Encourage ex to independently visit DD?

[Anonymous]

I've encouraged her presence in her life because it will matter to her. Kids want to know where they come from. Her relationship with him will eventually be separate from anything involving me and if he continues along this path, DD will reach her own conclusions. My job is to help her get there. And yes, if I can find a man that will serve as an actual father, that will be lovely. She'd still want to know about her real dad.

Re: CS, of course it's douchey that he doesn't pay. It's an unfortunate path he's choosing. DD's future will not be affected by that. His presence (or lack thereof) is a different issue. But I'm open to any arguement that filing would improve our situation.

[Anonymous]

*his presence

[Anonymous]

You're doing great in a sucky situation. I've had to spend time with my ex during visitation too and I hate it. I try to make it at home so I can disappear and get some things done around the house - cleaning, laundry, etc. Just because you're there doesn't mean you have to be THERE. Step back; that might help the two of them bond more as well as annoy you less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 yo DC is a happy, thriving toddler. My relationship with her dad ended right before we realized that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant. I wanted the baby. He was ambivalent. We agreed that I would parent, as I was emotionally and financially prepared, and that he would fulfill his role the best he could. So far he's maintained a consistent (if infrequent) visitation schedule, about 1-2 visits/mo, and gradually increased his contributions to school costs (529). I'd prefer him to see her more. I'm not interested in making money the issue.

To my topic: I'd like him to start spending time with her alone. He resists this, saying that it will be stressful for all. I've been OK with group visits so far…when DC was a baby that made sense. Now, she knows him, albeit not as well as I'd like, and is more verbal. Independent time together will strengthen their relationship. It will help him learn to parent. It is also his responsibility.

Admittedly, my other motivation for this is that I don't want to be around him anymore. Our relationship is cordial but superficial. He has ignored my attempts to reach out to him on a platonic level, which I've done since her birth. He is passive aggressive and uninterested in building a friendship separate from DC. I think we would be better parents if we were also friends but he may not want that, and I must respect that decision. I don't, then, want to set aside my free time to supervise him with DC.

I want DC to be safe and comfortable. I also don't want to kick this hornet's nest as we've stayed out of court so far. Advice is appreciated. Thanks.

WHY are you pushing him into something he doesn't want? You should realize that he may want nothing more to do with the child. You wanted her, so you deal with her.

Ideally, a child should have two loving parents that live together. Even if they live apart, if both wanted the child, that's a great situation. Sounds like it was one sided and you are trying to make him into a dad when he didn't really want to be. A recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

2 was about the age when my daughter's father started spending time with her alone. I believe I started off with leaving the two of them at my home while I did other things. Or sending them outside to play while I cooked or cleaned. He was TERRIBLE at it at first. She would wander away from him and come into the room while I was busy. He was SUPPOSED to be watching her!

I always provide snacks, diapers and drinks, although it's annoying and he probably should buy them himself.

They graduated to parks and are now going to restaurants and spending the day together. I say ease into it. If he won't even let you leave for a bit for an errand or the gym or something, then he's more of a jackass then I personally know how to deal with. And I have a major jackass on my hands myself.

[Anonymous]

He didn't really want to be a dad and said he would do the best he could. Sounds like this is the best he can do. Is it ideal? No but it's what you agreed to and it's your reality. You're never going to have a friendly coparenting relationship where he takes your daughter 2 weekends a month and they have a tight daddy daughter bond. It sounds like he was up front that that wasn't going to be the case but wishful thinking has got you convinced it should be and can be. It probably won't. You need to get child support from him and let go of the fantasy dad you want him to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 yo DC is a happy, thriving toddler. My relationship with her dad ended right before we realized that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant. I wanted the baby. He was ambivalent. We agreed that I would parent, as I was emotionally and financially prepared, and that he would fulfill his role the best he could. So far he's maintained a consistent (if infrequent) visitation schedule, about 1-2 visits/mo, and gradually increased his contributions to school costs (529). I'd prefer him to see her more. I'm not interested in making money the issue.

To my topic: I'd like him to start spending time with her alone. He resists this, saying that it will be stressful for all. I've been OK with group visits so far…when DC was a baby that made sense. Now, she knows him, albeit not as well as I'd like, and is more verbal. Independent time together will strengthen their relationship. It will help him learn to parent. It is also his responsibility.

