How hard should I try to keep dad involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should continue to provide opportunities to him. Well-documented opportunities. Let the failure to have a relationship with his son be on him, not because you tried to stop it from happening.

Well documented oppotunitues for sure. At some point soon you should pettition for sole legal custody. I did this recently and they judge asked why I waited so long. You don't want to have to count on someone who is unreliable to co-sign when you need things for your child. It was a great relief for me. I can do anything for my child I need to without needing permission from his father (i.e. I just got DS a passport and I didn't need a second signature or any additional forms, I just showed my court order).

That said I have not yet sought to terminate his parental rights (even though the judge thought I should) and I still give him opportunities to step up. He wants to vists sure (never shows up but fine). At some point in time he may decide he wants to be part of DS's life. It that happens great but if not I don't need anything from him.

So in summary
#1 Try to keep him involved but don't kill yourself going out of your way (raising a child doesn't leave much time especially if you are doing it alone. don't waste time on him) . If he is local tell him you'll be at X park at X time if he wants to stop by. Small things like that.
#2 Apply for Sole Custody (if you haven't already). He can choose to agree and it take 2-3 hours of a lawyers time to draft the motion and file it. Or he can not sign and you spend a few thousand to get the judget to order it w/o he consent (this is where you need to document how you have tried to get him involved) either way you are better off.
#3 Enjoy all your time with DC. Kids are great...but we all already know that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

This is what I did. It's not easy, child support would help a TON (there is an order, he's just ignoring it, it will be enforced eventually) and he is not happy at all abut the legal protections I've slowly put into place over the years, but it is what it is. We were married, btw. XH just wasn't interested in being an actual father to an actual child, you know with responsibilities like making sure said kid is clothed, housed, fed, safe and healthy. He just likes the idea and image of having a mini-me/heir/trophy.

I have a decent relationship with my child's paternal family, they visit every so often and we exchange emails and pictures. Just because XH skipped out, doesn't mean that they're at fault and my child should be cut off from that entire half of her background. I wanted to minimize the abandonment issues for my kid, make it clear that the problem was with XH alone, not with my child. Allowing her paternal family to continue their relationship with her helps with that.

I've had to answer questions from DC about why XH doesn't visit or see her anymore. I ask her questions to figure out what exactly she's missing about daddy and always reiterate that her father does love her but is unable to visit right now. No, I don't know why and I know that makes her feel sad. In the past, I would suggest drawing a picture or make something for him if she seemed to really miss him. We had a lot of talks about all the different sizes and shapes families can be and talking about extended family too.

I never, ever addressed it with XH. He's a grown man, he knows what he's missing. It is my responsibility to make sure he has ample (well-documented) opportunity to see and have a relationship with DC, but I will not attempt to guilt him or manipulate him into that relationship. I cannot change XH and I will no longer waste my energy and emotions trying to change XH. My obligation is to my child and making the best of this crappy situation.

As far as what I do to keep XH informed, I send what I am required to send in the order: an email when we move and an email within 24 hours when there is emergency medical care needed for DC. I don't have a mailing address or phone number for him, just an email address. If he contacts me with questions, I reply (and include pictures), but I no longer volunteer information (esp bc that usually ends in him ranting and threatening legal action against me). At this point, it's been 10mo since I've heard from him, 2.5 years since we've seen him.

Seems like you have a good plan in place and are legally protected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should continue to provide opportunities to him. Well-documented opportunities. Let the failure to have a relationship with his son be on him, not because you tried to stop it from happening.

+1

And by continue to provide opportunities, it needs to be until the middle teen years when a judge would likely allow the boy to decide for himself anyway. Document. Document. Document.

[Anonymous]

13:13, I have a similar situation and have made similar choices, with the exception of formal legal action. I've consulted a few attorneys but my situation is unique and it was difficult to get specific advice. DC is 2 yo and I'm trying to decide how to proceed. Would you be comfortable chatting offline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

This is what I did. It's not easy, child support would help a TON (there is an order, he's just ignoring it, it will be enforced eventually) and he is not happy at all abut the legal protections I've slowly put into place over the years, but it is what it is. We were married, btw. XH just wasn't interested in being an actual father to an actual child, you know with responsibilities like making sure said kid is clothed, housed, fed, safe and healthy. He just likes the idea and image of having a mini-me/heir/trophy.

I have a decent relationship with my child's paternal family, they visit every so often and we exchange emails and pictures. Just because XH skipped out, doesn't mean that they're at fault and my child should be cut off from that entire half of her background. I wanted to minimize the abandonment issues for my kid, make it clear that the problem was with XH alone, not with my child. Allowing her paternal family to continue their relationship with her helps with that.

I've had to answer questions from DC about why XH doesn't visit or see her anymore. I ask her questions to figure out what exactly she's missing about daddy and always reiterate that her father does love her but is unable to visit right now. No, I don't know why and I know that makes her feel sad. In the past, I would suggest drawing a picture or make something for him if she seemed to really miss him. We had a lot of talks about all the different sizes and shapes families can be and talking about extended family too.

