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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will try these approaches with DH. I too believe it is a matter between him and his parents.
They are making my life miserable and I have already criticized them to DH, and cried over it, and the whole mess. I am tired, I am just trying to enjoy my new family, I just wanted them to be like my parents, come when invited, ask when is a good time and come then. 
I feel they do what they do in part to piss me off and unfortunately I am allowing them to get under my skin. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby and those feelings of wanting to be a better person are just being spoiled by the constant annoyance of my IL suffocating me. I feel like I need space to heal from the this broken relationship - still can not forget (or forgive) the way FIL disrespected me, my culture, my family, my language...
We have already established that we will spend Thanksgiving with them, it'll be hard for me to put my feelings aside and be in their house, but I'll do it for my husband. We told them that Christmas will be with my family, but they already told us that they will then be here the week prior in that case... 
I feel they will never give up, but you are right, I can not let this break my marriage!

p.s.: The other GK,who is a teenager now, was in part taken care by them, since the parents split up when baby was very young. They feel very connected to the GK (and that's partially why they've ignored us for so long, they are the favorite GP, and I feel that they think they need to be the caregivers to our baby too... [/quote]

OP, I do not agree with other posters that this is something between your DH and his parents (normally it would be, but the situation you describe goes well beyond normal, polite grandparents who are excited because of new baby and made a faux pas).  the behavior you describe is egregious, and is affecting YOU and YOUR family in a very unhealthy way. This is between YOUR family (you and your DH) and your in-laws.   my impression is that these people are controlling emotional bullies and that your DH has been their victim since he was young. I saw similar situations in the past and it is very difficult even for an adult to confront and draw boundaries with emotionally abusive parents of this type. your husband has been trained since childhood to bend and do what they want to avoid their wrath.  you say they took care of other GK because their parents divorced when the kids were young. I wonder if your in-laws behavior had nothing to do with the divorce (how long are you gong to resist if this situation does not change).

I think you discuss the situation with your DH and make a plan of action (he needs to agree that his parents' visit must be limited and so on), and then you should take the lead and if he cannot do it. don't bother about being nice, these people will drive you crazy and cannot care less about ruining your life, so set the being nice aside. tell them expressly, firmly and with a smile that you and your DH need time to bond with the baby and to adjust to your new life as parents, and that you are happy to see them once a week, every Saturday morning or whenever you want. then let them scream and yell as much as they want but be firm.  do not open the door if they come, do not answer the phone. they will turn to your husband and try to force him to cave, so it is very important that he agrees with you and that he is on your side, but also that you support him and help him because it will be very difficult for him to face his parents. for holidays, tell them you are happy to see them on Thanksgiving, the other holidays you have other plans and they cannot come (do not discuss the plans, do not leave room for any discussion with them, simply your family will do Christmas with others).  it is going to be a war, they will say that you are a monster, but you and your DH may win, just know in advance that it is going to be ugly, so get ready. just don't waste your time thinking that you need to be nice and that you need to keep a good relationship with your ILs, that's what they count on to abuse your family.  and do not leave your husband alone against his abusers.  I would be extremely weary to ask these people for help. once you open them the door asking for help, it will be impossible to kick them out.  be strong.  once your family put down solid boundaries, the relationship with the ILs may even improve. good luck[/quote]

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