My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand if he moved further and is doing all the driving. Why don't you offer to meet him 1/2 way and encourage them to participate more? Sounds to me that they just picked up your vibe that you don't want them around.

You are such an ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him

[Anonymous]

Leave him be. Help your kids process their feelings. Going to court is a laughable "solution." He is more into his new life. Sad and painful but a reality based on facts. Try to help them develop some other close family ties. New chick not into playing mommy, could be worse, they could be trying to get custody, kwim? Some people suck and sometimes they are parents. Really painful but not anything you can change except by being a good mom and helping kids build connections with other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave him be. Help your kids process their feelings. Going to court is a laughable "solution." He is more into his new life. Sad and painful but a reality based on facts. Try to help them develop some other close family ties. New chick not into playing mommy, could be worse, they could be trying to get custody, kwim? Some people suck and sometimes they are parents. Really painful but not anything you can change except by being a good mom and helping kids build connections with other relatives.

Court is not laughable if they are staying with her more it cost more money. New chic can write a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand if he moved further and is doing all the driving. Why don't you offer to meet him 1/2 way and encourage them to participate more? Sounds to me that they just picked up your vibe that you don't want them around.

I doubt it.

He's letting his new life replace his old.

OP, agree with PP, tell him from the perspective of the kids. He needs to meet his obligations even if this means a slightly longer drive.

[Anonymous]

It happened to us on both sides. My ex-husband pretty much dropped out of the kids' lives when they were about 4 and 9. He would pop back in every once in a while, but was never regular with visitations. At one point he went almost three years without any contact. Now that they are adults (20 and 25), he wants a relationship with them. They are trying.

My DH's ex-wife checked out as a mom right after we got physical custody of the kids. They were 5 and 8 at the time. She saw them maybe twice a year - for a week during the summer and a day or two over Christmas. That's it. She rarely even acknowledged birthdays. They are 19 and 21 now and have almost no relationship at all with her. They aren't angry with her. They see her at Christmas and call her on her Birthday. But there is no real relationship there. I am "mom" as far as they are concerned.

It's very sad. But there really isn't much you can do to force visitation. My only advise would be (1) NEVER -no matter how hard it is- badmouth the other parent. And at the same time (2) Don't make excuses for the other parent. I told the kids over and over again that we love people for who they are, not for who we want them to be.

[Anonymous]

I think you owe it to your kids to try to 1) let XH know about the kids and how they are feeling and 2) to be sympathetic to his situation (his new life is exciting, pressing on him) by offering solutions that may work better for him: can he see kids for larger blocks of time so he gets more "bang" for his drive? can you drive kids to his house and have him drive kids back? can you suggest outings that are in between and drive kids to those destinations? can you meet him half way for transitions, or drive them to his work, so he drives them home from there?

Just thoughts. Sad situation for him and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happened to us on both sides. My ex-husband pretty much dropped out of the kids' lives when they were about 4 and 9. He would pop back in every once in a while, but was never regular with visitations. At one point he went almost three years without any contact. Now that they are adults (20 and 25), he wants a relationship with them. They are trying.

My DH's ex-wife checked out as a mom right after we got physical custody of the kids. They were 5 and 8 at the time. She saw them maybe twice a year - for a week during the summer and a day or two over Christmas. That's it. She rarely even acknowledged birthdays. They are 19 and 21 now and have almost no relationship at all with her. They aren't angry with her. They see her at Christmas and call her on her Birthday. But there is no real relationship there. I am "mom" as far as they are concerned.

It's very sad. But there really isn't much you can do to force visitation. My only advise would be (1) NEVER -no matter how hard it is- badmouth the other parent. And at the same time (2) Don't make excuses for the other parent. I told the kids over and over again that we love people for who they are, not for who we want them to be.

How'd you get custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it to your kids to try to 1) let XH know about the kids and how they are feeling and 2) to be sympathetic to his situation (his new life is exciting, pressing on him) by offering solutions that may work better for him: can he see kids for larger blocks of time so he gets more "bang" for his drive? can you drive kids to his house and have him drive kids back? can you suggest outings that are in between and drive kids to those destinations? can you meet him half way for transitions, or drive them to his work, so he drives them home from there?

Just thoughts. Sad situation for him and them.

