Reply to My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My ex and I had been in a very amicable space for the last few years. He lived nearby and was pretty good about visitation and sharing the heavy lifting of parenting. During that time he was in a relationship but he kept her pretty separate from the kids and used his time without them to be with her. About 8 months ago they got engaged and moved in together. And with each passing month, my kids are seeing less and less of him. At first it was a missed weekend here and there, sometimes for work and sometimes for social stuff (weddings, weekends away, etc.) Then it was the one weeknight he was supposed to have them, mostly because it's a hassle now that he lives further away. Now we're going on a month without them seeing him at all and he's already let me know that he doesn't see that changing any time soon. He does call them a few times a week but that's not nearly enough for them. They are starting to get weepy and anxious about the situation and last night my son asked me point blank if his father is forgetting about them (my kids are 10 and 13).

The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?[/quote]

Dear OP,
Having some personal experience with this in elementtary school age range , I would say the following:

1) when a kid puts everything aside and enters the Dasddy bubble it is because thet are starving for his love and attention. A kid with a healthy relationship who trusts that their parent " isn't going anywhere" starts to push for independance at age 13. If your's are weepy, they are being neglected and they KNOW it. You can help them by setting a clear standard that this is NOT acceptable, i.e.. " not the new normal". You may have to confront your EX and this may be his new wife driving it, but get a court advocate for your kids if he wont listen.

The reason: if your kids are made to accept that this is " the new normal" by you or theor dad or dad's new GF, then they on soem level internalize that that is all they deserve. FF 10, 15, 20 years and they will be attracted to member sof teh opposit sex who treat them like less than, who without the kind of love they deserve and they will spend decades perhaps replaying this loss and this conflict.

Not Kidding. Don't settle for this. Speak up , tell your kids it is unacceptable and take your ex to court if you have to. He is being a neglectful Dad and whetehr he realizes it and feels bad in 5 or 10 years, is irrelevant, right ? It is your kids emotional health that matters.

In meantime, find them some other outlets where they will get lots of positive role model attention like a sports team/ coach or a teacher
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Not the OP, but a PP.  Having tried this, I'm not sure it's the right route either.  We can't MAKE people love us the way we want to be loved.  Yes, it's good to teach kids to express their unhappiness at the way they are being treated and ask for change.  But, engaging in a long court battle to get the desired attention/time with dad, is, I'm afraid, not the right message either.

IME, express your needs once, twice, maybe even thrice, but if there's no response, it's time to move on and create your own happy life with other people who are more supportive.  Maybe Dad isn't there, but a brother, a grandfather, an uncle or a friend may serve as a good role model and provide the needed attention.

Frankly, no court is going to be able to make Dad go to visitation.  The court may take away time that is not being used properly.  But, even a court, can't make a dad show up if he doesn't want to show up.

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