Do you get personal time away from DH/DW?

[Anonymous]

We usually text each other when we're heading home, but both go out after work without each other a few times a month. When we go out on the weekend - for a bike ride or to go shopping - the person going out mention approximately how long they plan to be gone so the other person knows when to worry, if they should eat lunch or wait, etc. I need more alone time than my husband so he often offers to watch the baby and encourages me to get out of the house alone for a bit, especially if the baby is being fussy.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell him that you want the alone time, hinting isn't enough. I had this problem when my husband first started staying home with the kids. I am the type of person that just needs more alone time than others. I would tell him that I was going out and where I was going. He would almost always come up with a reason for the entire family to go. He was always looking for somewhere to take the kids, and didn't understand that I wasn't necessarily going out just to get or do whatever, but that I wanted some space. They have no way of knowing that unless you tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Answering PP's questions
In 8 years together, those 2 times + 2 girl only baby showers are the only I am alone without him somewhere.

My aunt lives 30 min driving away only and we see her once a month or two month. I think it doesn't need check in.
Ok, the oversea travel checking everyday is reasonable.
He goes out with his friend recently almost every week. He asked me to go but I have nothing to do there so I don't go.
We shop together because he asks to go with me every time I say "I will go to Wal-Mart or I need to do grocery".
We work FT but we text everyday (he started first most of the time)
I am sure love him and want to be with him but this seems too much controlling to me. There are lot more things that I am annoyed right now with him but not this one. I want to know if it is normal to couple out there or is it just me so I can adjust or ask him for some alone time.

[Anonymous]

If I wanted personal time away, he would encourage me to take it. But honestly, even after 28 years of marriage, we prefer to spend our free time together. We do not vacation without each other, ever.

That's just us though. We are weird like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We generally know where each other is but will regularly leave the other without notice to run errands, go for a run, go to the library, etc. knowing the other will be back before too long. We have our phones in case something comes up. We rarely "check in" or let the other know we arrived safely, as that seems a bit cloying to us.

Yes - same here. And if we're out for a longer time we'll give an ETA, but if we're significantly late we text each other. Like if I was supposed to be back at 9, but will be late, I'll just text, "hey, dinner's lasting longer than expected - should be home by 10:30" Just so he's not worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I wanted personal time away, he would encourage me to take it. But honestly, even after 28 years of marriage, we prefer to spend our free time together. We do not vacation without each other, ever.

That's just us though. We are weird like that.

I don't think it's weird, my parents were like that. My mom never liked to go anywhere by herself, even grocery shopping. She has never even been to the mall by herself. I think if both people are on the same page and enjoy it, it's fine.

But OP, it sounds like you're feeling a bit suffocated and you need some time alone. That is totally reasonable. Don't hint. Just tell him.

[Anonymous]

That sounds a bit controlling if he gets upset every time you want to do something on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. He is not a cheater. I can be sure about that. When I let him go out to his meet up close by, he doesn't text me. He always do thing together even grocery or shopping. But then he usually show that he doesn't like it when I take my time.
Well, I don't remember he being like this when we we were dating. We dated only a year.
He know where I will be but still want me to text him when I get there. For example, I went to see my aunt one time, he asked me to text him when I arrived. Another,i went on a 2 weeks vacayion to see my mom oversea he emailed me every day saying how he missed me and was waiting to see me again and sent sad face emoticons. My trip wasn't so great because I felt like that made him sad. This is too annoying that i avoid going out by myself so I don't have to deal with it. But now the ",do together" things all the time make me feel suffocated. DDH said you choose to marry me, why are you doing non-family things and/or exclude me from your plans.
How much alone time is reasonable?

"Because in marrying you, I did not give up all of my individuality, need for space or own interests. I am married to you, not part of you. I am my own person, entitled to fulfill my own wants and needs within the context of our marriage."

[Anonymous]

What you are describing would not work for me OP. It would reflect pretty fundamental differences in what we want/need from our marriage and it would probably be extremely difficult to resolve.

Neither approach is necessarily wrong, but if you can't find a solution that works for both of you then you have a serious problem.

Counseling. Stat.

[Anonymous]

I think it is within the range of normal. I don't think it is controlling in the sense that there are likely many couples who are very happy spending time together, texting frequently and not feeling smothered. You say he goes out without you weekly and is fine with you saying no, you want to stay home alone. Some of your examples - like being annoyed he wants to know you have arrived safely when you travel or touching base each day when you are overseas are normal activities in the majority of marriages.

The issue here isn't that you both aren't on the same page. Maybe he is more extroverted and really enjoys your company and you are more introverted and prefer more personal space. You seem to want very little contact or time together and he wants too much. You are going to have to find a happy medium you can both live with.

You need to sit down and tell him clearly that you are feeling smothered and that you need time to yourself. decide before the conversation what that time will look like - that you want to be able to run to Walmart alone or that you are going to go out once a week to an exercise class alone. When he sees this as you not wanting to be with him, reframe it as you needing time to be with yourself (it isn't about him, it is about you). Then just do it.

