Reply to How to deal with a mean mom

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How to deal with a mean mom"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I could have written this post and more, right down to the showering children with gifts.

My mother has been mentally and physically ill all my life; she has been verbally abusive for most of it as well.  I have tolerated it for years and 'accepted' that it was 'all my fault' because I was 'such a terrible daughter'.  Until I was typing this post, I managed to forget that she also hit me as well as my father:  I guess I repressed a lot because there has been so much.  All of us in my family have put up with the behavior being grateful that she is sober (recovering alcoholic and addict), alive (also cancer survivor), and functional (she has some serious physical disabilities as well).  People have told me to cut her slack for years given how miserable her life is, and I did and I have.

That is, until about 3 years ago, when she started making up lies about my husband and showing tendencies of being cruel to my daughter (favoring visibly another grandchild over my child and making comments that were potentially able to hurt my child).  That's when we really started limiting contact physically in terms of visits although I still talk to her every day by phone (on the rare occasions that I don't call every day she can be scathing to me, so I've learned my lesson).

About two months ago, I asked my therapist if he could possibly help me understand what kind of mental illness she might have -- I finally realized it had to be more than the anxiety and depressive disorders for which she has been treated all my life.  He told me he suspected borderline personality disorder/narcissism and EVERYTHING fell into place.  Now I understand why she behaves as she does, why she says what she says, why she is as miserable inside as she is to my father and to me, and now to my brother, sister-in-law, and potentially my husband.

This does not make it easier, OP.  It breaks my heart to think that if I never see my mother again, it might be easier on all of us (and even on her, for she will never be well, from what I understand, and she will never be able to be happy).  I'm in a particularly hard spot right now because we are getting ready to move across the country and this is playing into a borderline's worst fear (abandonment) and my mother is being very, very cruel about this (we really don't feel that we have a choice due to DH's employment).  I have basically made the decision not to go and say goodbye to her and my dad in person because I have no clue what she would say to my daughter and I don't want her memories of her grandmother to be scarred.  My mother would see it as 'the last goodbye' (which it would be if she or my dad died before we came back to visit within a couple of months, as we have promised to do) and I am scared she will do something so destructive that.... well, enough said.

I didn't mean to hijack your post, so I'll stop writing.   I did want to suggest that for those who have lived with borderline/narcissist parents and not known WHAT it was, the diagnosis can be very liberating.  There is not really a treatment; some forms of therapy CAN help but not by much.  There is, though, support for survivors, even on an anonymous forum like this.  Just writing tonight has helped me.  I wish you all the best.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics