My mom treats her adult children like they are still kids

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else's mom do this? I am the oldest of three siblings, all late 20s-early 30s. None of us have kids yet, so I think my mom does things for us that she would prefer to be doing for the grand kids she does not have. As in, I get a care package for every holiday- Halloween, valentines day, Easter, etc. with candy and trinkets and packs of printed Kleenex. She gives us children's books for our birthdays (for DH too- drives him crazy). When DH is out of town, she contacts me pretty much every day to make sure I'm still alive. Asks me to check in with her twice during an 8 hr drive from their house back home. Criticizes our spending habits. When parents come to visit, she brings seemingly the entire refrigerator with her, like we're not capable of grocery shopping and cooking dinner. Freaks out if we can't see eachother over a holiday (and then laments how "alone" I must feel).

I love my mom dearly and know she means well, but it's like I can't get her to see me as an adult sometimes. I don't recall her mother being this way with her, although my mom had 3 kids by the time she was my age (33). Is anyone's mom also like this, and does it subside once grandchildren are in the picture?

[Anonymous]

Stop sharing so much information. No need to tell her your DH will be out of town, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think you are still in the "I'm a young adult" stage, trying to establish your independence. My mom still does all kind of mom things because we will always be her kids. I doubt it has anything to do with her not seeing you as an adult and more with just wanting to be supportive and helpful in a motherly way. She is just doing nice things for you, not because she doesn't think you are capable or competent. Surely you do things for others that they actually have the capacity to do themselves.

I don't think getting care packages or having food brought to you or wanting to be together or worrying about you being alone has anything to do with her seeing you as a child rather than an adult. Just enjoy it and be grateful.

Then again my mother still makes me a Christmas stocking and I am in my 40s!

[Anonymous]

She obviously gets a lot of joy out of doing these things, be grateful you have a mom that cares.

Although if my MIL started sending me children's books before we had kids, I would find that kinda creepy! Can you just tell her not to send them to your husband?

[Anonymous]

I think you are still in the "I'm a young adult" stage, trying to establish your independence. My mom still does all kind of mom things because we will always be her kids. I doubt it has anything to do with her not seeing you as an adult and more with just wanting to be supportive and helpful in a motherly way. She is just doing nice things for you, not because she doesn't think you are capable or competent. Surely you do things for others that they actually have the capacity to do themselves.

I don't think getting care packages or having food brought to you or wanting to be together or worrying about you being alone has anything to do with her seeing you as a child rather than an adult. Just enjoy it and be grateful.

+1 You are being hypercritical of what is nothing more than nice gestures.

[Anonymous]

She is in desperate need of a grand child.

[Anonymous]

The children's book thing is weird but the rest is normal mom behavior. I also worry about my parents feeling lonely at the holidays if we're going to the in-laws that year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The children's book thing is weird but the rest is normal mom behavior. I also worry about my parents feeling lonely at the holidays if we're going to the in-laws that year.

Agreed. Try not to get so annoyed and see it as her need to feel needed. Let her know you love her, stop fighting against it, and she may stop pushing as hard.

And someday when you do have kids of your own you will probably appreciate having the kind of Mom who still sees you as her baby and wants to take care of you.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I am 53 and mom is 82. Still her kid and treated as such. I am totally incompetent according to her.

[Anonymous]

If they are in town or at my house, I give my adult chidren a pack of their favorite (Reese's or Hershey miniatures, etc) chocolate on Valentine's Day And I do make them Christmas stockings. No bunny baskets though. And I try not to treat them like kids. When my son drives cross country I worry but don't call or bug him. Glad to hear from the one who lives far away, a couple of times a month.

[Anonymous]

give her a dog for her bday or christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you are still in the "I'm a young adult" stage, trying to establish your independence. My mom still does all kind of mom things because we will always be her kids. I doubt it has anything to do with her not seeing you as an adult and more with just wanting to be supportive and helpful in a motherly way. She is just doing nice things for you, not because she doesn't think you are capable or competent. Surely you do things for others that they actually have the capacity to do themselves.

I don't think getting care packages or having food brought to you or wanting to be together or worrying about you being alone has anything to do with her seeing you as a child rather than an adult. Just enjoy it and be grateful.

+1 You are being hypercritical of what is nothing more than nice gestures.

+2. Go back in these posts and read how horrible some people's parents and in laws are. Like, truly pathological. Then eat your snacks and thank your lucky stars you come from a normal family where your parents like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you are still in the "I'm a young adult" stage, trying to establish your independence. My mom still does all kind of mom things because we will always be her kids. I doubt it has anything to do with her not seeing you as an adult and more with just wanting to be supportive and helpful in a motherly way. She is just doing nice things for you, not because she doesn't think you are capable or competent. Surely you do things for others that they actually have the capacity to do themselves.

I don't think getting care packages or having food brought to you or wanting to be together or worrying about you being alone has anything to do with her seeing you as a child rather than an adult. Just enjoy it and be grateful.

+1 You are being hypercritical of what is nothing more than nice gestures.

+2. Go back in these posts and read how horrible some people's parents and in laws are. Like, truly pathological. Then eat your snacks and thank your lucky stars you come from a normal family where your parents like you.

OP here- thanks I needed that! Funny thing is, I never thought much of all this until I met my DH- he just has a completely different relationship with his mom (not bad in any way, she's a lovely generous person, just more hands-off) and finds my mom a bit smothering. The children's books and bringing lots of food drives him bonkers- I had to beg her not to bring a turkey at thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Op- are you feeling smothered and suffocated by these moments of affection?

I have a mom that's the same and feel like I can't breathe. My DS is 10mo (first grandchild) and it's honestly given her more shit to communicate about. (Wants details from every doctors appt, picture every day etc). So don't hold out too much hope for first grandchild changing things.

It has resulted in less random Easter junk bought for me and more of it heaped on him. So the junk is in my house every holiday times all grandparents. However the stuff I don't mind it's the constant contact that is tiresome.

[Anonymous]

I agree - OP, you give out too much information. You should decide what behavior is appropriate and model accordingly.