What goes through your mind when an acquaintance lets you know she will get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Interestingly, I just found out one of the preschool teacher's at my DD's school got divorced. I was at a preschool end-of-year event when I found out from some other moms. My first thought was sympathy for her and her son, but I didn't think less of her at all. Maybe that's because my marriage has hit some really low points and I could have seen it happen to me. Regardless, I was struck by the sourness that some of the other moms seemed to feel about the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for all the comments (judgers and others, it is helpful to have honest opinions). For the record, I was not expecting any of the moms to lend an ear, I thought they were going to say "I'm sorry to hear that" like they meant it and move on, act normal. I had one mom being super supportive (she is divorced and I could almost catch a glimpse of happiness when I told her), and the rest act like me and DS don't exist anymore. We are just invisible; I am even not invited to parties we went to last year, and I invited all her classmates for DS birthday. I am reading this and I realize I am being a little dramatic, but that is how I feel; however, I would never let it show or say something since these women are not my friends. I happily accept when I am invited (playdates or otherwise) and I don't ask anymore because I am afraid of rejection.
I have really tried to make my marriage work, but it is an unbearable situation at this point. Some of you have recommended therapy for DS and I agree, I didn't think of that, i will get to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I avoid drama - so if I start to hear her talking negatively about the ex then I am out of there. If I hear anything that sounds like the child is being used a pawn or denied equal access to parents, then I am out of there. If I find out she cheated, then I am out of there. If she starts dating someone else soon after, then I am out of there.

Getting divorced on its own isn't going to send me running. It is how the person talks about and acts in the midst of and following the divorce that I go by.

Wow! how cold! What happened to a little compassion? especially about talking negatively. I guess you can always change the topic. The rest, I sort of agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, it is contagious but they are probably trying to avoid drama.

What? Is this true?

[Anonymous]

OP, ride it through. Statistically, you'll have lots of company soon. You're an early adapter.

I'm divorced, and I didn't announce it, but I've never had anyone treat me too differently except IRONICALLY a mom whose husband has been cheating for years, and a mom who got caught gossiping about the previous mom.

Go figure. Either people understand that divorce is something that is sad and difficult and something that most people don't choose for themselves, or they don't. And karma's a bitch, take it from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

Between those who run from any upsetting event, those who judge you, and those who, like me, think you need a little space while going through this difficult phase, I understand that you might feel isolated.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you need to make a little extra effort to invite people, so they see you really are trying to keep a semblance of routine for your child, and you want social interaction. Actually, maybe you should come right out and explain that your child needs the comforting routine of playdates during this difficult time. Most of us need to have it spelled out to us.

This is the nicest reply. Well done, and thank you for it.

[Anonymous]

These days, divorce is just as common as the common cold. Really.

You probably misread their reaction.

They probably were surprised since perhaps they had seen you together as a family + just assumed everything was hunky dory. Or maybe they feel kinda awkward because they don't know you too well to know just what to say.

Regardless, I am pretty sure you and your son will not be ostracized by the other families for you going through a divorce. I mean, it is 2014 last time I checked my calendar....Uh...err...I mean, my Smartphone. Lol.

[Anonymous]

I have once confided in a mom I know a bit better that I was thinking divorce- I odd notice a change in her attitude. I was happy she was the only one I ever told even thinking about it- lesson learnt- never again until it actually happens and only when prompted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op to be honest this is what's going on: they don't know you THAT well. You are connected by your kids going to the same school and it's only preschool which means the likelihood of these kids knowing each other more than another 1-2 years at most is slim. You have now told them you are getting a divorce and it's so out of left field in regards to the casual kid-centric relationship that they don't know why you brought it up. A close friend going through a divorce, I would absolutely be a shoulder to cry on and offer support and distraction if needed. If a preschool mom mentioned it to me I would think "WTF?" It's a little too personal and I would wonder if you were just looking for people to vent to which I don't really want to hear from a preschool acquaintance I might like but am not particularly close with. If you keep up the friendship the way it has been and don't mention your divorce or act like you're looking for tons of support, I'm sure they will still include you in stuff.

This. I would offer empathy but with boundaries. I don't want to have to be a shoulder to cry on for someone I don't know that well.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

I would give you a hug and ask if you want to grab coffee one day or a glass of wine one night. I'd also offer to help with your DC if you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP.

I would give you a hug and ask if you want to grab coffee one day or a glass of wine one night. I'd also offer to help with your DC if you need it.

Aww… thank you for the e-hug! And I would promise to talk about anything but my soon to be ex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People think it's contagious.

+1

Yup, clearly these responses reflect this phenomenon. Geez.

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about divorcing my husband for close to 5 years. I have finally decided that it's time and am moving forward. I had a lot of considerations. Of course the first is my children. I used to be concerned that I would "lose" some friends or be cut out of our social circle. I am still really concerned about the impacts on my children but I have been working with a therapist and realize that children can be ok after a divorce if the parents put them first. I have done so much self exploration the last few years trying to figure this out. Have learned to really love myself. I realize now that any friends I might lose due to the divorce aren't friends.

That said, I won't be sharing my divorce plans with casual "acquaintances". None of their business.

[Anonymous]

It also might be something as simple as not knowing what stage you are at and if the child is free for playdates. If you are going through a divorce, no one wants to call for a Saturday playdate to hear - he's at Dads. Be pro-active on t he playdates because the odds are people might just be assuming you are busy, or that DS will be with dad.

[Anonymous]

I never told a lot of people when I split up from my ex -- just a few close friends, some of whom were related to my kids' school but most not. My ex and I split up a long time ago, but we get along well as co-parents and often attend school events or sports activities together (arrive together, sit together, sometimes vacation together, etc.) Now the problem is that because I never really made it "public" by telling a lot of people, parents of schoolmates assume we are married. Awkward! Now I wish I had told more people about it to begin with. It would have been easier just to have it out there.