My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"She and I" went to the museum ... good luck dealing with her, though, you will just have to set limits and pick your spots...

Since you were so kind to help out the OP, I'll assist you in your quest for perfection on the internet.

"She and I" went to the museum. Good luck dealing with her, though. You will just have to set limits and pick your spots.


Additionally, your first phrase was not a sentence- you need to add a verb for that.

[Anonymous]

The big problem is that whenever I say anything negative about the women, I get completely shut down. Apparently, before retiring, she had a long career in working with the homeless in DC, and before that worked abroad in the Middle East as a nurse and public health worker, which is what my husband always remarks on. If I talk to anyone who knows her (mostly my husband's friends who he grew up with) they are completely taken aback, and call her a saint because of what she dedicated her life to. Suddenly I am the bad person for disliking this women, who yes did a lot of good for a job, for being a complete jackass.

MY MIL used to play the "saint and martyr card" all the time. It is infuriating. After some time, I let her and her son and the kids visit together. Then one of the kids had a serious accident, and she was pretty mean to the kids. Then we progressed to "how about some special time with just you and DH?" That worked better. BTW at age 75, she had these furious rages, and later developed dementia. (the mean kind) So just do your best.

[Anonymous]

^^ Don't spend time waiting for her to die. Mine made it to 86. It was about 20 years of increasing rage attacks.

[Anonymous]

Has she always been this way, or has she gotten meaner as she's aged? If the latter, it could be a sign that something's up medically.

Either way, though, you can a break. Let DH initiate visits, make the phone calls, do the visits while you do something else for yourself. Take a couple steps back and see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She and I" went to the museum ... good luck dealing with her, though, you will just have to set limits and pick your spots...

Since you were so kind to help out the OP, I'll assist you in your quest for perfection on the internet.

"She and I" went to the museum. Good luck dealing with her, though. You will just have to set limits and pick your spots.


Additionally, your first phrase was not a sentence- you need to add a verb for that.

NP here. "Me and her" jumped out at me from OP's post, too. The error is glaring. PP used some ellipses in a loose online format, so what? You're too critical.

[Anonymous]

The way you titled your post and started out, I thought you were saying that your husband wanted her to move in with your family, but since all he wants is for his mother to continue having grandma time, I don't think you have much of a case here.

Your kids will notice that grandma is rude and condensing and they won't emulate it so long as you and your husband set a different example.

You may feel less overwhelmed by your interactions with MIL if you allow yourself to be honest. When she was loudly calling those kids fat, you could have gasped in horror and said "MIL, that's so rude. Why would you say that?" You probably would have felt better after letting that out. I think that you're getting disproportionately upset about her faults because you're not allowing yourself to respond and be honest. You don't have to hold it in and bite your tongue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you titled your post and started out, I thought you were saying that your husband wanted her to move in with your family, but since all he wants is for his mother to continue having grandma time, I don't think you have much of a case here.

Your kids will notice that grandma is rude and condensing and they won't emulate it so long as you and your husband set a different example.

You may feel less overwhelmed by your interactions with MIL if you allow yourself to be honest. When she was loudly calling those kids fat, you could have gasped in horror and said "MIL, that's so rude. Why would you say that?" You probably would have felt better after letting that out. I think that you're getting disproportionately upset about her faults because you're not allowing yourself to respond and be honest. You don't have to hold it in and bite your tongue.

Agree with this. I do find it interesting that DH and friends have such a different view of her. I do wonder if she is possibly is suffering from some kind of dementia. Try to find a time to calmly discuss this with your husband. Be ready to give specific examples of the behavior that bothers you. Try to find out if
a) She's never done that kind of thing before
b) He doesn't think it's as big a deal as you do

[Anonymous]

She may have early stage dementia, OP. That odd type of behavior sounds familiar to me. My father had dementia for many years, and his behavior became odder and odder. He was a nice, thoughtful person before that, but the illness robbed him of the ability to filter out his thoughts, so he said any odd thing that came into his head.

I think your DH wants to remember the mother he grew up with, and wants his kids to have a relationship with their grandmother. He needs to notice when she's saying weird things and tell her to stop. You may be able to do that if you ask her nicely, but if she's got early-stage dementia, she won't remember.

Is she on any medication? That can make older folks loopy too. What's her diet like? Undetected food intolerances can also change behavior.

I'd look for an undiagnosed physical issue before throwing in the towel completely on your DH's mom and your kids' grandmother.

[Anonymous]

She is always going to be part of your family, but it is your responsibility to teach your children that the way she behaves is unacceptable. I would also call her out on it promptly, especially if they are within earshot. You'd, presumably, do the same for someone who was making racist or other unacceptable comments in front of your kids.

I'd promptly say, "Phyllis! What an awful thing to say! Please stop saying unkind things like that - you are setting a bad example to the children. If you continue to talk like that, the children and I will leave." And then if she scoffs at you, leave immediately.

Afterward, I would always talk with the children about this. "Grandma says some really mean things sometimes, and I just want you to know that she is behaving very rudely. We do not say unkind things about strangers, and I appreciate how hard you work to be kind. Grandma is a grownup, and some grownups can be mean sometimes, but we will not follow her example."

I have a similar issue with my FIL. He is one of those people who is just verbally abusive every once in a while, to his ex and his kids, and they are all so used to it that they don't even notice it. And the thing is, he's actually quite lovely with my son - loving and affectionate and attentive. But he'll just randomly say something like, "What's the idiot over there doing?" referring to my DH. MIL, DH, SIL, none of them ever will speak up to him. So I do. I just say, "Joe, you can't talk that way in front of my son about his father. It's abusive. If you say something like that again, I'll ask you to leave." And he shuts up.

(For a few weeks, anyway.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Address the comments she makes that are truly unacceptable. Don't address your negative feelings about her, how much you despise her, how awful she is generally, and how much you want her out of your lives. Take it as a given that this woman is going to be a part of your family forever. Because she is. You are not going to get an ally in her son about how much you dislike her.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

One woman, two women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Don't spend time waiting for her to die. Mine made it to 86. It was about 20 years of increasing rage attacks.

Lol
Mine is in her early 50s (she had DH very young) and women in their family live well into 90s. I am sure she'll criticize me for something at my own funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may have early stage dementia, OP. That odd type of behavior sounds familiar to me. My father had dementia for many years, and his behavior became odder and odder. He was a nice, thoughtful person before that, but the illness robbed him of the ability to filter out his thoughts, so he said any odd thing that came into his head.

I think your DH wants to remember the mother he grew up with, and wants his kids to have a relationship with their grandmother. He needs to notice when she's saying weird things and tell her to stop. You may be able to do that if you ask her nicely, but if she's got early-stage dementia, she won't remember.

Is she on any medication? That can make older folks loopy too. What's her diet like? Undetected food intolerances can also change behavior.

I'd look for an undiagnosed physical issue before throwing in the towel completely on your DH's mom and your kids' grandmother.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Don't spend time waiting for her to die. Mine made it to 86. It was about 20 years of increasing rage attacks.

Lol
Mine is in her early 50s (she had DH very young) and women in their family live well into 90s. I am sure she'll criticize me for something at my own funeral.

Your MIL is my age. LOL. You must have been child brides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Don't spend time waiting for her to die. Mine made it to 86. It was about 20 years of increasing rage attacks.

Lol
Mine is in her early 50s (she had DH very young) and women in their family live well into 90s. I am sure she'll criticize me for something at my own funeral.

Your MIL is my age. LOL. You must have been child brides.

I was 30 fwiw