NP. Honestly, I facilitated my children's relationship with their dad for years. The truth is that I contributed to the illusion of a relationship with him and that illusion is not all that real. I'm not sure in the end that it was a helpful, healthy thing to do for the kids. He has gotten a new, serious girlfriend and is slowly starting to miss his times with them in order to be with her. I have tried several times to explain that the kids notice and are unhappy. He perceives this as me pressuring him and wanting to undermine his relationship with his girlfriend. After much self-reflection, I have decided that his relationship with the kids has to stand on its own -- I can't be involved. If he wants to skip visitation, he will have to tell the kids. Or, I will tell them if he puts us in that position, but I will not be in the position of making excuses for him. My only role is to reassure the kids that the fact that he skips visitation affects them but isn't because of them. In other words, he is not doing it because he doesn't love them enough, but because he has problems within himself. Sometimes the people we love can't love us back the way we want. In real life it's healthier for us to learn to give ourselves what we need by building other relationships and to distance ourselves from the people who prove through their behavior that they can't treat us well. Sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Honestly, I facilitated my children's relationship with their dad for years. The truth is that I contributed to the illusion of a relationship with him and that illusion is not all that real. I'm not sure in the end that it was a helpful, healthy thing to do for the kids. He has gotten a new, serious girlfriend and is slowly starting to miss his times with them in order to be with her. I have tried several times to explain that the kids notice and are unhappy. He perceives this as me pressuring him and wanting to undermine his relationship with his girlfriend. After much self-reflection, I have decided that his relationship with the kids has to stand on its own -- I can't be involved. If he wants to skip visitation, he will have to tell the kids. Or, I will tell them if he puts us in that position, but I will not be in the position of making excuses for him. My only role is to reassure the kids that the fact that he skips visitation affects them but isn't because of them. In other words, he is not doing it because he doesn't love them enough, but because he has problems within himself. Sometimes the people we love can't love us back the way we want. In real life it's healthier for us to learn to give ourselves what we need by building other relationships and to distance ourselves from the people who prove through their behavior that they can't treat us well. Sad, but true.

I'm guessing you (the poster quoted above) had a loving involved father in your life growing up. You can be very proud that you have taught your kids "the people they love can't love them back" and be very proud of yourself. On the other hand, there are many kids who grow up with absentee fathers, and miss those people very much in their lives and struggle with that rejection and sadness for a long time.

Ultimately OP cannot "make" her X do anything. Ultimately he will make choices. But OP says her kids miss their father and if I were OP I would try to meet him halfway or quarter way. If he elects not to meet her halfway, that's his choice. But for the sake of their kids, I think it's a kind and loving thing to see if making visits easier would mean their dad stays more involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had been in a very amicable space for the last few years. He lived nearby and was pretty good about visitation and sharing the heavy lifting of parenting. During that time he was in a relationship but he kept her pretty separate from the kids and used his time without them to be with her. About 8 months ago they got engaged and moved in together. And with each passing month, my kids are seeing less and less of him. At first it was a missed weekend here and there, sometimes for work and sometimes for social stuff (weddings, weekends away, etc.) Then it was the one weeknight he was supposed to have them, mostly because it's a hassle now that he lives further away. Now we're going on a month without them seeing him at all and he's already let me know that he doesn't see that changing any time soon. He does call them a few times a week but that's not nearly enough for them. They are starting to get weepy and anxious about the situation and last night my son asked me point blank if his father is forgetting about them (my kids are 10 and 13).

The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?

Dear OP,
Having some personal experience with this in elementtary school age range , I would say the following:

1) when a kid puts everything aside and enters the Dasddy bubble it is because thet are starving for his love and attention. A kid with a healthy relationship who trusts that their parent " isn't going anywhere" starts to push for independance at age 13. If your's are weepy, they are being neglected and they KNOW it. You can help them by setting a clear standard that this is NOT acceptable, i.e.. " not the new normal". You may have to confront your EX and this may be his new wife driving it, but get a court advocate for your kids if he wont listen.

The reason: if your kids are made to accept that this is " the new normal" by you or theor dad or dad's new GF, then they on soem level internalize that that is all they deserve. FF 10, 15, 20 years and they will be attracted to member sof teh opposit sex who treat them like less than, who without the kind of love they deserve and they will spend decades perhaps replaying this loss and this conflict.

Not Kidding. Don't settle for this. Speak up , tell your kids it is unacceptable and take your ex to court if you have to. He is being a neglectful Dad and whetehr he realizes it and feels bad in 5 or 10 years, is irrelevant, right ? It is your kids emotional health that matters.