Admittedly, my other motivation for this is that I don't want to be around him anymore. Our relationship is cordial but superficial. He has ignored my attempts to reach out to him on a platonic level, which I've done since her birth. He is passive aggressive and uninterested in building a friendship separate from DC. I think we would be better parents if we were also friends but he may not want that, and I must respect that decision. I don't, then, want to set aside my free time to supervise him with DC.

I want DC to be safe and comfortable. I also don't want to kick this hornet's nest as we've stayed out of court so far. Advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I'm a bit of an exception because I"ve been hands on with my daughters since literally the minute they were born. I'd take them out as infants to softball games and the like, change them at home plate, hold them during the games, play the game when they were napping, etc. But I think in general most fathers need some time to get used to the idea of being with a small child on their own, especially if they don't have any experience with it. I could see how this lack of confidence might be construed as ambivalence -- I really don't think it is. And two-year-olds are hard, especially if you don't know their routines and temperaments and what soothes them when they melt down, all of which is kind of ingrained in whoever the primary caregiver is, since she or he has already learned through trial and error.

So, I would recommend you start small. Assuming you're friendly, invite him over, and spend the hour together, the three of you. Then suggest maybe he take her to a local park. Take them there and drop off, for maybe an hour. Next time maybe suggest a specific outing -- to get ice cream, maybe. Or a walk in a stroller. Then, after a month or so of these, see if he'll be willing to hang out with her at home for a morning, or an afternoon. Let them do whatever they want to do -- color, build blocks, even watch TV. Whatever builds his comfort level. Make it a little longer each time. Eventually, he'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Ugh sounds like you dodged a bullet ditching this dickwad! Nevertheless, I think you need to take a longer range view here. I think it is possible that over time he will become more interested and confident in her, as long as you continue to lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship. For your own sanity, planning activities outside of the house sounds good. Or how about even pairing them with errands, so at least you get something done while he "babysits" her in the shopping cart? I don't know that I would push him to spend time alone - 2 is still pretty little if he does a crap job.

Another thought- what about his parents or maybe sister or brother? Maybe there are some relatives who would be more interested and capable to either take her alone or supervise her with her dad?

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks all. I've tried to start small...trips up the street to the playground, an hour alone at my place, etc. He's never initiated it himself so it's fatiguing for me; it's also uncomfortable when he hasn't seen her for > 1 month to send them out the door alone together. He's not untrustworthy but has a signif lack of experience, which is why I'd like him to gain more. Re" "pushing him into it", I'm not, PP. If this is all he can offer, that's his choice, but I don't have to accept sh*tty behavior from him at the same time. I signed on to be her full-time parent, not his punching bag. If he visited every 5 week and was a nice guy, I could handle it. Visit every 5 weeks and be a jerk? Nope. Either he shapes up in his treatment towards me or takes her alone and does some real parenting. Seems fair to me.

Will try some suggestions from the btdt posters...thanks to the dad who weighed in.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update...I had a long talk with my therapist about my expectations of my ex, and I was finally able to admit my own disappointment about where he and I are. I didn't need him to take her for weekends, or financially support us, but I realize now that I envisioned us as friends and that he would bond with DD like I did. I've had to let those expectations go, and it feels painful.

Still, in acknowledging that this is where we are, I was able to contact him regarding future plans, and lay out some expectations. I'll no longer be planning every outing. I'll support any reasonable plans with her he'd like to make (and facilitate those plans with equipment like stroller, etc.), and even accompany them to playground (for example) to make sure everyone's settled, but then I'll be on my way. I left the ball in his court and told myself that if he never stepped up, I'd have to accept it. And to my relief, he did.

He plans on taking her to a local playground this month, and when I asked if he'd like to spend some time with her on Father's day, he said yes. This feels like good news.

I realize that the happy friendship I wish I could have with him may never come, and that if that's his choice, I need to respect it. As long as we treat each other kindly in front of DD, that should be enough. I may not have planned the pregnancy, but I did choose to have a relationship with this person, so that's my cross to bear, I suppose. Anyway thanks all for the support.

[Anonymous]

Good luck with everything, OP. Glad to hear he's trying.

[Anonymous]

Don't force this. If he can't handle it something bad could happen because he's just not capable... And he'll just say I told you so.