Help me be ok with the mommy track

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

If you find that magic balance, you should write a book.

I'm at that point where my peers are all going up for partner and my kids are in preschool. My choice is to leave my 45 hr a week job with zero weekends/late nights/travel and step into 55++ hours a week, over night travel and being at the beck and call to client deadlines. It is tough to lean back and choose not to shoot for my highest professional level, but I try to keep things in perspective and enjoy our nightly family dinners, reading bedtime stories and having a few moments to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have not read the entire thread but here is my take. You and your husband can be super duper successful in your respective careers but if your kids are not successful, happy, well-adjusted individuals - your success does not mean anything.

So the main benefit of being in the mommy track is to maintain a balance (as much is possible) between parenting and career.

I mostly agree. In a two parent family with young children, one parent can make income the priority, while the other is primarily focused on the children and home.

Both are equal, but will never be identical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad there isn't a "Daddy Track" then things would be more equal.

My brother just spoke to me about him being daddy tracked. My SIL is a consultant at a big 4 and constantly traveling. My brother's job ideally requires lots of travel, too, but he tries to avoid it, he is the primary parent, and he feels like it prevents him from advancing in his career (I don't know how true this is but that's how he feels).

[Anonymous]

I'm about to enter the mommy track myself. I'm definitely struggling with it, but keep trying to tell myself that I'm lucky to have a low-stress job and a paycheck. I don't think I'd be happy working really long hours while my kids are home.

[Anonymous]

I would actually love to be mommy tracked if it meant I could pick up the kids at 3:30. I have a great job with a lot of flexibility, ability to WFH easily, but leaving everyday at 3pm is a non starter.

[Anonymous]

If you believe there is no Daddy Track you don't know enough Dads. Also, that's just sexist. Many men are absolutely dealing with the same problems. The fact is that if you make you make work decisions based solely on your child you'll likely get "Mommy tracked". Plenty of men work their schedules around school drop off and work hours being conducive to family life. When men do it to the same extent as women who are "Mommy tracked" it has the same effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

Do the math. It doesn't matter if you're a mom or a dad--you cannot do both because you can't be in two places at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

Do the math. It doesn't matter if you're a mom or a dad--you cannot do both because you can't be in two places at the same time.

Most brilliant DCUM post of the day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

Sure. But don't kid yourselves. There is no perfect balance. Either your career OR your family is your priority. Hopefully your spouse makes the other one, his priority.
Equal, but not same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

I'm pretty sure this was meant as a joke? You cannot both be "at the top of your career" and actually "be there" for family.

[Anonymous]

When I get stressed about work and not doing enough there bc I want to be home with my kids, I remind myself that it is highly unlikely that on my death bed I'll be thinking "Oh, I wish I has worked longer hours".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I get stressed about work and not doing enough there bc I want to be home with my kids, I remind myself that it is highly unlikely that on my death bed I'll be thinking "Oh, I wish I has worked longer hours".

Yup. The studies on this topic show that elderly men consistently wished they hadn't worked so much and had spent more time with their families (these are for people who worked back in the 50s/60s, before women worked in the same numbers they do today). I think of that a lot when trying to figure all this out. I hear people talk about not passing up the job of a lifetime; as far as I can tell, I have the kids of a lifetime, and damned if I'm going to miss them while I have the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I get stressed about work and not doing enough there bc I want to be home with my kids, I remind myself that it is highly unlikely that on my death bed I'll be thinking "Oh, I wish I has worked longer hours".

Yup. The studies on this topic show that elderly men consistently wished they hadn't worked so much and had spent more time with their families (these are for people who worked back in the 50s/60s, before women worked in the same numbers they do today). I think of that a lot when trying to figure all this out. I hear people talk about not passing up the job of a lifetime; as far as I can tell, I have the kids of a lifetime, and damned if I'm going to miss them while I have the chance.

+1. Like OP, I was a major go-getter and golden child in my 20s. As I moved into my 30s and had kids, I realized that I didn't love my job as much as I thought, and time for myself and with my family was a greater priority. I continue to be a high performer and expert in my field in terms of executing the tasks of my job, but I no longer seek out more demanding opportunities and don't volunteer for all the extra things that are part of the consulting world like after-hours business development and proposal work, serving on committees, etc.

I still mentor a number of younger staff and offer them perspectives on both getting ahead and how to make peace with a "work to live" rather than "live to work" approach to life.

Don't think of this as the mommy track, OP since that really is a pejorative. Think of it as a the track for the life you want. It's not a step back or a step down. It's a choice to frame your life differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

I'm pretty sure this was meant as a joke? You cannot both be "at the top of your career" and actually "be there" for family.

If you are trying to "finagle" something, it is either not happening or deceptive. I have not heard of someone finagling to the top of a career. Or if you're with your kids at a soccer game but really working with eyes glued to iphone that doesn't count either.