My mom treats her adult children like they are still kids

[Anonymous]

Be grateful. For all of it. It is loving and caring and she would be crushed if she knew you were complaining about her on an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

OP, I lost my mom when I was 9 years old. You have no idea how unbelievably lucky you are. Appreciate what you have before its gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- are you feeling smothered and suffocated by these moments of affection?

I have a mom that's the same and feel like I can't breathe. My DS is 10mo (first grandchild) and it's honestly given her more shit to communicate about. (Wants details from every doctors appt, picture every day etc). So don't hold out too much hope for first grandchild changing things.

It has resulted in less random Easter junk bought for me and more of it heaped on him. So the junk is in my house every holiday times all grandparents. However the stuff I don't mind it's the constant contact that is tiresome.

This is my life. The addition of a first grandchild and a new iPhone has made it hard to get a day off from my mother. I wish she never learned to use a cell and stuck with her landline. It's, never, enough.

To OP-- For a long time, while I was single in my own apartment and early years of marriage my mother would act as if I was camping in the outback or playing house, as if my life on my own wasn't real and she had to drop in with supplies until I was ready to come back home to my real life. It became quite irritating but thankfully, it's stopped more or less.

[Anonymous]

Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

[Anonymous]

My MIL infantilizes my husband and it's really immobilizing for him; he becomes a pretty crappy husband when she's around. I put a moratorium on certain topics for the final 4 weeks of her last extended stay. (DH's cousin just got divorced for similar non-stop meddling from the ILs - kind of a cultural norm, however unfortunate.) DH has been dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics his whole life and can't address it in a level headed manor, so I've found that it's much more effective for me to put a stop to it.

Maybe your husband can nip certain things in the bud with your mother? If your mom doesn't take you seriously when you say no, maybe your husband saying "no, not in our house," would get your mother's attention. We all get used to taking our family members for granted, so it's a bit more jolting when a newish family member, semi-outsider calls us out on unacceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

OP again- it's funny you say this, because I've gotten to the point where I don't share these details with her willingly! But I'm a horrible horrible liar (she raised me with a moral compass, what can I say) and she asks a million questions, so if she asks if "John is traveling this week" I have a hard time lying. The checkins are primarily texts- it's just wierd because I lived on my own for many years and this didn't happen with nearly the frequency.

The financial criticism tends to be over big things- how can you afford to go to these out of town weddings, take overseas trip, remodel your kitchen. Frankly in that regard she's much harsher and critical of my sister who lives closer to them because all of the new things sister buys are more apparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL infantilizes my husband and it's really immobilizing for him; he becomes a pretty crappy husband when she's around. I put a moratorium on certain topics for the final 4 weeks of her last extended stay. (DH's cousin just got divorced for similar non-stop meddling from the ILs - kind of a cultural norm, however unfortunate.) DH has been dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics his whole life and can't address it in a level headed manor, so I've found that it's much more effective for me to put a stop to it.

Maybe your husband can nip certain things in the bud with your mother? If your mom doesn't take you seriously when you say no, maybe your husband saying "no, not in our house," would get your mother's attention. We all get used to taking our family members for granted, so it's a bit more jolting when a newish family member, semi-outsider calls us out on unacceptable behavior.

No no no no no! What is the standard advice on this board when a lady is having problem with her MIL? The CHILD must establish the boundary with the parent, not the in-law, unless you want to poison their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

OP again- it's funny you say this, because I've gotten to the point where I don't share these details with her willingly! But I'm a horrible horrible liar (she raised me with a moral compass, what can I say) and she asks a million questions, so if she asks if "John is traveling this week" I have a hard time lying. The checkins are primarily texts- it's just wierd because I lived on my own for many years and this didn't happen with nearly the frequency.

The financial criticism tends to be over big things- how can you afford to go to these out of town weddings, take overseas trip, remodel your kitchen. Frankly in that regard she's much harsher and critical of my sister who lives closer to them because all of the new things sister buys are more apparent.

Limit contact! How hard is that? Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL infantilizes my husband and it's really immobilizing for him; he becomes a pretty crappy husband when she's around. I put a moratorium on certain topics for the final 4 weeks of her last extended stay. (DH's cousin just got divorced for similar non-stop meddling from the ILs - kind of a cultural norm, however unfortunate.) DH has been dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics his whole life and can't address it in a level headed manor, so I've found that it's much more effective for me to put a stop to it.

Maybe your husband can nip certain things in the bud with your mother? If your mom doesn't take you seriously when you say no, maybe your husband saying "no, not in our house," would get your mother's attention. We all get used to taking our family members for granted, so it's a bit more jolting when a newish family member, semi-outsider calls us out on unacceptable behavior.

