DD experienced racism in the classroom. How to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an AA mother who's about to send my DC off to college, I'm torn.

My knee-jerk reaction? You and your daughter need to get a grip! She's in COLLEGE now and considered an adult. She should not be reporting that she got her feelings hurt by an insensitive comment to Mommy. And Mommy should not be pulling the "MY daughter! My dime!" foolishness that doesn't even go over well when our kids are in HS.

Now might be a good time for DD to learn/DM to teach that the world is filled with crass people who make crass, rude comments that you won't like. Your choices are to:1) GROW UP AND DEAL! Perhaps (learn to) give a snappy comeback and keep it moving. (Angered to the point of shaking????) OR 2)GET A THICKER SKIN.

What happens when she's on the public bus or walking down the street and someone makes a racist comment. Who's she going to report it to?

Then 10% of me thinks Yeah, it's bad enough you'll have to face jerks and their comments in the real world but such comments have no place in certain settings: school, workplace, etc.

I'm going to go with the 90% of me that thinks DD needs to learn to deal and self-advocate. This could mean talking to the professor directly and calling him out on his behavior. Or perhaps even going into the next class--much calmer--raise her hand and say, "I'd just like to address that comment that was made yesterday about black men...I found the comment to be....(fill in the blank)".

Is she going to transfer a 2nd time WHEN (not "if") she hears another unkind remark?

Are you kidding me? Of course people should try to complain or raise awareness when others make racist comments!! Otherwise nothing will change. The question is, how should op do this without it hurting her?

I am a white liberal who likes to consider myself not racist. That said, I've said stuff that I've later learned through racial sensitivity workshops or convos I shouldn't have said. Like asking questions about African Americans' hair or something. If I said something or reacted in a way others found offensive and I was a teacher, I think I'd prefer the student tell me so I could change. Maybe do it in a way that is not angry. Like in an email, or go to office hours, and say, "I just want you to be aware that I found the comments and subsequent laughter in class (describe incident) to be disturbing, offensive, and racist. Allowing such comments and behaviors creates a poor learning environment for minority students and also sends a message to white students that such behavior is acceptable, when it is not."

The question is, should she wait till her grade is in to do this, or do it now? I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an AA mother who's about to send my DC off to college, I'm torn.

My knee-jerk reaction? You and your daughter need to get a grip! She's in COLLEGE now and considered an adult. She should not be reporting that she got her feelings hurt by an insensitive comment to Mommy. And Mommy should not be pulling the "MY daughter! My dime!" foolishness that doesn't even go over well when our kids are in HS.

Now might be a good time for DD to learn/DM to teach that the world is filled with crass people who make crass, rude comments that you won't like. Your choices are to:1) GROW UP AND DEAL! Perhaps (learn to) give a snappy comeback and keep it moving. (Angered to the point of shaking????) OR 2)GET A THICKER SKIN.

What happens when she's on the public bus or walking down the street and someone makes a racist comment. Who's she going to report it to?

Then 10% of me thinks Yeah, it's bad enough you'll have to face jerks and their comments in the real world but such comments have no place in certain settings: school, workplace, etc.

I'm going to go with the 90% of me that thinks DD needs to learn to deal and self-advocate. This could mean talking to the professor directly and calling him out on his behavior. Or perhaps even going into the next class--much calmer--raise her hand and say, "I'd just like to address that comment that was made yesterday about black men...I found the comment to be....(fill in the blank)".

Is she going to transfer a 2nd time WHEN (not "if") she hears another unkind remark?

Are you kidding me? Of course people should try to complain or raise awareness when others make racist comments!! Otherwise nothing will change. The question is, how should op do this without it hurting her?

I am a white liberal who likes to consider myself not racist. That said, I've said stuff that I've later learned through racial sensitivity workshops or convos I shouldn't have said. Like asking questions about African Americans' hair or something. If I said something or reacted in a way others found offensive and I was a teacher, I think I'd prefer the student tell me so I could change. Maybe do it in a way that is not angry. Like in an email, or go to office hours, and say, "I just want you to be aware that I found the comments and subsequent laughter in class (describe incident) to be disturbing, offensive, and racist. Allowing such comments and behaviors creates a poor learning environment for minority students and also sends a message to white students that such behavior is acceptable, when it is not."

The question is, should she wait till her grade is in to do this, or do it now? I'm not sure.

Oops, I missed the ending of pp's comments. I was responding more to her original reaction. I think her ending suggestions are good.

