Help me be ok with the mommy track

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I get stressed about work and not doing enough there bc I want to be home with my kids, I remind myself that it is highly unlikely that on my death bed I'll be thinking "Oh, I wish I has worked longer hours".

Yup. The studies on this topic show that elderly men consistently wished they hadn't worked so much and had spent more time with their families (these are for people who worked back in the 50s/60s, before women worked in the same numbers they do today). I think of that a lot when trying to figure all this out. I hear people talk about not passing up the job of a lifetime; as far as I can tell, I have the kids of a lifetime, and damned if I'm going to miss them while I have the chance.

+1. Like OP, I was a major go-getter and golden child in my 20s. As I moved into my 30s and had kids, I realized that I didn't love my job as much as I thought, and time for myself and with my family was a greater priority. I continue to be a high performer and expert in my field in terms of executing the tasks of my job, but I no longer seek out more demanding opportunities and don't volunteer for all the extra things that are part of the consulting world like after-hours business development and proposal work, serving on committees, etc.

I still mentor a number of younger staff and offer them perspectives on both getting ahead and how to make peace with a "work to live" rather than "live to work" approach to life.

Don't think of this as the mommy track, OP since that really is a pejorative. Think of it as a the track for the life you want. It's not a step back or a step down. It's a choice to frame your life differently.

It's simply being "family focused," vs. career focused.
Balance is a grand illusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

Do the math. It doesn't matter if you're a mom or a dad--you cannot do both because you can't be in two places at the same time.

It's easier when your kids are gone from 7 to 3, at least, each weekday, to do both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

+1000

These can't be our only two choices! We need meaningful work and meaningful family time.

Sure. But don't kid yourselves. There is no perfect balance. Either your career OR your family is your priority. Hopefully your spouse makes the other one, his priority.
Equal, but not same.

Huh. Both my spouse and I value our family over our careers. We are both home for dinner every night. Yet our HHI is over 300K. Yes, you can have a happy family and financial security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these really our only two choices? Mommy track or absentee parent? I want to fanagle something where I can be there and be on top of my career. I will not settle for either.

If you find that magic balance, you should write a book.

I'm at that point where my peers are all going up for partner and my kids are in preschool. My choice is to leave my 45 hr a week job with zero weekends/late nights/travel and step into 55++ hours a week, over night travel and being at the beck and call to client deadlines. It is tough to lean back and choose not to shoot for my highest professional level, but I try to keep things in perspective and enjoy our nightly family dinners, reading bedtime stories and having a few moments to myself.

Aren't you making enough money at your 45 hour a week job? That's where I'm at. I only have 6 more years until I'm an empty nester, and I have zero intention to spend those years working to accumulate more money.

[Anonymous]

Huh. Both my spouse and I value our family over our careers. We are both home for dinner every night. Yet our HHI is over 300K. Yes, you can have a happy family and financial security.

That's not what the thread's about. (You're the first one to bring up HHI.)
We're in the same boat, and that's terrific. For folks so fortunate, we shouldn't be heard to complain.

But OP's Q wasn't help me feel OK about my income, it was help me feel OK about being passed by at work while others get the promotions and I settle into a dull middle-level job.

It's the choice we made for our families, and we have to remember to feel good about it at every dinner time, every doctor appointment, every game of catch in the backyard. It's worth it.

Even if people who used to vie for my time and talent at work now look right through me as if I never existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Huh. Both my spouse and I value our family over our careers. We are both home for dinner every night. Yet our HHI is over 300K. Yes, you can have a happy family and financial security.

That's not what the thread's about. (You're the first one to bring up HHI.)
We're in the same boat, and that's terrific. For folks so fortunate, we shouldn't be heard to complain.

But OP's Q wasn't help me feel OK about my income, it was help me feel OK about being passed by at work while others get the promotions and I settle into a dull middle-level job.

It's the choice we made for our families, and we have to remember to feel good about it at every dinner time, every doctor appointment, every game of catch in the backyard. It's worth it.

Even if people who used to vie for my time and talent at work now look right through me as if I never existed.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I get stressed about work and not doing enough there bc I want to be home with my kids, I remind myself that it is highly unlikely that on my death bed I'll be thinking "Oh, I wish I has worked longer hours".

