Having enough energy for a good marriage

[Anonymous]

DH and I had a very passionate and wonderful relationship and early marriage. But then came the kids…

His child, who he used to have 40% of the time, we now have all the time (child is 10). We have a 5 year old and almost 3 year old, too.

We both work very high-pressure, stressful jobs (though they're relatively cyclical). He travels a lot so I am almost always the one who has to make it home in time to relieve the nanny around 6. We do have an amazing nanny who does so much; she truly keeps our lives working!

I know DH misses sex (we have it twice or three times a week, and to be honest I'm usually kind of a reluctant participant) and wishes I were more carefree and "fun" like I used to be, I guess.

But I am exhausted. And I don't know how to solve that. I do get to sleep in until 7 most mornings. I feel like I could go to bed at 9:30 or 10, but I usually stay up late because he gets frustrated with me if I'm in bed really early. And yes, I have had my thyroid checked and I'm on medication (the right level).

I'm definitely considering quitting my job or just taking a few projects on -- we don't need the money my job provides -- partly because I feel like I'll have more energy to be a better spouse.

I would love to hear if anyone has gone through something similar and what you did to sort of reignite yourself. Unless what you did was develop a drug addiction to give yourself more energy.

[Anonymous]

Sex 2-3 times a week? That sounds pretty good to me. We are at 3-4 times a week and I feel like a horny teenager

Lower your expectations. Enjoy each other. Go out on a date 2xs a month. Hold hands. Kiss. Send silly texts. Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

[Anonymous]

You would quite your job to provide more sex to your husband?!? Lady, sex 2-3 times is great for a married couple. Just spice it up every now and then. Sexy lingerie, get drunk together, toys, watch x rated videos, visit a strip club, take pole dancing classes and show him your new moves.

[Anonymous]

OP here. How am I supposed to convince him 2-3 times a week is "good enough"? And perhaps more importantly, if *he* still doesn't think it is, then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would quite your job to provide more sex to your husband?!? Lady, sex 2-3 times is great for a married couple. Just spice it up every now and then. Sexy lingerie, get drunk together, toys, watch x rated videos, visit a strip club, take pole dancing classes and show him your new moves.

Well, not just that. But I do think that quitting my job would mean I'd have more energy and patience for my kids AND my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How am I supposed to convince him 2-3 times a week is "good enough"? And perhaps more importantly, if *he* still doesn't think it is, then what?

You talk to him. Explain to him that that is all you have time and energy for. Tell him you want it more and are more into it if it's less routine and every day. You have to yearn for it.

[Anonymous]

ow am I supposed to convince him 2-3 times a week is "good enough"?

have him read all the threads on sexless marriages on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

When DH wants me to stay up to watch tv with him, I lay down on the couch with either my head or feet in his lap and "rest" while we're there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I had a very passionate and wonderful relationship and early marriage. But then came the kids…

His child, who he used to have 40% of the time, we now have all the time (child is 10). We have a 5 year old and almost 3 year old, too.

We both work very high-pressure, stressful jobs (though they're relatively cyclical). He travels a lot so I am almost always the one who has to make it home in time to relieve the nanny around 6. We do have an amazing nanny who does so much; she truly keeps our lives working!

I know DH misses sex (we have it twice or three times a week, and to be honest I'm usually kind of a reluctant participant) and wishes I were more carefree and "fun" like I used to be, I guess.

But I am exhausted. And I don't know how to solve that. I do get to sleep in until 7 most mornings. I feel like I could go to bed at 9:30 or 10, but I usually stay up late because he gets frustrated with me if I'm in bed really early. And yes, I have had my thyroid checked and I'm on medication (the right level).

I'm definitely considering quitting my job or just taking a few projects on -- we don't need the money my job provides -- partly because I feel like I'll have more energy to be a better spouse.

I would love to hear if anyone has gone through something similar and what you did to sort of reignite yourself. Unless what you did was develop a drug addiction to give yourself more energy.

If you are exhausted and he is not, then there is an imbalance in your workloads. He needs to take on more AND you should consider hiring out some of it. Go to bed when you want/need it. Talk to him about his frustration about you going to bed "early", he needs to get over it. 2-3 times a week is on the high average. Since your life has many different complications, perhaps going to a marriage counselor to help you work through them and help you develop a good communication system would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, he sounds really pushy. Why does he get upset if you go to bed when you want to? That's a little controlling.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so exhausted? What are you doing? What have you outsourced? I don't think 10:00 is early to go to bed. Maybe you could initiate sex at 9:00 or 9:30 and just go to bed afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would quite your job to provide more sex to your husband?!? Lady, sex 2-3 times is great for a married couple. Just spice it up every now and then. Sexy lingerie, get drunk together, toys, watch x rated videos, visit a strip club, take pole dancing classes and show him your new moves.

Well, not just that. But I do think that quitting my job would mean I'd have more energy and patience for my kids AND my marriage.

When you quit your job and the energy for kids and more sex didn't materialize - or god forbid; aging, familiarity, and irritation with the kids led to *less* sex, he'd be more angry about the bait and switch -- figuring he was a chump you were using for a meal ticket; that you duped him into agreeing with false promises of more sex.

[Anonymous]

2-3 x a week is a LOT.

I think he needs to adjust his expectations, or do way more around the house to give you a break.

[Anonymous]

"If you are exhausted and he is not, then there is an imbalance in your workloads. He needs to take on more AND you should consider hiring out some of it."

Woman here. To be fair to the DH, they could just have different energy levels or sleep needs.

OP, your experience is common and understandable. Would you be able to off ramp to some projects now, and then ramp up later if you wanted? Though with 3 kids, one only 3, you may not have much time for yourself if you do quit your job, unless you keep some childcare.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore all of those comments who tell you your DH is being selfish for wanting more sex/intimacy. It is irrelevant whether 3 times per week is more or less than average. He isn't happy and your marriage is taking a hit.

My best suggestion is to cut down on the number of times per week you are having intercourse and make one of those times for an enthusiastic BJ. Do it out of a sense of love to him, not obligation. It will be quicker than sex and having less intercourse will hopefully leave you more charged up for the times it happens which will make the quality of those sessions better.

If you have extra money from your job, hire a sitter, housekeeper, etc. Or cut back to one job. If you have money, let money solve the easily solveable problems.

Good luck!