I never, ever addressed it with XH. He's a grown man, he knows what he's missing. It is my responsibility to make sure he has ample (well-documented) opportunity to see and have a relationship with DC,[i] but I will not attempt to guilt him or manipulate him into that relationship. I cannot change XH and I will no longer waste my energy and emotions trying to change XH. My obligation is to my child and making the best of this crappy situation.

As far as what I do to keep XH informed, I send what I am required to send in the order: an email when we move and an email within 24 hours when there is emergency medical care needed for DC. I don't have a mailing address or phone number for him, just an email address. If he contacts me with questions, I reply (and include pictures), but I no longer volunteer information (esp bc that usually ends in him ranting and threatening legal action against me). At this point, it's been 10mo since I've heard from him, 2.5 years since we've seen him.

Really how important is this? My XH moved across the country and never responds to any of my emails pertaining to our DD. His parents visit a few times a year and I still exchange emails with my DD's aunts and uncles on her dad's side. I have given up because it is too difficult for me to schedule my DD's life, work, try and keep it FUN and write emails catering to this absentee father.

[Anonymous]

I suggest not sending the pictures. He will probably use them to portray himself as involved to others. If he wants pics, he can take his own.

[Anonymous]

Send the photos in an email. Print out the email with the date on it. You can always use that to show that even emails with photos of his own kid elicit zero response from him.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would stop trying with Dad, but keep up connections with his family if they seem interested. It might be nice for your child to have another set of loving grandparents. You never know what will happen in the future, but for now, I'd let it drop. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:13, I have a similar situation and have made similar choices, with the exception of formal legal action. I've consulted a few attorneys but my situation is unique and it was difficult to get specific advice. DC is 2 yo and I'm trying to decide how to proceed. Would you be comfortable chatting offline?

I didn't do much honestly. We still have joint legal, it's just that the state our order is in sets things up for parallel parenting rather than co-parenting. So I have to inform him, but I don't have to consult with him. There are no restrictions on travel or moving (there were initially), I don't even have to notify him if we take a trip out of state. For all practical purposes, I have sole legal during my time with DC and if he took time with DC, he would too.

I was told that it will be almost impossible to get sole legal or reduced visitation at this point, so I've just worked on putting notification requirements into the parenting plan (ie, summer/holiday visit has to be confirmed by X date or it doesn't happen, he pays for travel and I reimburse him 50%, all arrangements finalized 30 days in advance or no go, he does all travel and I do none, etc). Some of these, the judge ordered above and beyond what I was requesting since XH was such an ass in court. I did not go back to court just to get these requirements put in, we were there for another reason and I went ahead and asked for them in addition to the major modification.

And I don't remind him when he has visitation time coming up. If he contacts me, I absolutely make DC available...if the conditions in the custody order have been met. Polite, calm, "DC would be thrilled to see you! Let me know by X date what the plans are." and then I never hear any follow-up. I refuse to pay for or plan his visits (esp since he owes 5 figures in back child support). The ball is in his court, I take my cues from him at this point.

It's not a perfect solution, but it's working for now. I do have a lawyer sort of 'on call' and a savings account just in case he drags me back to court. In a few years, I'll probably file to modify the order again and go for sole legal (or step-parent adoption, since I'm remarried).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would stop trying with Dad, but keep up connections with his family if they seem interested. It might be nice for your child to have another set of loving grandparents. You never know what will happen in the future, but for now, I'd let it drop. Sorry.

The grandparents have ignored him. Refused to meet him.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is 13:13 again. Since everyone is ignoring your kid's existence, I might put aside some pictures, art, anecdotes, etc in a file instead. Don't contact them, but have a small stash of things that you can pull out just in case they do contact you.

Worst case scenario, they never do and you have a nice little memory box of DC's childhood. Best case scenario, they do contact you and you have some things you can share with them right away without having to scramble/worry.

I also have some information about my DC's paternal family typed out and set aside. Stuff like a family tree, some family history and stories, some pictures, etc. If she ever asks, I'll be able to answer some questions about that side of her family. If you know any of that, I'd make a small file for when your DC has questions. Treat it more like an adoption, kwim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 13:13 again. Since everyone is ignoring your kid's existence, I might put aside some pictures, art, anecdotes, etc in a file instead. Don't contact them, but have a small stash of things that you can pull out just in case they do contact you.

Worst case scenario, they never do and you have a nice little memory box of DC's childhood. Best case scenario, they do contact you and you have some things you can share with them right away without having to scramble/worry.

I also have some information about my DC's paternal family typed out and set aside. Stuff like a family tree, some family history and stories, some pictures, etc. If she ever asks, I'll be able to answer some questions about that side of her family. If you know any of that, I'd make a small file for when your DC has questions. Treat it more like an adoption, kwim?

ok. Thanks.