Inappropriate? Boundary issue? Staying friends with my brother's ex.

[Anonymous]

I am not really sure why you think he is trying to control your life when YOU asked him for his opinion and he gave you his answer.

I am not really even sure why you asked him. If you weren't going to talk about him and you don't care about what he thinks about it, then why ask him?

[Anonymous]

Well you already made dinner plans with the woman, so you can't really back out now without making it obvious your brother was uncomfortable with it, so go ahead and have the dinner but I wouldn't make it a regular thing or adopt her as your BFF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure why you think he is trying to control your life when YOU asked him for his opinion and he gave you his answer.

I am not really even sure why you asked him. If you weren't going to talk about him and you don't care about what he thinks about it, then why ask him?

I asked here if it was appropriate. I wondered what people in healthy families do. Because, in case it hasn't been made clear, we don't have a healthy family dynamic.

And of course I care if it bothers him. He's my brother.

[Anonymous]

I think these kinds of relationships are tough to manage and maintain OP, especially when the breakup was recent, or painful (as it certainly seems like it might be given her illness).

I'd just recommend proceeding carefully, and maybe with a few boundaries in place right up front so the ex doesn't think she can complain about your brother to you, so your brother knows you're not supporting or engaging in badmouthing of him, etc... Maybe keep that rule about "would I be comfortable with what I just said being on the front page of the local newspaper tomorrow" in mind to help maintain some level of neutrality. That's a trick (or versions of that) that I use to police myself when I feel like I'm in dangerous waters of some kind.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. There doesn't seem to be some clear cut appropriate way to go about this, I guess.

He broke up with her when she received the devastating health diagnosis.

He and I have never been close. But I feel an ethical obligation or sense of family loyalty I guess, that I don't want to be a jerk to my own flesh and blood.

However, I also feel like he shouldn't have that type of control over "my" life.

I'd never discuss him with his ex. Both for ethical reasons and because I was never close to him. I don't really know a lot of detail about him. And I could be wrong, but I don't think she'd even ask about him.

NP: I was already in the camp of "Go ahead and go to dinner" before reading all the responses, but now that I've read other posts and this one from you, 100% absolutely go to dinner and maintain a relationship with her if you want to. He broke up with her when she was diagnosed, which while being honest and somewhat understandable is still so shitty to do. And you're not close to him. AND you still asked him for his ok, and he gave it (even if it wasn't totally genuine). As long as you don't bring her up to him and you're not talking to her about him, I don't see any harm at all.

And in my heart I think no matter what the situation, if your intentions are good and you are trying to help, it is rarely "wrong" to be friendly and supportive to someone who is really dealing with a difficult situation. A serious illness is a serious situation and I think lending an ear and some company for dinner is a small thing to do (but a good thing to do!) in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Be loyal to your family. You can have dinner with a million other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be loyal to your family. You can have dinner with a million other people.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure why you think he is trying to control your life when YOU asked him for his opinion and he gave you his answer.

I am not really even sure why you asked him. If you weren't going to talk about him and you don't care about what he thinks about it, then why ask him?

I asked here if it was appropriate. I wondered what people in healthy families do. Because, in case it hasn't been made clear, we don't have a healthy family dynamic.

And of course I care if it bothers him. He's my brother.

So you could tell it bothered him. There's your answer. You don't go.

[Anonymous]

It depends on why they broke up. If they were just good people who were wrong for each other, then keep the relationship and be kind. Your brother will get used to it once he realizes that you and the ex don't talk about the relationship (don't talk about it).

If they broke up because the ex did something truly horrible, then blood is thicker than water.

I am assuming the former:
She is ill and reached out. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on why they broke up. If they were just good people who were wrong for each other, then keep the relationship and be kind. Your brother will get used to it once he realizes that you and the ex don't talk about the relationship (don't talk about it).

If they broke up because the ex did something truly horrible, then blood is thicker than water.

I am assuming the former:
She is ill and reached out. Be kind.

OK, I read more carefully.

OP: your brother, who you are not close to, doesn't want you to be friends with her because he did something kinda yucky and doesn't want to be reminded of it. This is about him and his comfort. It is not about loyalty or anything like that.

Be kind as you would be to other people you know. Don't abandon her in her time of need just because your brother (with whom you are not close, I remind you) acted like a schmuck.

[Anonymous]

I regularly see my Dad's ex-girlfriend (they lived together for ten years when I was a kid) and just never mention it to my father. She and I had a great relationship when I was a child and she was a great influence on me. She is a wonderful, funny, loving and supportive woman in my life and I feel no obligation to deny myself her company simply because she and my father broke up years ago and he is still somewhat bitter about it.

BTW She never asks anything about my father and anytime he comes up in conversation, she has warm and kind words to say about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. There doesn't seem to be some clear cut appropriate way to go about this, I guess.

He broke up with her when she received the devastating health diagnosis.

He and I have never been close. But I feel an ethical obligation or sense of family loyalty I guess, that I don't want to be a jerk to my own flesh and blood.

However, I also feel like he shouldn't have that type of control over "my" life.

I'd never discuss him with his ex. Both for ethical reasons and because I was never close to him. I don't really know a lot of detail about him. And I could be wrong, but I don't think she'd even ask about him.

He doesn't have that type of control over your life -- you do. You clearly feel it is not the right thing to do to your brother, so stop yourself from doing it. Treat your brother the way you think family should treat each other. It's clear you have your own opinions formed already -- that being in contact with his ex is not the way people in a family should behave.

Being on your family's side is really important IMO. More important than keeping up with your brother's ex.

[Anonymous]

Wait-- are you saying your brother broke up with her BECAUSE she got sick?

If that's the case, why do you care what that asshole thinks?

[Anonymous]

You're all adults, FCOL. If you want to stay in touch with a woman you consider a friend (who's SICK nonetheless) then go ahead. I'm FB friends with my XMIL, we comment on each others pictures and everything