Inappropriate? Boundary issue? Staying friends with my brother's ex.

[Anonymous]

My brother dated a woman for 10 years and broke up with her fall. We've recently been in touch due to her going through a severe illness. So I sent a card. She wants to have dinner sometime. I told my brother, and he said fine, but I could tell it wasn't a real "fine."

Would you have dinner with her? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother dated a woman for 10 years and broke up with her fall. We've recently been in touch due to her going through a severe illness. So I sent a card. She wants to have dinner sometime. I told my brother, and he said fine, but I could tell it wasn't a real "fine."

Would you have dinner with her? Why or why not?

Last fall.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this with my uncle's ex fiancée. It was awkward at my wedding when they were both there, along with my uncle's wife of 20 years.

[Anonymous]

If you really want to why not?

[Anonymous]

I did this. We had undercover weekly dinners for 6 months before he found out. Now that they're both with other people, he doesn't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

It seems to bother your brother. If I cared about my brother, I wouldn't do it on a regular basis and become BFF with her. But after ten years, you probably developed your own relationship with her, and I think a "checking in" dinner is probably ok. Be prepared for questions about your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to bother your brother. If I cared about my brother, I wouldn't do it on a regular basis and become BFF with her. But after ten years, you probably developed your own relationship with her, and I think a "checking in" dinner is probably ok. Be prepared for questions about your brother.

Yes to this. I think it's ok to sort of keep in touch, but I'd let it gradually taper off and not initiate a ton. Also, respect your brother's privacy and don't share details about his life post-break up that he wouldn't share himself.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her brother doesn't care (he's still friendly with her too). However, because of her friendship with ex, she's never really warmed up to his current girlfriend (of 4 years!) who he is planning to propose to soon. I feel bad for current girlfriend because she really wants my friend to like her since she and her brother (her bf) are incredibly close.

[Anonymous]

Christ, it's just dinner. The poor woman is ill. Don't over think it.

[Anonymous]

If he's okay with it, go for it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't out of respect for your brother. Clearly he wasn't ok with it 100% and guys aren't great expressing their feelings. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. If you always had a good relationship, don't let the breakup affect it. It's your life, not your brother's, and you don't owe him anything in that regard.

[Anonymous]

In most break ups you can't stay neutrally involved with both parties. You end up having to support one side more than the other. If you choose to side with your brother's ex that is kind of a slap in the face to your brother. If you don't have a good relationship with your brother , then there is little to lose.

Some of it depends on how the breakup went down - did the ex dump your brother? did she cheat on him? was he really devastated and hurt by the break up? Did he confide in you at all about the breakup or since the break-up?

If any of those things happened, I wouldn't see her. It is a bit of a betrayal. He doesn't know what you will tell the ex about him or what the ex will ask. He may not want his ex knowing about his life now. Seeing as your brohter is the connecting link between the two of you, he is going to come up as a topic. The ex may be wanting to meet to get info about your brother, who knows.

I would be pretty uncomfortable if I found out my brother was having dinner with my ex. Definitely would not confide in him anymore or see him as being there for me.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the replies. There doesn't seem to be some clear cut appropriate way to go about this, I guess.

He broke up with her when she received the devastating health diagnosis.

He and I have never been close. But I feel an ethical obligation or sense of family loyalty I guess, that I don't want to be a jerk to my own flesh and blood.

However, I also feel like he shouldn't have that type of control over "my" life.

I'd never discuss him with his ex. Both for ethical reasons and because I was never close to him. I don't really know a lot of detail about him. And I could be wrong, but I don't think she'd even ask about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. There doesn't seem to be some clear cut appropriate way to go about this, I guess.

He broke up with her when she received the devastating health diagnosis.

He and I have never been close. But I feel an ethical obligation or sense of family loyalty I guess, that I don't want to be a jerk to my own flesh and blood.

However, I also feel like he shouldn't have that type of control over "my" life.

I'd never discuss him with his ex. Both for ethical reasons and because I was never close to him. I don't really know a lot of detail about him. And I could be wrong, but I don't think she'd even ask about him.

I think it's fine to maintain a relationship with the ex if she didn't cheat on your brother or abuse him or anything like that. If you like her, be friends with her. Your brother had a chance to register any objections, and he chose not to. He doesn't need to be thrilled with your choice. Just don't talk about your brother with the ex, and don't tell your brother the details of your relationship with her.