Dad's 75th birthday--dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person that thinks it is odd to plan an academic conference for your birthday?

No . It definitely isn't my idea of an extravaganza- but I do work in academia and some of the types are definitely a bit odd socially, even if very kind and nice people!

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. This is going to be a big hassle for you and your young kids, which would be worth it if you felt like your father cared whether you attended and there were activities your whole family could participate in. But, because the entire agenda is something that doesn't work for your family, it seems like you are making a big sacrifice (and asking your DH to do the same), for no real reason. I'm pretty sure that I would not drag two young kids across the country in this situation. I would either go alone or plan another time to celebrate with my dad. Good Luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely right. It was very thoughtless wrt the kids and is not family friendly at all. My father was also a very popular academic and so I have totally been in your shoes before.

But I would still go. It would mean a lot to your father. I did the exact same thing you did for my dad's 70th, and he passed away a few years later. I would have regretted it immensely if I had missed it

Being an academic means his colleagues and students from a 2nd family to him, so i know how it can feel, to have this 2nd family prioritized over the actual family. But I know that being surrounded by everyone he loves is really what made him happiest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you said it's a beautiful place, I like the idea of you showing up for a few dinners etc and having your DH babysit--and be sure that the whole family shows up for that photo-op that your dad or your step-mom want, so they can say their grandkids are here (or to introduce the grandkids at the academic part--you and the kids don't have to STAY after the intro!)

So your gift is, besides all the time and $$ getting there, is letting them look like the involved grandparents that they may or may not be. The gift does NOT include actually sitting through these events. Use your newfound ample free time to explore the city with the kids, or let them play at the hotel pool.

I'd also warn them in advance about your limits so you don't have to deal with either of them trying to make you stay at any event, or go to an event you don't want to go to. Sounds like since the step-mom is the one ready with the guilt trip, that she's the one you'll need to talk to. If you talk to your dad and he relays it to her, it will be all watered down and she'll be pissy.

+1

Go. Consult with your dad and step-mom on which are their top events for you to attend, and when would be best for the grandkids to make a brief appearance (lunch?). Warn them that with the time change, the kids might be a bit off their games.

The only thing I would add, is if your mom or DH's family is close by, would they be willing to babysit for at least one night so you and DH could both enjoy a dinner?

[Anonymous]

How about asking him directly? Tell him you planned to all come but looking at the schedule now you wonder if he thinks its appropriate for the kids to be at many of the activities. Run through the schedule together - you mention he can be clueless so when you get to an activity, ask specifics . . . will the kids need to be quiet, are there food accommodations for children, point out this will be well after bedtime, etc. Ask if there are some things where he wants to have a family appearance, photo, etc. or if there are some things he wants to remain professional.

If nothing else he'll see that you are interested and trying to be appropriate. Maybe he'll come right out and say that it's not as family friendly as initially planned. Maybe the point will come up where you can throw out the idea of coming alone and see how he takes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about asking him directly? Tell him you planned to all come but looking at the schedule now you wonder if he thinks its appropriate for the kids to be at many of the activities. Run through the schedule together - you mention he can be clueless so when you get to an activity, ask specifics . . . will the kids need to be quiet, are there food accommodations for children, point out this will be well after bedtime, etc. Ask if there are some things where he wants to have a family appearance, photo, etc. or if there are some things he wants to remain professional.

If nothing else he'll see that you are interested and trying to be appropriate. Maybe he'll come right out and say that it's not as family friendly as initially planned. Maybe the point will come up where you can throw out the idea of coming alone and see how he takes it.

But don't say children, say toddlers .... And ask if they have babysitters they could recommend and do they happen to know the going hourly rate for sitters in the area so you can plan ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person that thinks it is odd to plan an academic conference for your birthday?

+1

AND to invite a 2 year old and a 6 year old.

I wouldn't go or perhaps go and leave the family AT HOME. I don't know why people are so easily guilted into doing things. Grow up and do what's best for your KIDS. Because they are not old enough to understand, while your father and stepmother should be.

[Anonymous]

Correction 4 year old. I guess I added the two

[Anonymous]

Cancel! It isn't kid friendly! How dare your father celebrate his 75th birthday doing adult things. News flash, OP, most of the world is not kid friendly nor should it be. It his 75th birthday and he gets to do whatever he damn well pleases without a single activity kid or ingrate daughter friendly

[Anonymous]

Do you want to go there with your kids, or not?

