I am so done with life

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the hugs and support. I think it's been an exceptionally rough week because he came down with pneumonia. He has a HUGE fear of being touched so getting him to the doctor was not easy. I tried to take him in on Tuesday and he ran away from me when I got him outside and tried to get in the car. When I finally got him to get in the van we would have been 30 minutes late for the appointment, so I had to call and explain to them what happened. He was still running a high fever yesterday so I made him another doctor's appointment and told him if he didn't get in the car then I was calling for an ambulance. I got him there but he was not very cooperative. My wonderful pediatrician was able to listen to his chest while he held onto the stethoscope. Everything was okay until the very end when she accidentally touched him and then he lost it. He's STILL (over 24 hours later) crying about it. He'll be sitting there on his computer or watching t.v. and he just starts screaming and crying saying, "She touched me!!!" He never used to be this way about being touched.

Now I've caught his sickness (not pneumonia just the virus that brought it about) and I feel horrible and have a fever and I have to fight him every 2 hours for his breathing treatments and to give him his steroids for the pneumonia. I'm sure I won't feel this down once he and I are no longer sick, but this week's been really rough. Plus I had to miss 3 days of work and I have no sick time left.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to be dismissive/rude/ignorant etc but have you looked at alternative therapies? I'm not saying for you or your son to stop meds but what if you try something different in addition. Meditation has been proven to be beneficial for depression. Harvard just concluded a 15 year study on the benefits of meditation with depression and hypertension. Yoga also is a great tool. It helps sync your mental state and physical state - the word yoga actually means union. There's an organization called Art of Living - it has a great space here in DC. It is not a denominational religious org but it has roots in India/Hinduism. The premise of their practice is using the breath as a tool in meditation. I have taken 2 of their courses when I was depressed and it helped a lot. I wish I kept the practice up but life gets in the way . I truly hope you and your son find peace. I just encourage you to look elsewhere and try it - what have you got to lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. I don't have a child with mental illness but an elderly parent in failing health and it is so energy draining to deal with on a daily basis. It is also difficult for others, who are not going through something similar, to understand. I hope that you find some peace. I am trying also in spite of the challenges. Let's stay positive for each other.

Thank you. I'm sorry about your parent. I can imagine that would be draining too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a partner that is helping?

Yes, his dad (my ex-husband) helps me quite a bit. I'm very thankful that he's so involved. Now that my son is older and just about as tall as me, there are times that I need my ex around for my own safety. My son mainly only hurts himself but he has come after me several times. My ex lives down the street and I can call him to come over whenever this happens.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but you need to be on medication as well. This sort of anxiety and stress can take a toll on your mental health and you need to have something to buffer you as well.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he should go to a group home?

[Anonymous]

OP I can deeply empathize with what you wrote, because I could have easily written it myself up until about six months ago.

My son is 16 years old and a junior in high school. From kindergarten up until earlier this school year he had no friends and was deeply depressed. He had suffered from severe social phobia and depression all those years. He flirted with suicide on a couple of occasions.

I was in despair myself, thinking thoughts similar to the ones you have expressed here. I worried that he might never improve his quality of life, might never get his driver's license, a job, marry, etc... never learn how to talk to girls, much less get a girlfriend or marry one day. I feared his future was getting blacker and blacker and that one day I would learn the unbearable news that he had taken his own life. It was truly an nightmarish decade.

We had tried everything, including various medications and therapies. It just seemed like we could never find answers that provided any hope or relief. I agonized about where we had gone wrong as parents, what we could possibly try that we hadn't already tried. (FWIW, our daughter fortunately has had a much easier time growing up and is now on her own, college-educated, and quite content with her life.)

Anyway, it was finally this school year that the clouds parted and the tide turned. He has made friends and gained more confidence. He has a good idea of what he wants to do with his life after he graduates high school next year.

I have read some of your other posts here about your son and it always brings tears to my eyes because I know the pain you are feeling. I don't have the crystal ball that we all wish we did, but I can offer my own story of hope if that will help. I can hardly believe it myself, that we are actually beginning to see the light at the end of that long, dark, lonely tunnel. But it's true, OP!

Please don't ever give up. Take the advice from others here about taking care of yourself (so very important), and know that sometimes just the fact that you are still hanging in there and trying is the best you can do. Even if you don't always see any results, your son will know that he has an ally in you. Try to keep the lines of communication open with him and make sure he knows that you are on his side and that you have confidence and faith in him. Even if you don't think that he is listening, he is.

Everyone has a different path in life, and no one's looks like someone else's. He will get there some day, and he will know how important you are to him and how he couldn't have gotten there without your support all along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean to be dismissive/rude/ignorant etc but have you looked at alternative therapies? I'm not saying for you or your son to stop meds but what if you try something different in addition. Meditation has been proven to be beneficial for depression. Harvard just concluded a 15 year study on the benefits of meditation with depression and hypertension. Yoga also is a great tool. It helps sync your mental state and physical state - the word yoga actually means union. There's an organization called Art of Living - it has a great space here in DC. It is not a denominational religious org but it has roots in India/Hinduism. The premise of their practice is using the breath as a tool in meditation. I have taken 2 of their courses when I was depressed and it helped a lot. I wish I kept the practice up but life gets in the way . I truly hope you and your son find peace. I just encourage you to look elsewhere and try it - what have you got to lose?

