What goes through your mind when an acquaintance lets you know she will get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Op to be honest this is what's going on: they don't know you THAT well. You are connected by your kids going to the same school and it's only preschool which means the likelihood of these kids knowing each other more than another 1-2 years at most is slim. You have now told them you are getting a divorce and it's so out of left field in regards to the casual kid-centric relationship that they don't know why you brought it up. A close friend going through a divorce, I would absolutely be a shoulder to cry on and offer support and distraction if needed. If a preschool mom mentioned it to me I would think "WTF?" It's a little too personal and I would wonder if you were just looking for people to vent to which I don't really want to hear from a preschool acquaintance I might like but am not particularly close with. If you keep up the friendship the way it has been and don't mention your divorce or act like you're looking for tons of support, I'm sure they will still include you in stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what I meant is… fewer playdates (which DS really misses), no more classes together, etc. I only have one child, and I was sort of counting on his friends' support for the tough times ahead. I feel really sad, I don't know what to do. One thing I always counted on was that DS had some sort of support system, but I guess I will have to find something else. I was just wondering, if you had that experience before, did you try to avoid this person?

I wouldn't avoid you, OP. I have several divorced friends. I do think some women worry that you will be attractive to their husbands, ridiculous as it is...or it brings up insecurities about their own marriages.
But there are plenty of people who wouldn't let it affect your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thought that goes through my mind when I hear something like this is "your poor, poor child. I'm so sorry for him/ her."

And I wonder why you didn't try a little harder to work it out for your child's sake.

If that's your first thought, then I'd be glad that we are not close or going to be.

I agree with one of the PPs who said that they don't know you that well, so being your support system isn't natural. You're going to have to pull from all your inner reserves during this time. You call them up for play dates, suggest outings -- basically what you've always done. Acquaintances aren't going to be supportive in the way you want. It's not an easy time, but you will get through it...and your social life will change. It takes time, but you will find out who your true friends are, you may have to ask for support, but do that with your inner circle. Stay occupied and busy with your child. Check in with preschool teachers and get counseling for yourself and/or your child if you need to. Don't let yourself be isolated. I was one of the first in my social circle...but I certainly am not the last. I didn't have many people to call upon, and it got lonely at times. I learned some things and I've been there for other friends, even though they weren't there for me. It's ok. People do the best they can. Don't fret over an acquaintance.

To answer your question, I feel bad for everyone involved. But your school-mom friends may immediately associate you with some other friend who got divorced and assume you will do the same. Or they think, drama...run the other way.

[Anonymous]

"And I wonder why you didn't try a little harder to work it out for your child's sake.

How do you know she didn't?"

I'm divorced. It was definitely my experience that a number of people judged (even though they didn't know any details) and a number of people distanced themselves (even though there was no drama - those were mostly Catholics who I think just disapproved in general). And my social invitations declined. But there were also people who were kind and compassionate. And people who clearly felt sorry for me even though I didn't feel sorry for myself. All you can do, OP, is take people for whatever they are.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Between those who run from any upsetting event, those who judge you, and those who, like me, think you need a little space while going through this difficult phase, I understand that you might feel isolated.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you need to make a little extra effort to invite people, so they see you really are trying to keep a semblance of routine for your child, and you want social interaction. Actually, maybe you should come right out and explain that your child needs the comforting routine of playdates during this difficult time. Most of us need to have it spelled out to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what I meant is… fewer playdates (which DS really misses), no more classes together, etc. I only have one child, and I was sort of counting on his friends' support for the tough times ahead. I feel really sad, I don't know what to do. One thing I always counted on was that DS had some sort of support system, but I guess I will have to find something else. I was just wondering, if you had that experience before, did you try to avoid this person?

Wow, I'm surprised by how many of you would shun some one in the name of drama avoidance. Personally, I don't really approve of divorce unless there was some form of abuse or financial ruin involved, but that doesn't mean I have to be jerk about it and shun some one - I mean, just about all my friends do something that I personally don't approve of and that's just life - not every one shares your values. I'm not married to the person - she can make her own choices and I don't have to agree to be a good friend. When the mom of one of my child's friends told me she was going through divorce, I offered to host more play dates, invited her & her kid to join us on more family outings (parks, brunch out at kid friendly restaurants), and awkwardly tried to be supportive - I didn't know how much she wanted to share so I didn't ask a whole lot, didn't know what I should say or not say in response when she did share, but I tried to be some one she could talk to, and to be there for her when she needed something - like some one to watch the kid while she runs an errand.

[Anonymous]

I always wonder where the person in question made their bad decision or decision(s) that led to divorce. It may have been as early as the mate selection process or maybe further down the line. Curious where it started so that I can do what I can to avoid the same path.

[Anonymous]

I would think it is weird that you said you "might go that path".

I would think you were weird/drama queen if you were talking about divorce before actually getting a separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thought that goes through my mind when I hear something like this is "your poor, poor child. I'm so sorry for him/ her."

Me too. Look, there are some very good reasons for getting a divorce but I always feel bad for the kids. No matter how people rationalize it, kids want their parents to get along and be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People think it's contagious.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People think it's contagious.

+1

+2


Let me be the first to assure everyone that the woman need only to say "John and I were divorced over the summer" -- and nothing more -- and a certain type of fellow parent who is married herself will shun you forever more. For this type of loser, there needn't be any drama, any venting, nothing. She'll just avoid you, stop the casual "let's get coffee while they practice soccer?" invites.

This is for elementary school fwiw, to address the valid point above about preschool mom"friends" going their separate ways in 14 months anyway.

We could've gone on being casual parent buddies for the next 4, 6, 8 years but no -- Lisa feared that divorce was contagious and ran for the exit.

Bitch, bye!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps divorcing with small children has become a class issue. If you are in the upper middle class circles, there aren't many people who are overweight, who smoke, who are divorced. These seem to be vices of the uneducated. It doesn't justify the snobbery but might help explain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps divorcing with small children has become a class issue. If you are in the upper middle class circles, there aren't many people who are overweight, who smoke, who are divorced. These seem to be vices of the uneducated. It doesn't justify the snobbery but might help explain it.

That's interesting. All the divorced women I know make a lot of money. Otherwise we'd all be stuck in a relationship because we could not afford to provide in such an expensive city

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, it is contagious but they are probably trying to avoid drama.

Link?

OP, I would wonder what happened, but would never ask. Since I'm already single, I wouldn't abandon you for fear of catching anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps divorcing with small children has become a class issue. If you are in the upper middle class circles, there aren't many people who are overweight, who smoke, who are divorced. These seem to be vices of the uneducated. It doesn't justify the snobbery but might help explain it.

Do you live in NYC or Official Washington? Plenty of divorce among the moneyed, private school set here. It hits around late elementary / middle school.