[Anonymous]

I believe that there is a lot more tolerance of racism and bigotry in college classrooms than would ever be allowed to slide in a public secondary school. In general, there's a lot of professor misbehavior. One of my professors who was a newspaper journalist wrote about me in an article without my permission after I came to him in confidence to explain I'd missed 3 classes because of being morning sick while having an unplanned pregnancy. He didn't use my name, but he described my physical appearance and made references to the dates of the absences. Since reading that newspaper daily was a curse requirement, many guys in the class made disgusting comments to me the next day. When I confronted the professor, he first denied it was me and then said it didn't matter since I'd be dropping out of the major if not college soon! Of course, I went to the dean. The dean told me that I was over-reacting. This was before sexual harrassment was really discussed so I felt I had no recourse but to sit through class for the rest of the semester with guys who drew sperm on my desk before I arrived or asked if my boobs had milk yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an AA mother who's about to send my DC off to college, I'm torn.

My knee-jerk reaction? You and your daughter need to get a grip! She's in COLLEGE now and considered an adult. She should not be reporting that she got her feelings hurt by an insensitive comment to Mommy. And Mommy should not be pulling the "MY daughter! My dime!" foolishness that doesn't even go over well when our kids are in HS.

Now might be a good time for DD to learn/DM to teach that the world is filled with crass people who make crass, rude comments that you won't like. Your choices are to:1) GROW UP AND DEAL! Perhaps (learn to) give a snappy comeback and keep it moving. (Angered to the point of shaking????) OR 2)GET A THICKER SKIN.

What happens when she's on the public bus or walking down the street and someone makes a racist comment. Who's she going to report it to?

Then 10% of me thinks Yeah, it's bad enough you'll have to face jerks and their comments in the real world but such comments have no place in certain settings: school, workplace, etc.

I'm going to go with the 90% of me that thinks DD needs to learn to deal and self-advocate. This could mean talking to the professor directly and calling him out on his behavior. Or perhaps even going into the next class--much calmer--raise her hand and say, "I'd just like to address that comment that was made yesterday about black men...I found the comment to be....(fill in the blank)".

Is she going to transfer a 2nd time WHEN (not "if") she hears another unkind remark?

Are you kidding me? Of course people should try to complain or raise awareness when others make racist comments!! Otherwise nothing will change. The question is, how should op do this without it hurting her?

I am a white liberal who likes to consider myself not racist. That said, I've said stuff that I've later learned through racial sensitivity workshops or convos I shouldn't have said. Like asking questions about African Americans' hair or something. If I said something or reacted in a way others found offensive and I was a teacher, I think I'd prefer the student tell me so I could change. Maybe do it in a way that is not angry. Like in an email, or go to office hours, and say, "I just want you to be aware that I found the comments and subsequent laughter in class (describe incident) to be disturbing, offensive, and racist. Allowing such comments and behaviors creates a poor learning environment for minority students and also sends a message to white students that such behavior is acceptable, when it is not."

The question is, should she wait till her grade is in to do this, or do it now? I'm not sure.

Exactly. I agree with all of this (except I'm not white).

This PP's suggestions are good. To suggest that the OP's daughter should just deal with this is ridiculous. In one of my English classes, a classroom discussion led to the mocking a certain religion. I'm not religious, but found the discussion and subsequent laughter offensive. I sent an email to the professor about it afterward and the topic was addressed in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an AA mother who's about to send my DC off to college, I'm torn.

My knee-jerk reaction? You and your daughter need to get a grip! She's in COLLEGE now and considered an adult. She should not be reporting that she got her feelings hurt by an insensitive comment to Mommy. And Mommy should not be pulling the "MY daughter! My dime!" foolishness that doesn't even go over well when our kids are in HS.

Now might be a good time for DD to learn/DM to teach that the world is filled with crass people who make crass, rude comments that you won't like. Your choices are to:1) GROW UP AND DEAL! Perhaps (learn to) give a snappy comeback and keep it moving. (Angered to the point of shaking????) OR 2)GET A THICKER SKIN.

What happens when she's on the public bus or walking down the street and someone makes a racist comment. Who's she going to report it to?

Then 10% of me thinks Yeah, it's bad enough you'll have to face jerks and their comments in the real world but such comments have no place in certain settings: school, workplace, etc.

I'm going to go with the 90% of me that thinks DD needs to learn to deal and self-advocate. This could mean talking to the professor directly and calling him out on his behavior. Or perhaps even going into the next class--much calmer--raise her hand and say, "I'd just like to address that comment that was made yesterday about black men...I found the comment to be....(fill in the blank)".

Is she going to transfer a 2nd time WHEN (not "if") she hears another unkind remark?

I agree with this sensible approach, and hope you consider it, OP. As someone who's dealt with her fair share of comments that are insensitive and worse about my challenging life circumstances, my responses have been similar to what you describe about your and your daughter's reactions, and those responses have absolutely not served me well. This isn't just a matter of being pragmatic. In hindsight, I see that my reactions did the opposite of empowering me. If you want to empower your daughter, I think PP's advice gives you a good starting point.

