Having enough energy for a good marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all of those comments who tell you your DH is being selfish for wanting more sex/intimacy. It is irrelevant whether 3 times per week is more or less than average. He isn't happy and your marriage is taking a hit.

My best suggestion is to cut down on the number of times per week you are having intercourse and make one of those times for an enthusiastic BJ. Do it out of a sense of love to him, not obligation. It will be quicker than sex and having less intercourse will hopefully leave you more charged up for the times it happens which will make the quality of those sessions better.

If you have extra money from your job, hire a sitter, housekeeper, etc. Or cut back to one job. If you have money, let money solve the easily solveable problems.

Good luck!

I completely agree and I bet my DH would say the exact same thing. We have sex about once a week, but it is quite the production, worthy of the big screen. Always the next day he mentions how hard he gets just thinking of the night before. Sometimes I even let him bring out the video camera.

I can tell you, he would be so miserable if he got 3xs a week pity sex. I think he get off getting me off. Seeing my reaction is 80% of it for him....I sometimes have to tone it down, less we end prematurely....I can feel his excitement as mine starts to rise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds really pushy. Why does he get upset if you go to bed when you want to? That's a little controlling.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why doesnt He cut back on his hours? Why is it that women always have to change? They both need to work on the marriage.

If shes tired, she needs to rest. A little nap might put her in the mood...

[Anonymous]

After several years of being responsible and respectable citizens we rekindled our youth with weed and alcohol -helped me and my wife stop fighting and just get back to passing out naked next to each other like when we first met.

[Anonymous]

OP here. All very helpful. A few responses -

why doesn't he cut back instead of me (on hours at work). He makes 5 times my salary.

we do have different sleep needs. He's ok on 6-7 hours a night, I am definitely not.

we do have a lot of help - a full-time (not live-in) nanny who keeps things pretty neat, an every other week housekeeper. I'm not exhausted from doing laundry or scrubbing toilets. I'm exhausted because my job is incredibly high-level and high-pressure, and I also run the household as do 90% of all wives (organizing and keeping track of things). We split child care 50/50 during certain times of the year but at others it's 90% me -- see note above on his salary and how it compares to mine.

[Anonymous]

Working full-time and caring for three children and oh yeah, satisfying a demanding and high-maintenance hubby can make ANY Female tired.

I don't understand what exactly your husband wants from you. Does he expect you to be "Superwoman?" Meaning ------> "Super-Wife/Mother" all rolled into one??!

He should love you as you are. Sure, things are going to change in a marriage, most especially as children enter the picture. And that is to be expected. All marriages go through changes and evolve. Just like life. Your husband needs to accept & understand this OP. Instead it seems to me like he wants everything to go back to the "way it once was."

Well I have news for him. Surprise, surprise: It never will. Like never.

Times change. And so do people.
He either accepts that or not.

You should not have to quit your job and give up your career just because your husband thinks you do not have enough energy for him anymore. That is completely selfish of him and unfair of him to ask of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After several years of being responsible and respectable citizens we rekindled our youth with weed and alcohol -helped me and my wife stop fighting and just get back to passing out naked next to each other like when we first met.

LOL! I'm laying in bed naked right noe with a dull headache. Had a few beers, screwed like I was 25, and yes...passed out naked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If you are exhausted and he is not, then there is an imbalance in your workloads. He needs to take on more AND you should consider hiring out some of it."

Woman here. To be fair to the DH, they could just have different energy levels or sleep needs.

OP, your experience is common and understandable. Would you be able to off ramp to some projects now, and then ramp up later if you wanted? Though with 3 kids, one only 3, you may not have much time for yourself if you do quit your job, unless you keep some childcare.

Yes they could have different energy levels and sleep needs, but it still means there is an imbalance if one partner is exhausted and one isn't. The one that is't need to take on more tasks from the one that is. It isn't about making sure each person does exactly the same amount if that means that one partner isn't healthy with the workload. It means the energetic partner pick up the slack so his/her partner can to stay healthy. Marriage is a give and take and each couple has to find the right balance for them. In a few years, things may change and the other partner is the one who takes on more. It is an ebb and flow.

[Anonymous]

I think both the PPs are being unfair to the DH (and I'm a DW). There's nothing wrong with him saying that he misses their earlier relationship - most of us do marry for companionship, after all, and it sounds like OP misses it too. Plus, it sounds like the issue is his travel, not his willingness to help out. Sure, one solution would be for him to quit his job, but given their salary difference that doesn't seem to make much sense right now. That is why I suggested that she do a bit of consulting now - perhaps in some time, she can ramp back up if she misses her career, and he can quit or down ramp.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Working full-time and caring for three children and oh yeah, satisfying a demanding and high-maintenance hubby can make ANY Female tired.

I don't understand what exactly your husband wants from you. Does he expect you to be "Superwoman?" Meaning ------> "Super-Wife/Mother" all rolled into one??!

He should love you as you are. Sure, things are going to change in a marriage, most especially as children enter the picture. And that is to be expected. All marriages go through changes and evolve. Just like life. Your husband needs to accept & understand this OP. Instead it seems to me like he wants everything to go back to the "way it once was."

Well I have news for him. Surprise, surprise: It never will. Like never.

Times change. And so do people.
He either accepts that or not.

You should not have to quit your job and give up your career just because your husband thinks you do not have enough energy for him anymore. That is completely selfish of him and unfair of him to ask of you.[/quote]

I agree with this. Sounds like we are in the minority here though.