language to our kids. I need to speak to them in my language even when other family members (ILs included) are here because otherwise I would almost always speak English and they would not learn. It was awkward sometimes to speak to kid in my language when MIL was around and she could not understand. but my ILs were very supportive (MIL even took classes in my language to learn the basics) and understood my reasons. now my kids are in elementary school, are not totally bilingual but understand perfectly my language and speak decently, so I could relent a little, and when my ILs are around I speak in English to them or in my language and then repeat in English.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't have opened this thread. I'm having horrible flashbacks.

Agree with the PPs especially that you need to re-key the doors immediately and if they're coming for the holidays, you tell them what time they can come, tell them what to bring and that you are NOT cooking (I can recommend T-day/Christmas dinner from Cracker Barrel. Good value.) . If they don't call to find out when it's convenient to come over, don't answer the door or phone. Seriously, with a newborn, who do you REALLY need to speak with? I'm assuming your DH would be identified on caller ID. Even then, when you're napping you should be turning off the phone and disabling the doorbell.

Disengage emotionally from your ILs. I know you're all well intentioned but you're in survival mode now. Having a newborn is a game changer and you need to focus on yourself. What's good for you is good for the baby. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thank you! 15:42 I love your sense of humor! May I have you on speed dial?! 15:59 great advice, thank you! 16:00 that would be so funny!!!

16:00 here...and when the alarm company calls you to say you have an intruder in the house you can say that you haven't authorized anyone to be in the house and to send the police!

[Anonymous]

Next time you hear them coming, whip off your shirt and be nursing topless on the couch when they walk in. That oughtta do it!

Or put a chain on the inside of the door. When they push it open and start calling in, run and start the shower. After several minutes you can wander down and, if they're still there, comment that you needed privacy to shower.

And just keep going out, having friends over, etc. Let them see that barging in is awkward.

[Anonymous]

This is 15:42 posting again. My initial response to your ILs condemnation of you speaking your native language to your child and your parents in your own home was anger. Hours later I am still pissed for you. I speak only English, but were my spouse a native speaker of another language, you bet your bippy that he would speak that language to our children. If my mother or father had anything to say about it, I would tell them to STFU. Being a native speaker of two languages is *such* a gift and a tremendous advantage that I know I would be really territorial over it.

I know that it can be perceived as rude for people to speak in another language in front of others who don't speak the same language. However, I would think that your FIL would be aware that your mom doesn't speak English so you must speak with her in your language and that it may be easier for your dad to converse with you in your native language. That issue really won't come up unless they are all together with you for some reason and frankly it is all the more reason to keep them separate. Your ILs are local now so when your parents travel to visit you, focus on your parents. "Thanks for the offer, Martin, but my parents will be in town for two weeks so we won't be able to come to the BBQ. My parents will be uncomfortable around you since you object to us speaking in our native language when they are here and they don't speak any other language. We will make plans for an afternoon after they leave."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they don't call or prearrange at time to come over for a visit, don't answer your door and disable your doorbell. My MIL used to walk into my house without knocking or ringing the bell. Just walked in like she owned the place. I stopped that by locking the front door and making sure the garage doors were down.

"We came over to see you and you weren't there!" "Huh. Next time call us to schedule a time to come over."

They have announced they are coming over for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas? Make use of this information.

"You are coming over for Christmas? Awesome. Bring breakfast with you and come over about 10am. Nap time is 1pm so plan on heading home then." And then at 1pm take baby upstairs and disappear for the afternoon leaving your husband to deal with his parents.

"Thanksgiving sounds great. It will be an early meal since we are pooped from dealing with the new baby. Plan on coming over around 11am. Meal will be around 4pm and baby will be napping from 1pm to 3pm as will I so the two of you can help husband's name get the meal on the table. Going to order from Wegmans since I won't be cooking this year."

"Halloween might be a waste of time. Baby goes to bed before dark and is too young for trick or treating. But if you two want to come over and hang out with husband's name and hand out candy that would be great. I will put baby to bed at 7pm and go to bed early."

The more you stick your husband with his parents, the more he will be motivated to plan and stick to a schedule. Once I figured out that my husband would never plan to see his mother who lives 45 minutes away if I stopped planning events for her to attend, I went from seeing her once a month to 3 times per year. Every now and then he says, "We need to spend more time with my mom!" And every time I give him a big smile and say, "You are so right! We do!" And then I do nothing. Works like a charm.

OP, I like PP's ideas, but you should NOT be expected to host your ILs for any holiday! Unless you've already told them you're hosting Christmas and Thanksgiving, you should NOT make plans to do so. If they bring up the holidays again, just say you're looking forward to spending time with them at their new place over the holidays. The beauty of that is, you can leave when you want to, and you don't have to feel bad for kicking them out of your house.

However, the last piece of advice is golden. Let DH plan stuff with his parents. But that only works if the parents wait til they get invited to places.

The best thing I can tell you is to change the locks and tell your ILs exactly why: because it's your house, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

OP you should NOT be expected to host your ILs for any holiday! Unless you've already told them you're hosting Christmas and Thanksgiving, you should NOT make plans to do so. If they bring up the holidays again, just say you're looking forward to spending time with them at their new place over the holidays. The beauty of that is, you can leave when you want to, and you don't have to feel bad for kicking them out of your house.

However, the last piece of advice is golden. Let DH plan stuff with his parents. But that only works if the parents wait til they get invited to places.

The best thing I can tell you is to change the locks and tell your ILs exactly why: because it's your house, not theirs.