Has anyone gotten their spouse to relax a little about spending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First let me say that I am a saver and a big believer of living within/below your means.

That being said, my DH is reluctant to spend money on anything that isn't broken beyond repair.

Here are the basic facts:

HHI is roughly 250k, depending on bonus amounts
No car payments (paid cash)
Just bought a $660k house with 30% down that we plan to stay in a long time
Kids in public schools
401ks/IRAs maxed out every year
College funds on track
6-9 month "emergency fund"
Pay off credit card every month
No house leaner or lawn service
Also rent out our old townhouse that clears a few hundred a month (plus we are paying down principal)

I think we are doing great!! I am really proud of us. But when I say to DH "lets do an update to the powder room" (counter, faucet, light fixture) or lets buy a new family room couch, etc. he gets REALLY stressed out, and acts like I'm out of touch and don't understand the value of money or what we can afford. I know we can pay cash for these items without affecting any of the above.

Can anyone help us find a common ground? He is a great DH, I love him to pieces, but we are both unhappy in this current area. Neither of us is getting what we want.

TIA

So, you married a cheapskate. No, they never change.

I disagree with this statement that he's a "cheapskate". Its not that he's cheap - he has an unhealthy relationship with money and fear of being poor. Better than the alternative!

Perhaps therapy will help. but he won't change until he fixes his relationship and thinking about money.

Doesn't seem like that's it either. OP said he's fine with spending on cars, vacations and dining out so it sounds like they have different spending priorities. I do note, however, that they just bought a new house and OP already wants to make changes to it. Presumably, before deciding to buy the house OP and DH would have discussed what, if any, remodeling they intended on doing. It's quite possible DH feels that they've already shelled out a lot of money for a house and now OP wants to tack on more expenses.

[Anonymous]

I'm like your DH - if something still works or is fixable and the cost of fixing it is less than the cost of replacing it, then I don't see the point in buying a new one. I think it's just a lifestyle, how you were raised kind of thing. I can't imagine upgrading the couch simply because we can afford it - that would never make it in my top 5 priorities of what to do with spare money. And it makes me really uncomfortable when DH starts finding new projects or upgrades to do around the house - we don't need new stuff. We need to do the dishes, the laundry, keep what we have clean, and perhaps purge some of our belongings but new stuff? That really makes me feel anxious.

So I get where your DH is coming from and here's what works for us as a compromise. Maybe it would for you too? If DH and I both agreed that it would be nice to do a particular kind of upgrade and we agreed on a designated budget for that project, then I feel at ease as the various purchases and upgrades are made and just let DH handle it since he's more interested in it. Conversely, there are times that DH really really wants to replace or upgrade something that I just can't on board with at all - I think it's completely unnecessary. For those situations, at the start of the year we have a designate "home improvement" line in our budget that we both agree to - that's basically his (small) pot of money to spend on upgrades we don't mutually agree to through out the year. As long as he sticks to that set amount, I do my best not to stress about it and just let it be. He gets some of what he wants and I have some peace of mind knowing that it's not ruining our finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First let me say that I am a saver and a big believer of living within/below your means.

That being said, my DH is reluctant to spend money on anything that isn't broken beyond repair.

Here are the basic facts:

HHI is roughly 250k, depending on bonus amounts
No car payments (paid cash)
Just bought a $660k house with 30% down that we plan to stay in a long time
Kids in public schools
401ks/IRAs maxed out every year
College funds on track
6-9 month "emergency fund"
Pay off credit card every month
No house leaner or lawn service
Also rent out our old townhouse that clears a few hundred a month (plus we are paying down principal)

I think we are doing great!! I am really proud of us. But when I say to DH "lets do an update to the powder room" (counter, faucet, light fixture) or lets buy a new family room couch, etc. he gets REALLY stressed out, and acts like I'm out of touch and don't understand the value of money or what we can afford. I know we can pay cash for these items without affecting any of the above.

Can anyone help us find a common ground? He is a great DH, I love him to pieces, but we are both unhappy in this current area. Neither of us is getting what we want.

TIA

So, you married a cheapskate. No, they never change.

I disagree with this statement that he's a "cheapskate". Its not that he's cheap - he has an unhealthy relationship with money and fear of being poor. Better than the alternative!

Perhaps therapy will help. but he won't change until he fixes his relationship and thinking about money.

