How to tell parents how I really feel?

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone is being so critical of OP. My grandparents moved in with us when I was a child--they couldn't stay by themselves as there was no family nearby, and my parents could afford a large enough house on their own to accommodate us kids plus GPs, so they used the money from selling GP house to get a bigger one. It was a lot of stress for my mom, and she and her mom fought a fair amount, but I loved having GP around. (and there was some benefits for my parents of having an extra set of hands around as well.). But I agree with PPs that you need to be frank and say you want to be there for them, and really can't be driving up and down 95 to do that. If they're really not ready to leave, it's hard to push them to that point. We tried to do that with my parents and just pissed them off. One thing that's not clear from your post is whether your parents are from a different culture. My parents are American born, but really from a different generation and from cultures where it was not uncommon for multi-generations to cohabitate, so even though there was some strife, everyone considered it sort of normal family strife. For most Americans, this kind of multigenerational cohabitation is weird, so I think most would not put up with the inevitable friction.
As for the Medicaid point, not every home will take Medicaid...sometimes when the money runs out, you need to move to a different facility.

[Anonymous]

PP, the cost of healthcare then vs now is unbelievable. Op wont be able to afford it and it can destroy her marriage. Her parents made poor choices. Now they have to figure out what to do. Does no one read The Ant and the Grasshopper?

I am from a different culture where kids took care of their parents. That meant home care until they died, not massive healthcare bills. Times have changed and we all have to adapt. $ or lack of it will drive all of our decisions.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Unless they are incompetent, you can't make the plan for their lives without their input.

I suggest you talk with a social worker who focuses on elder care solo and with your parents and see what makes sense. If your parents won't cooperate in planning, talk with the social worker about how to talk with them and to help figure out what you will and won't be willing to do.

[Anonymous]

If your H doesn't want to live in traffic or pay for assisted living, he should help you help them buy a condo in your area. What kind of person is he if he is making you feel like your family is a burden???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your H doesn't want to live in traffic or pay for assisted living, he should help you help them buy a condo in your area. What kind of person is he if he is making you feel like your family is a burden???

Seriously? You expect her DH to help them buy a condo when they're in the midst of moving themselves and raising two young kids??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your H doesn't want to live in traffic or pay for assisted living, he should help you help them buy a condo in your area. What kind of person is he if he is making you feel like your family is a burden???

Seriously? You expect her DH to help them buy a condo when they're in the midst of moving themselves and raising two young kids??

Np here. Yes, it's her parents! They gave her life. Shouldn't we love family? I would do anything for my DH, including take care of his parents.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Lot of unhelpful comments here. I understand where you are coming from. My parents are immigrants and totally not sophisticated. No retirement, hell we grew up without health insurance and I got lucky and got basically a free ride for college. I have law school debt but my parents are basically totally dependent on their kids as they age. Luckily for me, they live in a reasonably high real estate market - bought for $90,000 in 1980 and still have a mortgage, but they could maybe sell for $500,000 today. And, I have two brothers so I don't shoulder all the burden.

That said, I understand the world you are stuck in oP and I don't think you are being selfish or demanding anything. You need to explain to your parents how hard the travel back and forth is and how it will only get harder as the kids get older. If they aren't willing or able to move closer, they need to have some kind of home health care lined up for WHEN (not IF) the situation arises. Planning now jointly for what will happen in the next 10-15 years is critixal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one likes this plan except you. I'd back off. Who knows what will happen to your parents health. Maybe they will be reasonably self sufficent and drop dead of heart attacks. Maybe they will need twenty years of care. You don't know.

They might prefer to age in place and spend their cash on a home health nurse than a renovation to your house.

It seems that the renovation would be exclusively for her parents (in-law suite). And it also sounds like her parents will not be able to afford to "age in place", and that the cost would fall on OP. So while it might not be the best solution, it is a viable one and should be explored with all of the other options. It's a difficult discussion to have, but I would use this conversation about them moving in to open up a broader discussion about the future and all available options.

[Anonymous]

I do agree with the PP that you should buy the house you want, and if the time comes that your parents need to live with you then you can renovate at that time - no need to do it right now. If paying for assisted living isn't on the table, then it's not on the table. It may be years before this even comes up. Your DH rolling his eyes and considering your parents a charity case is really low, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with the PP that you should buy the house you want, and if the time comes that your parents need to live with you then you can renovate at that time - no need to do it right now. If paying for assisted living isn't on the table, then it's not on the table. It may be years before this even comes up. Your DH rolling his eyes and considering your parents a charity case is really low, however.

This. I think some of the flack that OP is getting is based on the sense that she, too, considers her parents a charity case.

