How to tell parents how I really feel?

[Anonymous]

My parents are lovely people. They worked hard to make a life for themselves in circumstances that were not ideal. They are from the west coast and came east (to a far out DC suburb) for a job 40 years ago. They had one child (me) whom they raised on their own. My mother and father are both only children and both sets of their parents are deceased. In many cases, they were clueless as they had no help/role models. They didn't know how to give advice, help me plan for college, pay for college, pay for my wedding, etc. My parents are now in their 70s. Mom's health is deteriorating. It will ultimately be my job to look out for my parents are they become elderly and less independent.

My husband is from a big traditional waspy family. Everyone gets along and everyone is reasonably wealthy. I know they think my parents are a little weird and feel bad for me bc I wasn't provided with a free education or wedding. And I don't have siblings or family members to lean on for advice/support.

Together, my husband and I make a decent living. We live comfortably in a great neighborhood in a close in DC suburb. We have two small children. I worry as my parents continue aging that I will be on the road constantly (1.5hrs each way) looking out for them. They can't afford to move to a condo or something up here. If they were to be moved into assisted living close to us, I'm afraid they'd eventually run out of money and the costs would fall on us and put pressure on our marriage.

My husband and I would like to move into a bigger home in the same neighborhood pretty soon. We asked my parents to move in with us bc I just think it would be the best easiest most cost effective solution. They would need to sell their home and put the money toward renovating or adding on to our new house so they could have a private entrance, private living space, etc.

My parents are resistant to the idea; they're afraid they'll be in the way. My husband is rolling his eyes at the thought of once again having to be financially responsible for my charity case (potentially paying for YEARS of assisted living or constantly living in traffic on 95 driving back and forth to help them). He wants them to be close (mainly for practical reasons); I want them close for those reasons but also bc growing up with NO extended family was no fun.

How do I encourage them to consider this option? And kindly suggest that by trying to give us "space" they're ultimately going to make our lives more difficult?

[Anonymous]

Lay it out for them. Ask them what their plans are for when they are incapacitated.

Frankly, there is only so much money and time you can devote to them. All of you have to be realistic about this. Health care costs can wipe you out. Come up w a plan. Together.

[Anonymous]

You sure got absorbed into your husband's family. That's nervy of you to want to make them sell their home to renovate yours. Have you actually costed out a small condo closer to you?

[Anonymous]

No one likes this plan except you. I'd back off. Who knows what will happen to your parents health. Maybe they will be reasonably self sufficent and drop dead of heart attacks. Maybe they will need twenty years of care. You don't know.

They might prefer to age in place and spend their cash on a home health nurse than a renovation to your house.

[Anonymous]

Also, do you need a bigger house? Why not stay I the. Same place and save that extra cash on case your parents need it down the road?

[Anonymous]

The moving in with you part is tricky. Why can't you have them sell their house and move "closer" but into their own rental place. Letting them be independent while they can is important. Choosing "the easiest and most cost-effective solution" of moving in with your family and doing add-ons to your house is a good idea but not the only option.

Letting your parents live nearby but in their own space for as long as they can would take the pressure off both you and your husband. Sometimes the easiest and most cost-effective way only looks good on a calculator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lay it out for them. Ask them what their plans are for when they are incapacitated.

Frankly, there is only so much money and time you can devote to them. All of you have to be realistic about this. Health care costs can wipe you out. Come up w a plan. Together.

+1. I agree with others that having them in their own place nearer you may be best, but lay out all the options and discuss. The discussion has to include that the current situation is not working and can't continue. But who knows, maybe they would prefer to stay where they are and hire help.

Also, you probably need to start thinking about how you will tell when they are no longer competent to make these decisions themselves.

[Anonymous]

There are some moderately priced assisted living with minimal supports. I had found two but they weren't enough support for us. There was also another one that was reasonable that had more but we could not afford (montgomery county). Medicaid pays for nursing homes when the money runs out. (this is the route we had to take)

[Anonymous]

You and your parents need to sit down with a financial planner and map out their future. You assume you'll have to assume financial responsibility them. I don't think that's necessarily true but if it is, all the more reason for you to sit with a financial planner so you have a plan and aren't just winging it. I can tell you that's a sure way to brink you're marriage to the brink of disaster.

If you parents do move in with you, what are you going to do if one of them ends up needing more assistance than you can provide. I can speak from experience the emotional, financial and relationship cost of having to provide care to an invalid parent whether you're doing it yourself or paying someone (expensive).

BTW - just because your parents were only children and didn't have family nearby isn't the cause of their inability to provide advice or help you with your education. You're making excuses for them for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Buy a house with an inlaw suite in the basement, if possible.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to live in a basement?

[Anonymous]

Do not use THEIR money to buy a bigger house... Huge mistake. If you can afford to buy a house with an in law suite, okay... and let them stay for a short period okay... But live with you... Big mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP here..

I just don't know what to do. They didn't plan appropriately for anything else so I doubt they planned for retirement. They can't afford their own place in this area. No point in moving them into another far out suburb. I'm not willing to foot the bill for assisted living for an undetermined amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Like the PP said, an in-law suite, albeit a separate space in the back or attached to your home instead of in the basement might work. Or maybe they could sell their home and live a little closer and cheaper to you in an apartment rental for a year or so while you try to figure out options.

Taking in one aging parent into your home can be difficult. Taking in both of them when one already has deteriorating health and both of them plus your husband is resistant to the idea, could definitely put a strain on you and your marriage.

You seem to be a caring daughter and it is really rough when you don't have siblings to help share the burden.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are saying they owe you this home addition because they didn't pay for your college or wedding. Lots of people are healthy and active in their 70s and not necessarily ready to move in with a child. I think you need to take things as they come a little bit. Maybe earmark some funds for possibly helping them in the future, or the buy the bigger house now and don't do the renovations until you need them. Some older people don't want to leave their home of many years. There are lots of services now that can help older folks so you won't necessarily need to be driving there to do things for them all of the time.