Doesn't seem like that's it either. OP said he's fine with spending on cars, vacations and dining out so it sounds like they have different spending priorities. I do note, however, that they just bought a new house and OP already wants to make changes to it. Presumably, before deciding to buy the house OP and DH would have discussed what, if any, remodeling they intended on doing. It's quite possible DH feels that they've already shelled out a lot of money for a house and now OP wants to tack on more expenses.

OP here. I think you nailed a big part of it. The house we chose was considerably "under budget." By about $75k. We did discuss things we'd like to do to the house before purchasing it - the disagreement comes in WHAT specifically we both think we discussed. We each remember it differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm like your DH - if something still works or is fixable and the cost of fixing it is less than the cost of replacing it, then I don't see the point in buying a new one. I think it's just a lifestyle, how you were raised kind of thing. I can't imagine upgrading the couch simply because we can afford it - that would never make it in my top 5 priorities of what to do with spare money. And it makes me really uncomfortable when DH starts finding new projects or upgrades to do around the house - we don't need new stuff. We need to do the dishes, the laundry, keep what we have clean, and perhaps purge some of our belongings but new stuff? That really makes me feel anxious.

So I get where your DH is coming from and here's what works for us as a compromise. Maybe it would for you too? If DH and I both agreed that it would be nice to do a particular kind of upgrade and we agreed on a designated budget for that project, then I feel at ease as the various purchases and upgrades are made and just let DH handle it since he's more interested in it. Conversely, there are times that DH really really wants to replace or upgrade something that I just can't on board with at all - I think it's completely unnecessary. For those situations, at the start of the year we have a designate "home improvement" line in our budget that we both agree to - that's basically his (small) pot of money to spend on upgrades we don't mutually agree to through out the year. As long as he sticks to that set amount, I do my best not to stress about it and just let it be. He gets some of what he wants and I have some peace of mind knowing that it's not ruining our finances.

OP here. Thanks for this. This sounds very similar to us. In fact, he's always joking that as soon as I go shopping I want to come home and clean out the closets. He thinks we should just skip both steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First let me say that I am a saver and a big believer of living within/below your means.

That being said, my DH is reluctant to spend money on anything that isn't broken beyond repair.

Here are the basic facts:

HHI is roughly 250k, depending on bonus amounts
No car payments (paid cash)
Just bought a $660k house with 30% down that we plan to stay in a long time
Kids in public schools
401ks/IRAs maxed out every year
College funds on track
6-9 month "emergency fund"
Pay off credit card every month
No house leaner or lawn service
Also rent out our old townhouse that clears a few hundred a month (plus we are paying down principal)

I think we are doing great!! I am really proud of us. But when I say to DH "lets do an update to the powder room" (counter, faucet, light fixture) or lets buy a new family room couch, etc. he gets REALLY stressed out, and acts like I'm out of touch and don't understand the value of money or what we can afford. I know we can pay cash for these items without affecting any of the above.

Can anyone help us find a common ground? He is a great DH, I love him to pieces, but we are both unhappy in this current area. Neither of us is getting what we want.

TIA

So, you married a cheapskate. No, they never change.

I disagree with this statement that he's a "cheapskate". Its not that he's cheap - he has an unhealthy relationship with money and fear of being poor. Better than the alternative!

Perhaps therapy will help. but he won't change until he fixes his relationship and thinking about money.

Doesn't seem like that's it either. OP said he's fine with spending on cars, vacations and dining out so it sounds like they have different spending priorities. I do note, however, that they just bought a new house and OP already wants to make changes to it. Presumably, before deciding to buy the house OP and DH would have discussed what, if any, remodeling they intended on doing. It's quite possible DH feels that they've already shelled out a lot of money for a house and now OP wants to tack on more expenses.

OP here. I think you nailed a big part of it. The house we chose was considerably "under budget." By about $75k. We did discuss things we'd like to do to the house before purchasing it - the disagreement comes in WHAT specifically we both think we discussed. We each remember it differently.

PP here and maybe this is obvious but is there any common ground on what you think you agreed to update? I mean, I get that misunderstandings happen but on something this significant I can't believe you guys can be that far apart on what you each think you heard. Alternatively, were you guys just not that specific about what you planned on changing such as agreeing to update the kitchen/bathroom/whatever but you didn't discuss the specifics of what you would be changing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 Reason I am not a SAHM.

+1