No no no no no! What is the standard advice on this board when a lady is having problem with her MIL? The CHILD must establish the boundary with the parent, not the in-law, unless you want to poison their relationship.

That works if the son has a healthy relationship with his mother, which is not always the case. Some mothers won't take no for an answer from their son or daughter, but they will from a son-in-law/daughter-in-law. In general, I do agree with your advice - that each spouse should deal with their own parents - but when there's a history of abuse and manipulation, then the spouse who grew up with that isn't always in a position to establish and maintain the necessary boundaries, even if that spouse is otherwise a strong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:give her a dog for her bday or christmas

This is a good idea. She needs a baby or dog to baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

OP again- it's funny you say this, because I've gotten to the point where I don't share these details with her willingly! But I'm a horrible horrible liar (she raised me with a moral compass, what can I say) and she asks a million questions, so if she asks if "John is traveling this week" I have a hard time lying. The checkins are primarily texts- it's just wierd because I lived on my own for many years and this didn't happen with nearly the frequency.

The financial criticism tends to be over big things- how can you afford to go to these out of town weddings, take overseas trip, remodel your kitchen. Frankly in that regard she's much harsher and critical of my sister who lives closer to them because all of the new things sister buys are more apparent.

Limit contact! How hard is that? Sheesh!

Wow you people are harsh. OP should be grateful she has a mom who cares- and you all are advising her to limit contact?! I fell bad for your moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my mom when I was 9 years old. You have no idea how unbelievably lucky you are. Appreciate what you have before its gone.

Thi, so much this. So, so much.

Not an orphan, but last year I found myself having to wait for the result of a biopsy my Mum had to undergo (suspected thyroid cancer, thank heavens it came back clear). Worst ten days of my life. I had to have massive blood transfusions in January and I'm currently waiting for my HIV test result - believe me, it doesn't even compare.

OP, if you really can't stand the children books, find a tactful way to give your mum a list of authors/titles/genres you'd enjoy.

Also, if your husband is bothered by your mum's presents, let that be his problem.

I'm so glad I never got too old to appreciate a sweet gesture from my own Mum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

OP again- it's funny you say this, because I've gotten to the point where I don't share these details with her willingly! But I'm a horrible horrible liar (she raised me with a moral compass, what can I say) and she asks a million questions, so if she asks if "John is traveling this week" I have a hard time lying. The checkins are primarily texts- it's just wierd because I lived on my own for many years and this didn't happen with nearly the frequency.

The financial criticism tends to be over big things- how can you afford to go to these out of town weddings, take overseas trip, remodel your kitchen. Frankly in that regard she's much harsher and critical of my sister who lives closer to them because all of the new things sister buys are more apparent.

Limit contact! How hard is that? Sheesh!

Wow you people are harsh. OP should be grateful she has a mom who cares- and you all are advising her to limit contact?! I fell bad for your moms.

+1

People, please give me your moms. I will appreciate the fuck out of them. "oh, my mom cares for me too much? gotta cut contact!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the daily phone calls and criticism of your financial decisions can be easily remedied by not letting her know he'll be out of town (you can tell her once he returns) and not offering up specifics on your finances. My dad, who's actually pretty hands off, was getting on my nerves with unsolicited financial advice - so I just don't give specifics anymore. You can also return one phone call for every two you get.

But otherwise, I have an aunt much like what you describe - when I go to visit, she reminds me to wash my hands, finish my food, was furious when I was packing up from a visit and didn't have room for all the stuff she wanted me to lug home. An aunt is different than a parent, but we've had to limit the kind of visits we do with her. The last time we visited, she was bullying my husband in front of our daughter and I just can't sign up to expose my child to that, even though I feel bad for my aunt who's clearly lonely.

OP again- it's funny you say this, because I've gotten to the point where I don't share these details with her willingly! But I'm a horrible horrible liar (she raised me with a moral compass, what can I say) and she asks a million questions, so if she asks if "John is traveling this week" I have a hard time lying. The checkins are primarily texts- it's just wierd because I lived on my own for many years and this didn't happen with nearly the frequency.

The financial criticism tends to be over big things- how can you afford to go to these out of town weddings, take overseas trip, remodel your kitchen. Frankly in that regard she's much harsher and critical of my sister who lives closer to them because all of the new things sister buys are more apparent.

Limit contact! How hard is that? Sheesh!

Wow you people are harsh. OP should be grateful she has a mom who cares- and you all are advising her to limit contact?! I fell bad for your moms.

+ 1.

Try being unable to get up on your own after you fell and have a parent react by yelling "I could always leave you there, you know?" and throw the house phone on the floor next to you, as you plead for help. Let me assure that you'd stop complaining about care packages in a NY minute after that one.

BTW, I wish I was making that example up. My verbally and emotionally abusive father really did that. On the evening of the day I was discharged from hospital.