I don't think you're being rude or anything. I think alternative therapies can really help. We've never looked into yoga only because I don't know if my son would buy into it, but I'm currently reading Scott Shannon's book on whole healing in mentally ill people. He believes a lot about diet and supplements affecting mental health. There is a product called Empower Plus that have really saved some mentally ill people. The only problem is that my son would have to come off of his prescribed meds and that is very scary to me. The few times we have tried that in the past (at the recommendation of a psychiatrist), my son attempted suicide. Also psychiatrists won't agree to oversee this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you need to be on medication as well. This sort of anxiety and stress can take a toll on your mental health and you need to have something to buffer you as well.

I am on medication. And in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should go to a group home?

Group homes are for kids who are wards of the state. Unless I wanted to sign him over to the state (which I will NEVER do), he wouldn't go to a group home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can deeply empathize with what you wrote, because I could have easily written it myself up until about six months ago.

My son is 16 years old and a junior in high school. From kindergarten up until earlier this school year he had no friends and was deeply depressed. He had suffered from severe social phobia and depression all those years. He flirted with suicide on a couple of occasions.

I was in despair myself, thinking thoughts similar to the ones you have expressed here. I worried that he might never improve his quality of life, might never get his driver's license, a job, marry, etc... never learn how to talk to girls, much less get a girlfriend or marry one day. I feared his future was getting blacker and blacker and that one day I would learn the unbearable news that he had taken his own life. It was truly an nightmarish decade.

We had tried everything, including various medications and therapies. It just seemed like we could never find answers that provided any hope or relief. I agonized about where we had gone wrong as parents, what we could possibly try that we hadn't already tried. (FWIW, our daughter fortunately has had a much easier time growing up and is now on her own, college-educated, and quite content with her life.)

Anyway, it was finally this school year that the clouds parted and the tide turned. He has made friends and gained more confidence. He has a good idea of what he wants to do with his life after he graduates high school next year.

I have read some of your other posts here about your son and it always brings tears to my eyes because I know the pain you are feeling. I don't have the crystal ball that we all wish we did, but I can offer my own story of hope if that will help. I can hardly believe it myself, that we are actually beginning to see the light at the end of that long, dark, lonely tunnel. But it's true, OP!

Please don't ever give up. Take the advice from others here about taking care of yourself (so very important), and know that sometimes just the fact that you are still hanging in there and trying is the best you can do. Even if you don't always see any results, your son will know that he has an ally in you. Try to keep the lines of communication open with him and make sure he knows that you are on his side and that you have confidence and faith in him. Even if you don't think that he is listening, he is.

Everyone has a different path in life, and no one's looks like someone else's. He will get there some day, and he will know how important you are to him and how he couldn't have gotten there without your support all along the way.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm in tears after reading your post. It's stories like these that give me hope. I'm so happy for your son (and you)!

[Anonymous]

OP, sending many gentle hugs your way. You are going through so much, and I have a small inkling of how draining it must be. I have a DS who has been an incredible challenge since he was a baby, with all sorts of sensory issues, anxiety, anger, adhd; he is defiant on a daily basis, still has frequent meltdowns in 5th grade, and is generally upset and angry about half of the time. It used to be worse, when he would spit, hit, kick, throw furniture, scream for hours, etc. Now he is getting better about reigning in that physical anger, but the defiance, the negativity, and the non-cooperation are sometimes so overwhelming I just want to go hide somewhere. Sometimes it's hard not to feel sorry for yourself, wondering why this lot in life is yours. I do feel like mental illness/psychological issues are some of the most difficult to deal with as far as special needs are concerned. Not that it's a contest, but it's hard when there's so little positive feedback, no sweet kisses or happy smiles or moments of kindness to keep you going. I do have one other neurotypical child who gives that positive feedback on a regular basis, and I am always amazed at how little it takes from him in terms of a hug or bit of silliness to sustain me for hours and to get me through a tough spot.

I hope you hang in there and do see that glimmer of hope. Try to take some moments for yourself when you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should go to a group home?

Group homes are for kids who are wards of the state. Unless I wanted to sign him over to the state (which I will NEVER do), he wouldn't go to a group home.

Why not? My BIL is in a home. Schizophrenic. Better than being on the streets. I don't know what kind of mental illness your son has. Is there hope for improvement? Or will he get worse? What does he do during the day? You said he can be violent. Please tell me he is not in public school.

[Anonymous]

Excellent book. Please get this and read:

http://www.amazon.com/Before-Its-Too-Late-Trouble--/dp/0812930657/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399075206&sr=1-1&keywords=before+it+is+too+late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should go to a group home?

Group homes are for kids who are wards of the state. Unless I wanted to sign him over to the state (which I will NEVER do), he wouldn't go to a group home.

Why not? My BIL is in a home. Schizophrenic. Better than being on the streets. I don't know what kind of mental illness your son has. Is there hope for improvement? Or will he get worse? What does he do during the day? You said he can be violent. Please tell me he is not in public school.

No, he's not in public school. He's in a special needs school for kids like him. He's only 11. I'm assuming your BIL is an adult. If my son is this way or worse as an adult then maybe he will live in a home, but I'm not willing to sign over my parental rights to the state to have him in some group home where only-God-knows-what is happening to him.