[Anonymous]

What else is annoying you about him? Have you felt okay with doing a lot together all these years? Maybe you are annoyed about other things he's done, and it's affecting how you feel about doing so much together.

What is normal varies for couples. A lot of couples keep close track of each other and do a lot together. Other couples have more independent time. As long as both feel good about it, it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. He is not a cheater. I can be sure about that. When I let him go out to his meet up close by, he doesn't text me. He always do thing together even grocery or shopping. But then he usually show that he doesn't like it when I take my time.
Well, I don't remember he being like this when we we were dating. We dated only a year.
He know where I will be but still want me to text him when I get there. For example, I went to see my aunt one time, he asked me to text him when I arrived. Another,i went on a 2 weeks vacayion to see my mom oversea he emailed me every day saying how he missed me and was waiting to see me again and sent sad face emoticons. My trip wasn't so great because I felt like that made him sad. This is too annoying that i avoid going out by myself so I don't have to deal with it. But now the ",do together" things all the time make me feel suffocated. DDH said you choose to marry me, why are you doing non-family things and/or exclude me from your plans.
How much alone time is reasonable?

"Because in marrying you, I did not give up all of my individuality, need for space or own interests. I am married to you, not part of you. I am my own person, entitled to fulfill my own wants and needs within the context of our marriage."

+1 great respinse.

OP, your DH sounds like he is very controlling. This isnt love. Get out.

[Anonymous]

OP.
I enjoy spending time together, long trip or vacation together. I don't fell okay with doing together ALL THE TIME but I tried for all these years to see if I will change and like it. I guess it built up and now I feel it together with other stress and annoying.
I am more introvert like other PP said. I enjoyed my own time in my own space growing up. I feel like I have to watch myself being with others and not totally let myself loose. And it is tired if you know what I mean.

I feel being controlled because he is ok with me staying at home but going outside is a different story. I don't have much to talk to him when I get home from work because he already texted asking "how is your day so far or what did you eat for lunch?" everyday.

The other annoying things is DH often corrects me which appreciated for helping but at the same time I don't like it when it gets too often and when it is just differences between personalities. Plus the way he said it is annoying. It makes me feel stupid and my confident/self-esteem is super low being around him. For example, he said "why don't you put these knife further back in the dish drying rack so that you don't get hurt to get spoon and fork out (in the same slot). Try to do things that make more sense". OK let me explain this more, we wash dishes by hand, there are 3 slots for spoon, fork, knife and at that time I put the knife in the outside slot, the most easiest to grab and common we are adults, can we just watch what we are doing! It implied to me that I am stupid, doing non-sense thing. Also he often complaints with a question type "Why are you doing ....? ", "Don't you think ..... ?" , "Why don't you ..." which eventually leading to I am accepting I am wrong and he is right. I feel irritated. OK so this is off topic, it is properly just personality here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.
I enjoy spending time together, long trip or vacation together. I don't fell okay with doing together ALL THE TIME but I tried for all these years to see if I will change and like it. I guess it built up and now I feel it together with other stress and annoying.
I am more introvert like other PP said. I enjoyed my own time in my own space growing up. I feel like I have to watch myself being with others and not totally let myself loose. And it is tired if you know what I mean.

I feel being controlled because he is ok with me staying at home but going outside is a different story. I don't have much to talk to him when I get home from work because he already texted asking "how is your day so far or what did you eat for lunch?" everyday.

The other annoying things is DH often corrects me which appreciated for helping but at the same time I don't like it when it gets too often and when it is just differences between personalities. Plus the way he said it is annoying. It makes me feel stupid and my confident/self-esteem is super low being around him. For example, he said "why don't you put these knife further back in the dish drying rack so that you don't get hurt to get spoon and fork out (in the same slot). Try to do things that make more sense". OK let me explain this more, we wash dishes by hand, there are 3 slots for spoon, fork, knife and at that time I put the knife in the outside slot, the most easiest to grab and common we are adults, can we just watch what we are doing! It implied to me that I am stupid, doing non-sense thing. Also he often complaints with a question type "Why are you doing ....? ", "Don't you think ..... ?" , "Why don't you ..." which eventually leading to I am accepting I am wrong and he is right. I feel irritated. OK so this is off topic, it is properly just personality here.

once you are annoyed, everything he says and does becomes annoying. I can completely see a woman on here complaining about how her DH puts the dishes away in a way that she has to reach over sharp knives to get at utensils and what an idiot he is for doing that. And how she has to teach how how to do dishes the right way. It sounds like he is more like a more traditional women - nagging and criticizing because the job isn't done to her satisfaction.

What happens when you talk to him about how you feel? Is he respectful of you? You may need to sit down and have a talk where you tell him that you can't keep doing things the way you are because it is making you upset. Tell him you need space and how you will take it, let him know that if he says something that makes you feel stupid, you will let him know this. let him know examples of what makes you feel he is putting you down. It sounds like you need to be a little more assertive and have a backbone. Be your own person. If he texts you about how was your day, you don't have to text back if you are eon your way home. When you get home say I preferred to tell you in person.