Reply to Dad's 75th birthday--dilemma

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here, we're going to go and make the best of it and try to have as much fun as possible as a family,  but its a lot of adults-only activities or for older kids.

I inquired and this is the situation. Thursday: conference afternoon (no kids), 45 minute reception at 6 (we will bring kids), dinner (no kids--maybe I will go solo?).  Friday, conference morning (no kids), luncheon (no kids), conference afternoon (no kids), reception (bring kids), dinner (no kids). Saturday was designed specifically for "family and friends" but the activities include snorkeling with sharks (great but not for 2/4 year olds) and sailing (hobie cat rental type thing--again, not for the littlest ones and I don't sail), even though we could just have a picnic on the beach, or there's a fantastic zoo. I will see if we can participate on some of saturday, because it would be crazy otherwise but my stepmom is pretty inflexible about changing plans, and each of them is leading an activity.

I should add that my kids are the only grandkids, but some of my dad's friends in the area are coming with family/their kids so it will be fun for them. That night an adults-only dinner (my kids are generally okay at restaurants, but when I asked I was told to get a sitter). so, there's really very little time for all of us to be together, though perhaps I can find time for brunch or something with my dad and stepmom before we leave on sunday.

I think what I didn't really articulate is that by bringing my kids, I wont' be able to spend much time with my dad, but by asking me to bring my kids and then planning all kinds of adult-only activities, it felt like my dad wasn't actually interested in family time, or even having me there, just wanted us out to check the box in front of his friends and colleagues.   It would be okay if we saw them more as a family at other times, but they do not visit us (he comes if he is in town for work and sees us for a dinner) and have not invited us to visit them in 3 years so opportunities are limited--they came out for the birth of my first child because they were stopping over on their way back from Europe, and once they came for thanksgiving at our request.  If I didn't bring my kids, at least I could be part of the big dad-fest, but I feel like by bringing them, we are marginal to the festivities ---and that is in many ways a reflection of how I've felt about my relationship with him for years, so it hurts a little bit. I guess that's what this forum is for--articulating those complex family dynamics that we think we are 'over' when we are adults, but we're really not.

I'm glad my dad is still around at 75 and glad that he's having a party and celebration that is clearly a big deal and meaningful to him. I just kind of wish that part of what made it meaningful was spending time with his kids/grandkids--he is the only grandfather they know, but they don't really know him.

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