All other details aside (too much blah, blah, blah)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel! It isn't kid friendly! How dare your father celebrate his 75th birthday doing adult things. News flash, OP, most of the world is not kid friendly nor should it be. It his 75th birthday and he gets to do whatever he damn well pleases without a single activity kid or ingrate daughter friendly

I don't think OP said it was wrong of him to plan a non-kid friendly birthday celebration--it's the fact that her dad and his wife were so insistent that the kids come out for it, yet didn't plan anything that would be appropriate for them to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about asking him directly? Tell him you planned to all come but looking at the schedule now you wonder if he thinks its appropriate for the kids to be at many of the activities. Run through the schedule together - you mention he can be clueless so when you get to an activity, ask specifics . . . will the kids need to be quiet, are there food accommodations for children, point out this will be well after bedtime, etc. Ask if there are some things where he wants to have a family appearance, photo, etc. or if there are some things he wants to remain professional.

If nothing else he'll see that you are interested and trying to be appropriate. Maybe he'll come right out and say that it's not as family friendly as initially planned. Maybe the point will come up where you can throw out the idea of coming alone and see how he takes it.

But don't say children, say toddlers .... And ask if they have babysitters they could recommend and do they happen to know the going hourly rate for sitters in the area so you can plan ahead.

Why would septuagenarians know the going rate for baby sitters? Loony tunes some of you PPs are.

[Anonymous]

Go. Bring the kids. Ask stepmom, "I saw the schedule and was wondering...which activities were you thinking the kids could participate in? Since we're coming all this way and we know it's important to you for us to be there, we wondered how you would like us to be included in your plans."

It's a once in a lifetime thing. You're lucky to have your dad at 75!

[Anonymous]

OP here, we're going to go and make the best of it and try to have as much fun as possible as a family, but its a lot of adults-only activities or for older kids.

I inquired and this is the situation. Thursday: conference afternoon (no kids), 45 minute reception at 6 (we will bring kids), dinner (no kids--maybe I will go solo?). Friday, conference morning (no kids), luncheon (no kids), conference afternoon (no kids), reception (bring kids), dinner (no kids). Saturday was designed specifically for "family and friends" but the activities include snorkeling with sharks (great but not for 2/4 year olds) and sailing (hobie cat rental type thing--again, not for the littlest ones and I don't sail), even though we could just have a picnic on the beach, or there's a fantastic zoo. I will see if we can participate on some of saturday, because it would be crazy otherwise but my stepmom is pretty inflexible about changing plans, and each of them is leading an activity.

I should add that my kids are the only grandkids, but some of my dad's friends in the area are coming with family/their kids so it will be fun for them. That night an adults-only dinner (my kids are generally okay at restaurants, but when I asked I was told to get a sitter). so, there's really very little time for all of us to be together, though perhaps I can find time for brunch or something with my dad and stepmom before we leave on sunday.


I think what I didn't really articulate is that by bringing my kids, I wont' be able to spend much time with my dad, but by asking me to bring my kids and then planning all kinds of adult-only activities, it felt like my dad wasn't actually interested in family time, or even having me there, just wanted us out to check the box in front of his friends and colleagues. It would be okay if we saw them more as a family at other times, but they do not visit us (he comes if he is in town for work and sees us for a dinner) and have not invited us to visit them in 3 years so opportunities are limited--they came out for the birth of my first child because they were stopping over on their way back from Europe, and once they came for thanksgiving at our request. If I didn't bring my kids, at least I could be part of the big dad-fest, but I feel like by bringing them, we are marginal to the festivities ---and that is in many ways a reflection of how I've felt about my relationship with him for years, so it hurts a little bit. I guess that's what this forum is for--articulating those complex family dynamics that we think we are 'over' when we are adults, but we're really not.

I'm glad my dad is still around at 75 and glad that he's having a party and celebration that is clearly a big deal and meaningful to him. I just kind of wish that part of what made it meaningful was spending time with his kids/grandkids--he is the only grandfather they know, but they don't really know him.

[Anonymous]

With all that crappy background, OP, I say do what you need to do to be comfortable with your family. I'm sorry he's not the kind of dad/grandpa you'd hoped for.