Dealing with aging parents is not easy, but I think you really have to come at it from a place of love and respect and trying to find a solution that works for both parents and children. If you resent your parents for not being as wealthy as your husband's parents, and think they are obligated to do whatever you want them to, then it's going to be much more stressful. Don't say, "You need to move into our house so you're not as much of a burden to me." Say, "We need to talk about your plans as you get older. Do you hope to stay in your house? What will you do when/if you aren't able to take care of it anymore? Would you prefer to move into a smaller place with less upkeep? What about assisted living? What resources do you have available to pay for these things? I'd rather that you make these decisions now rather than me making them for you later."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with the PP that you should buy the house you want, and if the time comes that your parents need to live with you then you can renovate at that time - no need to do it right now. If paying for assisted living isn't on the table, then it's not on the table. It may be years before this even comes up. Your DH rolling his eyes and considering your parents a charity case is really low, however.

+1

One or both of your parents may never be able to live with you. Someone might have to go directly from independent living to a facility, unless you and DH plan to foot the bill for 24/7 in-home care.

Or, they may be able to live on their own until pretty much the end.

You're planning for the things you cannot control or predict yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lot of unhelpful comments here. I understand where you are coming from. My parents are immigrants and totally not sophisticated. No retirement, hell we grew up without health insurance and I got lucky and got basically a free ride for college. I have law school debt but my parents are basically totally dependent on their kids as they age. Luckily for me, they live in a reasonably high real estate market - bought for $90,000 in 1980 and still have a mortgage, but they could maybe sell for $500,000 today. And, I have two brothers so I don't shoulder all the burden.

That said, I understand the world you are stuck in oP and I don't think you are being selfish or demanding anything. You need to explain to your parents how hard the travel back and forth is and how it will only get harder as the kids get older. If they aren't willing or able to move closer, they need to have some kind of home health care lined up for WHEN (not IF) the situation arises. Planning now jointly for what will happen in the next 10-15 years is critixal.

This is good stuff, OP. I think you should just lay it out. They can make the choice to stay out there, but they will do it knowing that you won't be able to provide support, as you can't make the drive.
Also, have you really explored the housing situation? If they've owned that house for a while, they should be able to sell is and move closer to you, if they significantly downside. (I'm talking no-frills one-bedroom type thing.)
Many, MANY people in your parent's generation have not planned for their final years (not just immigrants!) Ultimately, you can have a frank conversation, lay out possible options, explain how you can and can't assist, and then it's over to them. If they choose not to make realistic plans, you need to let go of any guilt about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with the PP that you should buy the house you want, and if the time comes that your parents need to live with you then you can renovate at that time - no need to do it right now. If paying for assisted living isn't on the table, then it's not on the table. It may be years before this even comes up. Your DH rolling his eyes and considering your parents a charity case is really low, however.

This. I think some of the flack that OP is getting is based on the sense that she, too, considers her parents a charity case.

Dealing with aging parents is not easy, but I think you really have to come at it from a place of love and respect and trying to find a solution that works for both parents and children. If you resent your parents for not being as wealthy as your husband's parents, and think they are obligated to do whatever you want them to, then it's going to be much more stressful. Don't say, "You need to move into our house so you're not as much of a burden to me." Say, "We need to talk about your plans as you get older. Do you hope to stay in your house? What will you do when/if you aren't able to take care of it anymore? Would you prefer to move into a smaller place with less upkeep? What about assisted living? What resources do you have available to pay for these things? I'd rather that you make these decisions now rather than me making them for you later."

This is what I see too. PP you are reasonable and this is good advice. If OP still feels like her parents owe her then there is nothing we can say to change her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with the PP that you should buy the house you want, and if the time comes that your parents need to live with you then you can renovate at that time - no need to do it right now. If paying for assisted living isn't on the table, then it's not on the table. It may be years before this even comes up. Your DH rolling his eyes and considering your parents a charity case is really low, however.

This. I think some of the flack that OP is getting is based on the sense that she, too, considers her parents a charity case.

Dealing with aging parents is not easy, but I think you really have to come at it from a place of love and respect and trying to find a solution that works for both parents and children. If you resent your parents for not being as wealthy as your husband's parents, and think they are obligated to do whatever you want them to, then it's going to be much more stressful. Don't say, "You need to move into our house so you're not as much of a burden to me." Say, "We need to talk about your plans as you get older. Do you hope to stay in your house? What will you do when/if you aren't able to take care of it anymore? Would you prefer to move into a smaller place with less upkeep? What about assisted living? What resources do you have available to pay for these things? I'd rather that you make these decisions now rather than me making them for you later."

Very articulately stated.