Dad's 75th birthday--dilemma
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Anonymous
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My dad is turning 75 and he and my stepmother (she, mostly) have planned a crazy extravaganza for it. for background, they live on the west coast, he is retired but still very active and high profile academic. 6 months ago they told us the dates and that it would be a combination of academic friends and family and they really wanted us all to come out (me DH, and 2 and 4 year old kids). the dates did not coincide with our other west coast trip to visit my mom and DH's family, but we sucked it up and bought a second set of tickets to the west coast, for a 4 day trip on labor day weekend.
since then, we got all the details and I really have no idea why they wanted our kids to come. There are 2 days of essentially an academic conference, with receptions (so not kid friendly) and then there are 2 days of 'fun' family/friend activities, but neither of which my kids are old enough to do, so ergo we can't do them either. Then there are dinners every night that are explicitly not kid friendly and they suggested we get a sitter. So, either we go out there and spend time with our kids, but not with my dad, family, or others, and not doing the 'group things,' or we go out there, and trade off watching the kids or getting sitters. Either way, it just doesn't make sense. My dad has always been clueless, and my stepmom has no children (or grandkids) of her own, so I get that they are not thinking about the logistics like we are. But why the hell did they insist we all come out of there is basically nothing we can all do together with them? We already bought tickets, but I am considering going myself and leaving DH at home with the kids. One the one hand, its in a beautiful location and we will have fun with them during the day, but on the other, I'm annoyed that we're spending all this money and dragging our kids cross country (for the second time in a month) to basically not spend any time with their grandparents or, even, with us in the evenings. To complicate matters, if we do not all come out, I fear that my stepmother will take it as a huge insult (trust me on this) and will pull all kinds of guilt trips. My dad probably at heart doesn't care if we come or not, but for appearances sake would like to have his (only) grandkids there. |
Anonymous
| Go. Skip the conferences and go to the receptions afterwards. Then your DH can hang with the kids while you attend the dinners (maybe the kids can take a late nap and then attend the cocktail hours of the dinners). Sometimes it's important to put in face time. |
Anonymous
This, and if you have to bring the kids to the dinner, bring lots of new bribe toys and ipads/gadgets to entertain them. |
Anonymous
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I would just suck it up and get through it. It's only once, and will probably mean a great deal to your dad to have his whole family (grand kids as well) there for him on this special occasion.
signed, someone who just sent a huge check overseas for my father's 70th birthday (wanted an expensive trip in lieu of huge party). gritting my teeth b/c we (siblings and I) will be footing the bill for step-mother as well. |
Anonymous
| How old are your kids? I went to receptions and dinners with my parents starting when I was five. Really your kids should be able to do these things unless they are preschoolers or younger. |
Anonymous
Seriously? Kids should be able to interact politely in adult settings without bringing along iPads and being bribed. |
Anonymous
You must have skipped the part where OP said her kids are two and four years old. Also keep in mind the kids will be on a plane for five hours to the West Coast and there's a three hour time difference so they'll be jet lagged and up WAY later than usual. Could spell horrible behavior. |
Anonymous
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Since you said it's a beautiful place, I like the idea of you showing up for a few dinners etc and having your DH babysit--and be sure that the whole family shows up for that photo-op that your dad or your step-mom want, so they can say their grandkids are here (or to introduce the grandkids at the academic part--you and the kids don't have to STAY after the intro!)
So your gift is, besides all the time and $$ getting there, is letting them look like the involved grandparents that they may or may not be. The gift does NOT include actually sitting through these events. Use your newfound ample free time to explore the city with the kids, or let them play at the hotel pool. I'd also warn them in advance about your limits so you don't have to deal with either of them trying to make you stay at any event, or go to an event you don't want to go to. Sounds like since the step-mom is the one ready with the guilt trip, that she's the one you'll need to talk to. If you talk to your dad and he relays it to her, it will be all watered down and she'll be pissy. |
Anonymous
Seriously? A two and four year old dealing with a 3 hr time difference and out at a very nice dinner? I would be bringing all the small quit toys and bribes I could fit in my purse just in case. Also, I would rent a car or make sure you are close to the hotel so your husband can just up and leave when he needs to with the kids. You don't want to have to rely on rides when the kids are losing it during the middle of dinner. |
Anonymous
| Am I the only person that thinks it is odd to plan an academic conference for your birthday? |
Anonymous
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Please go and participate in what you can, and as suggested above, make an appearance when its not a kid-appropriate event and then just go and enjoy yourselves doing something else.
My dad was diagnosed with ALS when he was 76 and was gone before he turned 79, so be there while you can. |
Anonymous
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I guess I don't really see what the problem is. Go with an open heart, participate in what you can. Have your husband help with the logistics for the kids.
I'm still a little puzzled about what the problem is. You're complaining because your dad's wife planned a big event for his 75th birthday and invited his kids? I plan stuff for my husband all the time and invite his family. Doesn't everyone? I suspect you'd be complaining if she had not bothered to plan anything for your father. You'd probably complain if she had not invited you. Being a stepmother is really a crap job. |
Anonymous
| Just go and skip the conference parts. You'll figure out dinners - alternate, sitter etc. |
Anonymous
| I would suggest changing your attitude from being annoyed to let's make this work. The events were scheduled with your father in mind, not you. It'll work out if you want it to. |
Anonymous
I have a similar perspective. My dad was vibrant and active at 75. A couple of years later health problems and depression set in, and he passed away suddenly a week before he turned 81. I had hoped to throw him a big party for his 80th, but he wasn't up for it. I was married the year he turned 75, and had many of his friends there and I'm so grateful we have those pictures and memories. |