Reply to My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you owe it to your kids to try to 1) let XH know about the kids and how they are feeling and 2) to be sympathetic to his situation (his new life is exciting, pressing on him) by offering solutions that may work better for him: can he see kids for larger blocks of time so he gets more "bang" for his drive? can you drive kids to his house and have him drive kids back? can you suggest outings that are in between and drive kids to those destinations? can you meet him half way for transitions, or drive them to his work, so he drives them home from there?

Just thoughts. Sad situation for him and them.[/quote]

NP.  Honestly, I facilitated my children's relationship with their dad for years.  The truth is that I contributed to the illusion of a relationship with him and that illusion is not all that real.  I'm not sure in the end that it was a helpful, healthy thing to do for the kids.  He has gotten a new, serious girlfriend and is slowly starting to miss his times with them in order to be with her.  I have tried several times to explain that the kids notice and are unhappy.  He perceives this as me pressuring him and wanting to undermine his relationship with his girlfriend.  After much self-reflection, I have decided that his relationship with the kids has to stand on its own -- I can't be involved.  If he wants to skip visitation, he will have to tell the kids.  Or, I will tell them if he puts us in that position, but I will not be in the position of making excuses for him.  My only role is to reassure the kids that the fact that he skips visitation affects them but isn't because of them.  In other words, he is not doing it because he doesn't love them enough, but because he has problems within himself.  Sometimes the people we love can't love us back the way we want.  In real life it's healthier for us to learn to give ourselves what we need by building other relationships and to distance ourselves from the people who prove through their behavior that they can't treat us well.  Sad, but true. [/quote]

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