How hard should I try to keep dad involved?

[Anonymous]

We have a toddler he's for the most part ignored. I've stated litigation for support. Any pictures I send if there is a response it's about litigation. The birthdays have been ignored. I'm not sure what else to do.
I'm asking in the best interest of our kid. He's mentioned missing daddy but that could be because he sees other daddy's at daycare. Should I make sure dad knows about this? Let dad know I think he'll regret missing this part of our child life? Or just keep on keeping on?

[Anonymous]

Need more background to give an answer. Were you married to him, one night stand? Was he ever involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more background to give an answer. Were you married to him, one night stand? Was he ever involved?

never mind

[Anonymous]

You should continue to provide opportunities to him. Well-documented opportunities. Let the failure to have a relationship with his son be on him, not because you tried to stop it from happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more background to give an answer. Were you married to him, one night stand? Was he ever involved?

never mind

I ask because the strategy will vary depending upon the answer. If it was a one night stand, sending pictures is just going to be annoying. If you were married/in a relationship or if was ever involved before the pictures might remind him of why he once cared. Numerous other permutations.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

[Anonymous]

OP,

He's made clear that he is not interested. Perhaps you should go silent for a stretch and see if he comes around on his own? He might feel that your contact is pressure to be involved. Then if you hear nothing in a few months, reach out and be clear that you are happy to have him involved if that is what he wants one day. If that's true -- what if he wanted shared custody? Is he local or far away?

[Anonymous]

He's not interested. Sending pictures and updates obviously isn't making him interested. Stop wasting your time. You can't change this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

He's made clear that he is not interested. Perhaps you should go silent for a stretch and see if he comes around on his own? He might feel that your contact is pressure to be involved. Then if you hear nothing in a few months, reach out and be clear that you are happy to have him involved if that is what he wants one day. If that's true -- what if he wanted shared custody? Is he local or far away?

I've done this for a couple of years now. Can I give up or do I need to keep trying every couple of months? I thinkthe right thing to do is to continue offering but I also think the right thing to do is love and care for your children. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not interested. Sending pictures and updates obviously isn't making him interested. Stop wasting your time. You can't change this man.

Not trying to change him. Just looking for permission to quit.

[Anonymous]

How old is your son OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

PP here. Reading subsequent posts I think I misunderstood OP's question. I thought her question was for suggestions on how to motivate him to get involved rather than having done XYZ to this point does she need to continue making efforts. If so, then I agree the info I requested isn't really relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

This is what I did. It's not easy, child support would help a TON (there is an order, he's just ignoring it, it will be enforced eventually) and he is not happy at all abut the legal protections I've slowly put into place over the years, but it is what it is. We were married, btw. XH just wasn't interested in being an actual father to an actual child, you know with responsibilities like making sure said kid is clothed, housed, fed, safe and healthy. He just likes the idea and image of having a mini-me/heir/trophy.

I have a decent relationship with my child's paternal family, they visit every so often and we exchange emails and pictures. Just because XH skipped out, doesn't mean that they're at fault and my child should be cut off from that entire half of her background. I wanted to minimize the abandonment issues for my kid, make it clear that the problem was with XH alone, not with my child. Allowing her paternal family to continue their relationship with her helps with that.

I've had to answer questions from DC about why XH doesn't visit or see her anymore. I ask her questions to figure out what exactly she's missing about daddy and always reiterate that her father does love her but is unable to visit right now. No, I don't know why and I know that makes her feel sad. In the past, I would suggest drawing a picture or make something for him if she seemed to really miss him. We had a lot of talks about all the different sizes and shapes families can be and talking about extended family too.

I never, ever addressed it with XH. He's a grown man, he knows what he's missing. It is my responsibility to make sure he has ample (well-documented) opportunity to see and have a relationship with DC, but I will not attempt to guilt him or manipulate him into that relationship. I cannot change XH and I will no longer waste my energy and emotions trying to change XH. My obligation is to my child and making the best of this crappy situation.

As far as what I do to keep XH informed, I send what I am required to send in the order: an email when we move and an email within 24 hours when there is emergency medical care needed for DC. I don't have a mailing address or phone number for him, just an email address. If he contacts me with questions, I reply (and include pictures), but I no longer volunteer information (esp bc that usually ends in him ranting and threatening legal action against me). At this point, it's been 10mo since I've heard from him, 2.5 years since we've seen him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that more information would be needed for anyone to give an informed answer. That said, I don't think you should give that information, because the answers you get are likely to be hostile and insulting.

I think that if I had a child with someone who did not want to be part of that child's life, I would organize my life such that their involvement was not needed. I would try to find a job that paid enough that I would not need child support to provide the life I want for my child. I would try to establish a support system so that I did not feel overextended or overwhelmed by the experience of being a single parent. I would try to legally situate things so that the uninterested father had as few legal means as possible to walk in and out of our lives - so sole custody, legal and physical, visitation to be negotiated in writing, well in advance. I'd also try to establish what sort of relationship his family would prefer with the child.

As for the regrets a child might have about not having an engaged father in his life, there are many children who do not have active dads in their life. It's not the end of the world, especially if the father in question is not a stellar example of parenthood.

This is what I did. It's not easy, child support would help a TON (there is an order, he's just ignoring it, it will be enforced eventually) and he is not happy at all abut the legal protections I've slowly put into place over the years, but it is what it is. We were married, btw. XH just wasn't interested in being an actual father to an actual child, you know with responsibilities like making sure said kid is clothed, housed, fed, safe and healthy. He just likes the idea and image of having a mini-me/heir/trophy.

I have a decent relationship with my child's paternal family, they visit every so often and we exchange emails and pictures. Just because XH skipped out, doesn't mean that they're at fault and my child should be cut off from that entire half of her background. I wanted to minimize the abandonment issues for my kid, make it clear that the problem was with XH alone, not with my child. Allowing her paternal family to continue their relationship with her helps with that.

I've had to answer questions from DC about why XH doesn't visit or see her anymore. I ask her questions to figure out what exactly she's missing about daddy and always reiterate that her father does love her but is unable to visit right now. No, I don't know why and I know that makes her feel sad. In the past, I would suggest drawing a picture or make something for him if she seemed to really miss him. We had a lot of talks about all the different sizes and shapes families can be and talking about extended family too.

I never, ever addressed it with XH. He's a grown man, he knows what he's missing. It is my responsibility to make sure he has ample (well-documented) opportunity to see and have a relationship with DC, but I will not attempt to guilt him or manipulate him into that relationship. I cannot change XH and I will no longer waste my energy and emotions trying to change XH. My obligation is to my child and making the best of this crappy situation.

As far as what I do to keep XH informed, I send what I am required to send in the order: an email when we move and an email within 24 hours when there is emergency medical care needed for DC. I don't have a mailing address or phone number for him, just an email address. If he contacts me with questions, I reply (and include pictures), but I no longer volunteer information (esp bc that usually ends in him ranting and threatening legal action against me). At this point, it's been 10mo since I've heard from him, 2.5 years since we've seen him.

Thank you for sharing. The bolded part is what I would like to avoid. EXs family has never seen our child either. I will do what is legally requqired- at this point this is nothing.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to keep the relationship with the dad's family. I would send photos, etc once or twice a year to the dad and offer to have him visit. After that, the ball is in his court and he can do what he wants. But since you are getting radio silence from him about a relationship with his child, you don't need to do anymore. Actions speak louder than words.