In meantime, find them some other outlets where they will get lots of positive role model attention like a sports team/ coach or a teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had been in a very amicable space for the last few years. He lived nearby and was pretty good about visitation and sharing the heavy lifting of parenting. During that time he was in a relationship but he kept her pretty separate from the kids and used his time without them to be with her. About 8 months ago they got engaged and moved in together. And with each passing month, my kids are seeing less and less of him. At first it was a missed weekend here and there, sometimes for work and sometimes for social stuff (weddings, weekends away, etc.) Then it was the one weeknight he was supposed to have them, mostly because it's a hassle now that he lives further away. Now we're going on a month without them seeing him at all and he's already let me know that he doesn't see that changing any time soon. He does call them a few times a week but that's not nearly enough for them. They are starting to get weepy and anxious about the situation and last night my son asked me point blank if his father is forgetting about them (my kids are 10 and 13).

The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?

Dear OP,
Having some personal experience with this in elementtary school age range , I would say the following:

1) when a kid puts everything aside and enters the Dasddy bubble it is because thet are starving for his love and attention. A kid with a healthy relationship who trusts that their parent " isn't going anywhere" starts to push for independance at age 13. If your's are weepy, they are being neglected and they KNOW it. You can help them by setting a clear standard that this is NOT acceptable, i.e.. " not the new normal". You may have to confront your EX and this may be his new wife driving it, but get a court advocate for your kids if he wont listen.

The reason: if your kids are made to accept that this is " the new normal" by you or theor dad or dad's new GF, then they on soem level internalize that that is all they deserve. FF 10, 15, 20 years and they will be attracted to member sof teh opposit sex who treat them like less than, who without the kind of love they deserve and they will spend decades perhaps replaying this loss and this conflict.

Not Kidding. Don't settle for this. Speak up , tell your kids it is unacceptable and take your ex to court if you have to. He is being a neglectful Dad and whetehr he realizes it and feels bad in 5 or 10 years, is irrelevant, right ? It is your kids emotional health that matters.

In meantime, find them some other outlets where they will get lots of positive role model attention like a sports team/ coach or a teacher

Not the OP, but a PP. Having tried this, I'm not sure it's the right route either. We can't MAKE people love us the way we want to be loved. Yes, it's good to teach kids to express their unhappiness at the way they are being treated and ask for change. But, engaging in a long court battle to get the desired attention/time with dad, is, I'm afraid, not the right message either.

IME, express your needs once, twice, maybe even thrice, but if there's no response, it's time to move on and create your own happy life with other people who are more supportive. Maybe Dad isn't there, but a brother, a grandfather, an uncle or a friend may serve as a good role model and provide the needed attention.

Frankly, no court is going to be able to make Dad go to visitation. The court may take away time that is not being used properly. But, even a court, can't make a dad show up if he doesn't want to show up.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. After a lot of talking with a few trusted friends who know him pretty well, I asked my ex to meet me for coffee by his office. The fact that he agreed was a positive sign.

Once we were there I started by asking him how he is feeling about the visitation/custody situation. He was pretty honest and said that while he feels bad he sees the kids much less often, right now his life is not really about "being daddy all the time."

At that point I told him what the kids have been expressing and I stressed that my goal wasn't to make him feel like a jerk but simply to help him understand what things look like when he's not there. He heard me out and then reiterated that he's just not open to doing more than he's doing now. As I was starting to speak again he got up and told me he had to get back to work and walked out the door.

Ok, so clearly he realizes he's letting his kids down. But he's also made it clear that his priorities don't include them. At this point I need to do what I can do make sure my kids feel loved and valued by me and by the other people in our lives. I have no plans to sit down with them and lay it all out but I'm also done covering for him in the ways I've done. I still don't have any great ideas for how to head down this road but I feel like at least I know where his head is at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. After a lot of talking with a few trusted friends who know him pretty well, I asked my ex to meet me for coffee by his office. The fact that he agreed was a positive sign.

Once we were there I started by asking him how he is feeling about the visitation/custody situation. He was pretty honest and said that while he feels bad he sees the kids much less often, right now his life is not really about "being daddy all the time."

At that point I told him what the kids have been expressing and I stressed that my goal wasn't to make him feel like a jerk but simply to help him understand what things look like when he's not there. He heard me out and then reiterated that he's just not open to doing more than he's doing now. As I was starting to speak again he got up and told me he had to get back to work and walked out the door.

Ok, so clearly he realizes he's letting his kids down. But he's also made it clear that his priorities don't include them. At this point I need to do what I can do make sure my kids feel loved and valued by me and by the other people in our lives. I have no plans to sit down with them and lay it all out but I'm also done covering for him in the ways I've done. I still don't have any great ideas for how to head down this road but I feel like at least I know where his head is at.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds strange -- but at least he is being honest with you and you can plan accordingly. It would be worse if he kept promising to change and then not showing up.

[Anonymous]

nothing to add except I think your kids are lucky to have you OP, and I think they will be fine.