Yup. The studies on this topic show that elderly men consistently wished they hadn't worked so much and had spent more time with their families (these are for people who worked back in the 50s/60s, before women worked in the same numbers they do today). I think of that a lot when trying to figure all this out. I hear people talk about not passing up the job of a lifetime; as far as I can tell, I have the kids of a lifetime, and damned if I'm going to miss them while I have the chance.

+1. Like OP, I was a major go-getter and golden child in my 20s. As I moved into my 30s and had kids, I realized that I didn't love my job as much as I thought, and time for myself and with my family was a greater priority. I continue to be a high performer and expert in my field in terms of executing the tasks of my job, but I no longer seek out more demanding opportunities and don't volunteer for all the extra things that are part of the consulting world like after-hours business development and proposal work, serving on committees, etc.

I still mentor a number of younger staff and offer them perspectives on both getting ahead and how to make peace with a "work to live" rather than "live to work" approach to life.

Don't think of this as the mommy track, OP since that really is a pejorative. Think of it as a the track for the life you want. It's not a step back or a step down. It's a choice to frame your life differently.

This exactly. Different phases of life call for different timing. I killed myself to get through college, working 18 hour days, then went into campaigns, where I did the same. Now I'm actually enjoying my Lean Out phase, where I clock in and clock out at normal hours. I'm still asking for big projects, but only if they can fit within the time I need. Eventually, my kids will get bigger, or I will find another job, or who knows what will happen. But right now, my 2 year old needs me (and I need him) for bedtimes, and that is going to win every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Huh. Both my spouse and I value our family over our careers. We are both home for dinner every night. Yet our HHI is over 300K. Yes, you can have a happy family and financial security.

That's not what the thread's about. (You're the first one to bring up HHI.)
We're in the same boat, and that's terrific. For folks so fortunate, we shouldn't be heard to complain.

But OP's Q wasn't help me feel OK about my income, it was help me feel OK about being passed by at work while others get the promotions and I settle into a dull middle-level job.

It's the choice we made for our families, and we have to remember to feel good about it at every dinner time, every doctor appointment, every game of catch in the backyard. It's worth it.

Even if people who used to vie for my time and talent at work now look right through me as if I never existed.

I've chosen to lean out as well and have great balance. I do keep having to tell myself that this is the best choice for me now. It is still hard to watch others get promotions when you know you can dance circles around them and do a better job, but to me it's not worth the extra hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Huh. Both my spouse and I value our family over our careers. We are both home for dinner every night. Yet our HHI is over 300K. Yes, you can have a happy family and financial security.

That's not what the thread's about. (You're the first one to bring up HHI.)
We're in the same boat, and that's terrific. For folks so fortunate, we shouldn't be heard to complain.

But OP's Q wasn't help me feel OK about my income, it was help me feel OK about being passed by at work while others get the promotions and I settle into a dull middle-level job.

It's the choice we made for our families, and we have to remember to feel good about it at every dinner time, every doctor appointment, every game of catch in the backyard. It's worth it.

Even if people who used to vie for my time and talent at work now look right through me as if I never existed.

Once you have kids, your career ambitions take a back seat. Otherwise, why have them? I've been a WOHM other than maternity leaves the entire time I've been a mom, but I do feel this way. Who cares about prestige? Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be sure to give mother's day cards to the women who raised your children.

Such an a-hole comment. Very productive and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be sure to give mother's day cards to the women who raised your children.

Such an a-hole comment. Very productive and helpful.

Also, really irrelevant, since OP is talking about being mommy tracked. PP must just post this whenever she sees anything about working moms. Dummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be sure to give mother's day cards to the women who raised your children.

Such an a-hole comment. Very productive and helpful.

Also, really irrelevant, since OP is talking about being mommy tracked. PP must just post this whenever she sees anything about working moms. Dummy.

Every mom is working. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be sure to give mother's day cards to the women who raised your children.

Such an a-hole comment. Very productive and helpful.

Also, really irrelevant, since OP is talking about being mommy tracked. PP must just post this whenever she sees anything about working moms. Dummy.

Every mom is working. Sorry.

But not every mom is working at a job with a mommy track. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be sure to give mother's day cards to the women who raised your children.

Such an a-hole comment. Very productive and helpful.

Also, really irrelevant, since OP is talking about being mommy tracked. PP must just post this whenever she sees anything about working moms. Dummy.

Every mom is working. Sorry.

But not every mom is working at a job with a mommy track. Sorry.

Duh.

[Anonymous]

If I could stay home with kids by all means I would. Why would anyone want to deal with stress and conflict and money and hiring/firing by choice????