Help me to forget it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 1627. DH's aunts are horrible and horrific people. I posted about their behavior at his cousin's fiance's bridal shower. I was called a troll because no one could believe adults would treat someone like how they treated her. His cousin disinvited all aunts (except my MIL), his parents, and his sister to the wedding. He said his bride was his new family and he wouldn't allow anyone to treat her with disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It has been 2 years, but I can't let go of things that my MIL did on my wedding date. Every time anyone reminds me about it, my blood will be boiling. I haven't been treating her normal like pre-wedding day since then. I don't think she realized it. It is only hard on my side. What can I do to forget and/or forgive MIL? In case you may ask what she had done, despite we already had everything planed, she re-arranged her guests, re-arranged wedding favors between her guests and our friends tables (2 different favors), controlled wedding monetary gift box after the wedding (opened the gift cards and sum up the money without asking like she was doing me a favor) and suggested to use it to paid her back our loan (she lent us some money), stayed at our house on the wedding night, had a talk with DH about the monetary gift on that night so I ended up slept first. I am sure some of these got agreement from DH but given DH was tired and her child, I didn't blame DH much but I can't understand why MIL was so thoughtless and careless on that important occasion. This sometime holds me back from having a better relationship with MIL regardless how much care she gives me and DC. I don't want to hold a grudge but I just can't let go of it. Does anyone has any tips how to get over situation like this, please help? (talking to DH is not an option, I know he will defend for her and that is not I want to hear). This is not a troll, so please be serious. TIA


This is your problem. Not your MIL or what happened at your wedding. My MIL ruined our wedding too, an DH cut her off over it, so no problems persist between us. If your "D"H takes his mother's side routinely and not yours, your marriage is in trouble, no matter how fine it seems now.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 1627. DH's aunts are horrible and horrific people. I posted about their behavior at his cousin's fiance's bridal shower. I was called a troll because no one could believe adults would treat someone like how they treated her. His cousin disinvited all aunts (except my MIL), his parents, and his sister to the wedding. He said his bride was his new family and he wouldn't allow anyone to treat her with disrespect.

Ooohhh. Can you post a link? I'm dying to read about it. I won't call you a troll, promise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a husband problem. He should have told your mom no sleeping over and gotten her a hotel room and a cab. He should have told her he was not discussing the loan or whatever on his wedding night. Your husband has to speak up for his wife.

This. But it sounds like you knew he'd put his mom first going into this so not sure what you want us to tell you.

Yep. You've got a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

[Anonymous]

OP - it's hard to let go. I guess my advice is letting go would be for you, and not for them. And thinking about things that way have helped me over the years.

I will just tell you ONE thing my MIL did during wedding time (this is just one, not nec the best one). The day before wedding, while guests were checking into the hotel, she said the hotel was "a dump." It wasn't at all. Then she refused to come downstairs for the actual rehearsal. When my FIL finally went to get her, she came downstairs with wet hair, a tshirt and sweatpants. We had a photographer at our rehearsal, and this is how she showed up, so she wouldn't let photos be taken.

I say this now and laugh because I really have tried to let all of her mean-spiritedness go over the years. I realize that she is just a jealous person. She gets along with my BIL fine (her DD's husband), but always is competitive with me. Oh well. I have a great Mom so I don't need another one anyway.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you use the wedding money to pay back the loan?

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PPs. I will try to write it and shred it.
The issue with me is MIL was very disrespectful and thoughtless on my wedding day. Why did she have to go through all the greeting cards, open it when it was not for her? Would you be angry if someone opens your mail? Why did she have stay over night at our house? She was a bride once, she should know we need privacy and need to rest. We would pay back the load when I had the money but why can't she wait for a day at least? Why did it have to be that wedding night at midnight?
This disrespectful issue changes totally my relationship with her. Since then, it is hard to look pass things that she does but I don't like. I am trying to forget to make it better between us and not put DH in between. DH is the only child, it will be very hard for him to be in the middle, I can imagine. I agreed DH could have done something but he didn't.
I guess it is normal for MIL to be like this since it wasn't just my MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs. I will try to write it and shred it.
The issue with me is MIL was very disrespectful and thoughtless on my wedding day. Why did she have to go through all the greeting cards, open it when it was not for her? Would you be angry if someone opens your mail? Why did she have stay over night at our house? She was a bride once, she should know we need privacy and need to rest. We would pay back the load when I had the money but why can't she wait for a day at least? Why did it have to be that wedding night at midnight?
This disrespectful issue changes totally my relationship with her. Since then, it is hard to look pass things that she does but I don't like. I am trying to forget to make it better between us and not put DH in between. DH is the only child, it will be very hard for him to be in the middle, I can imagine. I agreed DH could have done something but he didn't.
I guess it is normal for MIL to be like this since it wasn't just my MIL

Lower your expectations of your relationship with her. Forgiving her for what she did doesn't mean that you will have the same relationship with her again. That's ok. And it's ok to put DH in charge of his relationship with his mother. Let him schedule visits, let him go on some without you, let him pick out gifts for mother's day and Christmas, let him send photos of the baby. There's no reason for you to be very involved, and the less involved you are, the easier it will be to free yourself of feeling bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, write it all down and then just trash it.

