Has anyone gotten their spouse to relax a little about spending?
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Anonymous
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First let me say that I am a saver and a big believer of living within/below your means.
That being said, my DH is reluctant to spend money on anything that isn't broken beyond repair. Here are the basic facts: HHI is roughly 250k, depending on bonus amounts No car payments (paid cash) Just bought a $660k house with 30% down that we plan to stay in a long time Kids in public schools 401ks/IRAs maxed out every year College funds on track 6-9 month "emergency fund" Pay off credit card every month No house leaner or lawn service Also rent out our old townhouse that clears a few hundred a month (plus we are paying down principal) I think we are doing great!! I am really proud of us. But when I say to DH "lets do an update to the powder room" (counter, faucet, light fixture) or lets buy a new family room couch, etc. he gets REALLY stressed out, and acts like I'm out of touch and don't understand the value of money or what we can afford. I know we can pay cash for these items without affecting any of the above. Can anyone help us find a common ground? He is a great DH, I love him to pieces, but we are both unhappy in this current area. Neither of us is getting what we want. TIA |
Anonymous
| I would suggest a modest amount of cash each month to spend individually - maybe a percentage. Then establish your own savings account and budget, save, spend accordingly. Don't involve him in the details. For his share he can invest it |
Anonymous
So, you married a cheapskate. No, they never change. |
Anonymous
| OP I'm sorry but I don't think your DH will change. I'm in the same situation (except younger and without kids). I'm very afraid of DH being a cheapskate about everything forever. Currently my saving grace is that I work and make a good salary. If I was a SAHM I'm pretty sure I'd be on some sort of $50 allowance that DH would come up with. |
Anonymous
I agree with this, but this doesn't get you the bigger, home repair/updating purchases. For those, i think you could start by coming up with a list of home repairs you'd both like, and prioritizing them. He may balk at this step - he may obsess about getting the value our of home repairs, and not see how faucets help with the bottom line. You can always remind him they do contribute to the home's value and over time you also have to consider the pleasure and enjoyment you get out of living there. Then, once you have a list, come up with a schedule. Maybe he just has shock having just bought it and doesn't want to lay out big now, but seeing a 5 year plan might help shake this free? Good luck! |
Anonymous
| If you're paying the max towards your needs and also are on track for the retirement amount you'll need, what is the problem? The rest of the money is money you should be able to spend on wants |
Anonymous
| Start an upgrade/repair fund and contribute a small amount to it monthly. May be your DH will be less stressed about spending money that was specifically allocated for this purpose. |
Anonymous
Yes and no. He'll gladly spend on cars/vacations/restaurants. Just not the house 
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Anonymous
This is basically what he wants. He wants us to pick an upfront total amount we "agree" to, and then be "done" after that. He says otherwise its always "one more thing" - I don't deny this, I just think its part of owning a house, especially one that's 20+ years old. |
Anonymous
| #1 Reason I am not a SAHM. |
Anonymous
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We each have an account to spend as we please. It is $400/month for each of us.
I am the cheapskate, I am fine with spending I don't know about it. 
25 years of being broke and not having food is not easily forgotten. |
Anonymous
OP, I wish I had an answer for you. It probably stems from your husband's childhood. My husband sounds similar to yours, and his entire extended family is really good at saving money and never see the need to buy anything unless absolutely necessary. His dad's side grew up on the poor side, so they learned how to manage what they earned. (Interestingly, my family's attitude would have been to go out and get a higher earning income; however, my family is first generation immigrants, so maybe that's just one of the several differences between our families.) Our HHI is about $300K No car payments (own both, one extremely old Japanese sedan, the other slightly used highly reliable SUV but purchased w/ cash) Have more than 6 months of cash savings House will be fully paid off by the time 1st child goes to college. Plan is to spend our high mortgage payment on kids' tuition as house will be fully paid off. Max out retirement (but w/ matching etc. we save more than $50K in tax deferred accounts). Reached 7 figures last fall. Despite all of this, DH always takes an extremely conservative view. Our biggest expenses after the mortgage right now are child care (nanny for two kids). We do have twice a month cleaning service which costs about $220/month, but I finally put my foot down after spending all weekend trying to clean the bathrooms and recover from birth of first child (c-section). DH however insists on doing all the yard work and fixing appliances etc. Example, upstairs heater was intermittently shutting off (he said it was a loose wire). Thankfully, it's now spring, but he finally took it apart and put it back together. He refuses to update our 13 year old kitchen. Granted until we finish up with our huge child care costs, it's probably not the best time to upgrade; however, that's his default mode. I know everyone is advising you to have a separate savings account. [DH can't really say too much about the smaller purchases that I make. I have a job (actually out earn his salary), but part of the reason I do is so that I can pay for things w/o having to get "permission."] I just know that home improvements cost way more than a few hundred or thousand so it's not like something you can just take on yourself. I'll be interested to see what others advise other than just saying your DH is a "cheapskate." |
Anonymous
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I used to be your DH.
Our HHI is $280K ish, and I used to freak about every expense my wife wanted, whether it was reasonable or not. I just got to a point where every major (>$200) expense caused me stress and put me in a bad mood. I got comfortable with things by: 1) Cutting costs where I could, we actually had a lot of waste - im talking $1500 a month in savings I was able to identify/negotiate/etc 2) I started comparing myself to peers and realized I was actually doing quite well - our net worth is now almost $1.5M in our mid 30s. 3) Letting go of the day to day - my DW handles all the mortgage, taxes, grocery, etc. Not seeing EVERY bill come in helps me chillax about the ones I do see. It still boggles my mind when I do the math, but I try not to do it. Instead, I focus on our retirement investments and our asset growth strategy - thats something I can get excited (and happy) about because I see lots of way to keep in growing (i.e. two 401K matches that add up to 20K a year, plus what we contribute as employees, plus $5k to $10k a year in employee stock benefits, etc etc etc). I now track all of these accounts - 529, retirement liquid accounts, CD-ladders, emergency savings, etc every month. That scratches my itch to manage our financial future without requiring me to see some doctor bill for $390. I know it exists in the back of my mind, but as long as inflow > outflow, I'm not worried. 4) Focusing on net worth rather than just savings/assets. This helps because it "rewards" me for paying off debt equally to increasing my assets. In real terms, I know that the optimal financial decision probably isn't pari passu between those two, but tracking net worth enables you see improvements in two areas every month, and unless you are overspending (which it sounds like you arent), at an absolute minimum you'll see improvement in the debt column. It's cool (and rewarding) to see mortgage balances drop, even if its relatively slowly. Its stupid perhaps but in nominal terms, its also a bigger figure: if i pay off $1,000 a month in mortgage and save $1,000 a month - im going to see a net worth increase of $2,000 a month. That "feels" better than what I would have seen back before I changed even though perhaps nothing actually changed. |
Anonymous
| Do you work too or is it just him working? |
Anonymous
I disagree with this statement that he's a "cheapskate". Its not that he's cheap - he has an unhealthy relationship with money and fear of being poor. Better than the alternative! Perhaps therapy will help. but he won't change until he fixes his relationship and thinking about money. |