Encourage ex to independently visit DD?
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Anonymous
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2 yo DC is a happy, thriving toddler. My relationship with her dad ended right before we realized that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant. I wanted the baby. He was ambivalent. We agreed that I would parent, as I was emotionally and financially prepared, and that he would fulfill his role the best he could. So far he's maintained a consistent (if infrequent) visitation schedule, about 1-2 visits/mo, and gradually increased his contributions to school costs (529). I'd prefer him to see her more. I'm not interested in making money the issue.
To my topic: I'd like him to start spending time with her alone. He resists this, saying that it will be stressful for all. I've been OK with group visits so far…when DC was a baby that made sense. Now, she knows him, albeit not as well as I'd like, and is more verbal. Independent time together will strengthen their relationship. It will help him learn to parent. It is also his responsibility. Admittedly, my other motivation for this is that I don't want to be around him anymore. Our relationship is cordial but superficial. He has ignored my attempts to reach out to him on a platonic level, which I've done since her birth. He is passive aggressive and uninterested in building a friendship separate from DC. I think we would be better parents if we were also friends but he may not want that, and I must respect that decision. I don't, then, want to set aside my free time to supervise him with DC. I want DC to be safe and comfortable. I also don't want to kick this hornet's nest as we've stayed out of court so far. Advice is appreciated. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| Just sit down with him and tell him that once a month, he can take daughter out on his own. See what he says about it. You can't force or make him though |
Anonymous
Right, PP. That's the issue. I've suggested it and he's resisted. I'm aware that I can't force him. But I no longer want to chaperone their visits. I'm looking for ways to reopen that conversation. |
Anonymous
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What if they took a parent-child class together? It might be that he's nervous about being alone with her and structuring her time. If you signed her up for Gymboree or something and took turns taking her it would give her a familiar setting and routine, and would allow him to take on some basic parenting tasks (putting her in the car, helping her play, giving her a snack before going home) without the strain of figuring out what to do with a toddler.
In a year or two she'll be in a very different place and it might be easier for him to imagine sticking her in his car and driving her to a playground and then out to eat, but Gymboree might be a good baby step. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, but why isnt he paying child support? That is not for you to decide, but about what your child is entitled to. Contributing to a 529 is not child support. I'm not sure why you're tiptoeing around this "hornet's nest." Whether or not he wants to spend time with her, he needs to pay child support. |
Anonymous
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9:51 that's a good idea. We're starting a summer playgroup that will be M-F in the mornings and I will likely have him come with me once or twice, then take DC alone.
Re: child support, I earn signif more and he is in early career stages. We didn't plan a child together. Our relationship at DC's birth was rocky at best. My situation allows us to put child first and $$ second. She will be fine financially. I can, and may, file at some point, if that's what's required to highlight his responsibility. But visitation isn't connected to CS per the courts, nor per me. If filing would make him visit her more, I'll do it. But I doubt it will. |
Anonymous
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Let me start by saying that I really don't know anything as I've not had to face this situation, but judging on my husband's ability to manage solo time with 2 year olds (limited) I would say don't press him now.
It will get much easier for him to take your child on his own as she gets older, more verbal, more able to take direction, etc... For right now can you just find a way to not be around when he's there? Go to another room, take a long phone call w/ a girlfriend, do some laundry, weed the yard, etc...? If things have been this cordial thus far, and if you were the one who primarily wanted the child in the first place, I just wouldn't push. Accept what he can do and is willing to do, and find a way for that to be enough for right now. Let his relationship with the child evolve over time and see if the attachment there drives a desire for more steady contact. I don't think this is something that can/should be forced. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Thanks. I think you're right. It's just so hard to have to spend time with him when he blows off mother's day, refuses to engage in conversation of any substance, etc. I ended our romantic relationship prior to DC and I believe he's still angry at me for that. He denies it, but finds subtle ways to be a dick to me. I could accept dickish behavior (towards me, obvs not towards DC) if I didn't also feel that he's forcing me to be with him during her visits. It feels like punishment, while also making things as easy as possible for him. My other option is to continue to be present for their visits but take my home out of the mix, so I'm not providing all the supplies, snacks, diapers, etc. I may suggest we meet at a playground near him, or just have him make the plans period. That might help me feel less resentful. |
Anonymous
| ^ maybe, but if he's this uninvolved you're probably still going to need to send snacks and diapers |
Anonymous
Ok, so it sounds like most of this then is about how you're feeling, what you're still harboring from your relationship, what your hopes were versus the harsh reality. I get it, and it sounds really tough. But if you can reframe how you make yourself think about it would it help? If you focus on how he acts w/ the child, how she is growing up w/ seeing him regularly (even if not as much as you'd like), how she is not having to deal with overt hostility between her parents, how you are managing to find a way to facilitate a relationship between them even though he was quite ambivalent about having a child (at best), how you are putting her needs so far ahead of your own, etc... Maybe it will help you manage your own reactions a little more easily? You are doing your daughter a HUGE service in the way you have handled this so far. I think you've done great. Don't let your resentments, expectations, assumptions, etc... get in the way of what you have managed to build from very little enthusiasm. Seriously. |
Anonymous
| How much time does he spend with her when he visits? I know several dads who just visit, no overnights, and they often establish a Saturday morning brunch tradition. I wonder if that might appeal more to him. Defined, short time. Planned "activity." Maybe go with him once so he has a clue. It may morph later in movies, shopping, playground, watching soccer games, etc. |
Anonymous
| Thanks guys. These are great suggestions and I really appreciate the support. After his last visit I was pretty deflated. It's a ton of effort to raise her and act warm toward him...at our last visit he mentioned that his friends wonder why there aren't more pictures of DC on his facebook page. I asked him why he didn't visit DC more. No answer. It kills me that that's what he's focused on. But agree with above poster that I probably harbor resentment towards him re: our relationship as well (i.e. if we didn't have a child I'd be happy to never see him again). We are, however, connected for life, and I feel that it would be a win for all if that connection were a warmer one. I will settle for him being somewhat connected to DC, if that's all he can offer. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
| Don't force it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That's my take on my own situation which is very similar to yours but I have a 7 yr old. My ex very rarely does anything with our DD without me. The difference is we get along 95% of the time. I let him know about what we are doing and that he is always invited. If he shows up, great. If not, no big deal since I never tell my DD about it ahead of time. He may never want to take your child alone. This may not be a bad thing. There are plenty of women who stay in bad marriages to avoid having their DH take the kids alone. Make yourself boring and scarce when he comes to visit. Make it clear that he is here to visit your child. Go do laundry or start cleaning the bathrooms or something else boring. Say that you need to run to the bank or post office and you'll be back. |
Anonymous
THIS..it belongs to DD Dude needs to man up |
Anonymous
| Why is he even in her life? If you wanted the child and he didn't, you can afford the child financially and he doesn't, then what's the point of having him in her life? He doesn't give a crap. Focus on you and your child. A good father figure will come into her life. |