My MIL drove with my DH home from our reception in our rented car because she thought he was drunk (he wasn't). I had to beg a ride back from a random guest because I got left at our reception venue.

They also refused to sit at their designated seats of honor next to my parents. So my parents had to sit by themselves at the parent's table.

Weird things happen with in laws. Just live and let it go.

I admire you. How's your relationship with ILs now? How do you forgive and forget?

MIL completely owned our wedding (she ordered the cake before we had the chance to do it and sent my parents the bill, she switched the menu, etc., etc). After our first DC was born, however, she outdid herself and I now think the wedding was not all that bad

[Anonymous]

Is she kind and caring to you know? Have you attempted to respectfully set boundaries? Does she try to abide by these? Is she trying? Are you?

Also is she from a different culture with different expectations about marriage and inlaws?

Then let the other stuff go. All that matters now is the commitment to be supportive and positive presence in each other's lives from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, she stayed over ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? That takes the cake.

Pretty much this if she's from a Western culture. Could be somewhat excused if she's from a very conservative family *and* from a culture (e.g. some parts of India) in which the bride does NOT spend the first night after the wedding with her husband but with her husband's female relatives and no one clued her (MIL) that it's not the done thing in the Western world.

The not spending the first night after the wedding with one's husband derives from the times when the bride did not meet her husband prior to the wedding at all, or did so only a few times in the most controlled of settings. It was actually seen as an act of consideration to the bride not to force her to spend the night with a virtual stranger right away and to have her "fulfill her wifely duties" after an exhausting day.

Strange as it may seem, this is still observed in some families. It happened to an Indian friend of mine just a few years ago. Her husband's mother and aunts loved her to bits and when, after the wedding, he tried to take her to their room, he actually got chewed out by his female relatives for being "so inconsiderate" of his new wife. They proclaimed that "the poor dear" would be staying with them that night and my friend and her husband went along with that, even if they were really longing for some private time, because there was no way not to without causing huge offense to the relatives who were showing such thoughtfulness to the new member of their family.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap!

Boundaries, OP, boundaries. Yesterday. Seriously.

People who call troll when family relationships are at issue need a slap in the head.

You find someone's true colors at events such as weddings, births, funerals....did I leave anything out? When people show you their true colors, BELIEVE THEM.

Your DH is NOT going to step up, your ILs know this. You need to do the dirty work. Now. Don't confront them, just change the situation, quietly. GL. What origin is your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been 2 years, but I can't let go of things that my MIL did on my wedding date. Every time anyone reminds me about it, my blood will be boiling. I haven't been treating her normal like pre-wedding day since then. I don't think she realized it. It is only hard on my side. What can I do to forget and/or forgive MIL? In case you may ask what she had done, despite we already had everything planed, she re-arranged her guests, re-arranged wedding favors between her guests and our friends tables (2 different favors), controlled wedding monetary gift box after the wedding (opened the gift cards and sum up the money without asking like she was doing me a favor) and suggested to use it to paid her back our loan (she lent us some money), stayed at our house on the wedding night, had a talk with DH about the monetary gift on that night so I ended up slept first. I am sure some of these got agreement from DH but given DH was tired and her child, I didn't blame DH much but I can't understand why MIL was so thoughtless and careless on that important occasion. This sometime holds me back from having a better relationship with MIL regardless how much care she gives me and DC. I don't want to hold a grudge but I just can't let go of it. Does anyone has any tips how to get over situation like this, please help? (talking to DH is not an option, I know he will defend for her and that is not I want to hear). This is not a troll, so please be serious. TIA

This is your problem. Not your MIL or what happened at your wedding. My MIL ruined our wedding too, an DH cut her off over it, so no problems persist between us. If your "D"H takes his mother's side routinely and not yours, your marriage is in trouble, no matter how fine it seems now.

NP. I agree wholeheartedly with this. There is bound to be another scenario in the future where your MIL will attempt to cross the line. Managing your response to her is one thing, but being able to be on the same team with your DH is just as important.

[Anonymous]

Would it make you feel better if she apologized? I have ongoing MIL issues, and I think an apology from her would be a step in the right direction. Time does not heal all wounds - communication can help. If it's better for your DH to talk to her, then do that, but tell him you cannot get past what happened until someone clears the air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, she stayed over ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? That takes the cake.

+1. I hope you had loud screaming sex all night long, complete with bed and wall pounding.