Count me in for this approach, too.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your daughter could seek the help of the black student caucus or diversity affairs or wahteber entity is there for the support and empowerment of minority students? She could at least find a safe place to vent and talk options.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the great feedback.

My daughter is naturally an introvert wall-flower type. She avoids confrontation, so addressing this in that moment would not have happened. She's 18, so I don't expect her to react as I would when faced with racist remarks. Indeed, this year has been a learning experience for her. She's now taking the attitude that she doesn't want to befriend white people because she thinks they secretively feel this way about her and I don't want that. I want her to have diversity in her friends, but this year seems to be having the opposite effect.

I will speak with her and really push for her to contact the Professor during office hours and express her concerns. I would greatly prefer she address it in class, but I know that her personality won't allow it. I will ask that she consider it, though. I agree that this is a learning moment for her and I'd prefer that she resolve this on her own, but if she'd rather drop it, I may step in and email the Dean.

[Anonymous]

Is this comment from a student as offensive as black professors who make a point of disparaging "dead white males" in front of the white students in their classes? My DS told me that's what one of his professors did and that it made him feel unwelcome in her class, as if she felt white males could safely be mocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the great feedback.

My daughter is naturally an introvert wall-flower type. She avoids confrontation, so addressing this in that moment would not have happened. She's 18, so I don't expect her to react as I would when faced with racist remarks. Indeed, this year has been a learning experience for her. She's now taking the attitude that she doesn't want to befriend white people because she thinks they secretively feel this way about her and I don't want that. I want her to have diversity in her friends, but this year seems to be having the opposite effect.

I will speak with her and really push for her to contact the Professor during office hours and express her concerns. I would greatly prefer she address it in class, but I know that her personality won't allow it. I will ask that she consider it, though. I agree that this is a learning moment for her and I'd prefer that she resolve this on her own, but if she'd rather drop it, I may step in and email the Dean.

I can empathize with your struggle to let go and let your daughter handle the situation entirely on her own. I'm a control freak like you, OP, and your posts provide interesting perspective for me - especially the bolded portion - regarding my similarly-controlling tendencies.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell the Dean of the particular college. Give him or her the chance to rectify the situation. If nothing happens, I'd go to the school paper and Twitter. Nothing like negative PR on blast to get results fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, that's an insane comment. I would guide your daughter in taking action. I agree with some PPs that this is not about what you're paying for. This is real life. There are racists everywhere. I'm floored that the professor didn't set everyone straight as soon as that comment was made. Take action, and your daughter is learning some valuable lessons about the world.

FWIW, I went to school in the deep south and didn't hear racists comments, but heard plenty of misogynistic ones. I was stupid enough to make a homophobic one myself. Rest assured, I have ceased to be a bigot (well, we all are, but I work hard to not be every day).

[Anonymous]

You don't do anything, OP. Your daughter is an adult and needs to handle things like this on her own. What you can do is offer support and talk with her about the different ways she might address what happened.

[Anonymous]

Find out if the college has an omsbudsperson, if so the omsbudsperson is a neutral party who can help your daughter figure out what actions are open to her and how she would like to proceed.

As an academic, I do think the professor was wrong. A college classroom is not the comment section of the WaPo, it is a controlled environment in which the instructor is responsible for making sure all students have the opportunity to learn. Allowing a hostile environment (and I would say that derogatory comments about people of a particular racial or ethnic or racial group is hostile) in the classroom does not meet that standard.

The professor need not make a huge deal over the comment. She may have spoken to the shouter privately, but certainly if she didn't address the comment in the moment, she should have taken some time at the beginning of the next class to remind students of the ethical standards of the classroom.

[Anonymous]

I would be on the phone with the school immediately. This is outrageous and should not be tolerated at all. I guess my daughter would be furious with me, but I would not let this pass. Professors should know better.

[Anonymous]

While you and your daughter are absolutely right, I would not say anything and get through the class and then complain after she gets her grade. I had an issue in a class and complained and when it didn't work, went over the professors head (safety issue, not comments I did not agree with) and while the other professor got me out of the situation (internship), it followed me until I graduated. That professor and a few others treated me very poorly. It sucks, but in the real world things happen. Tell her not all white people feel that way, but she isn't going to change a racist, especially in that environment. I'd encourage her to transfer to a more diverse school that is more welcoming. (P.S. my child is adopted and I'd tell her the same thing if there were adoption comments - some situations I would speak up but not in a situation like this). It is good to advocate for yourself but in this situation you cannot change crazy.