Questions for those of you having affairs...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

Just cause you wanna fuck someone else that don't mean you wanna be with em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They lie and cheat in secret because they are low life pieces of shit.

+1

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

Just cause you wanna fuck someone else that don't mean you wanna be with em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

You are making one big leap. Divorce - or breaking up- is crushing anyways. In my view, you are saying that the options are break up b/c of affair or stay married. It is a false choice. If my DH said to me "I am having a affair, I want out," it would impact me that same as if he said "I am not seeing anyone but this is not working for me-I want out." It is the 'I want out" that would throw me - it does not matter why. How would you feel if DH said "I am not seeing anyone but we are sexually incombatible. I want out so that I can get my needs met without guilt." Would that make you feel better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

Because you don't "want a relationship with them." It's just sex. Don't be crushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

You are making one big leap. Divorce - or breaking up- is crushing anyways. In my view, you are saying that the options are break up b/c of affair or stay married. It is a false choice. If my DH said to me "I am having a affair, I want out," it would impact me that same as if he said "I am not seeing anyone but this is not working for me-I want out." It is the 'I want out" that would throw me - it does not matter why. How would you feel if DH said "I am not seeing anyone but we are sexually incombatible. I want out so that I can get my needs met without guilt." Would that make you feel better?

NP here, I think the point OP was trying to make is that yes, ending a relationship is crushing. But when you catch someone having an affair it re-writes the history, instead of just losing the relationship as it is now, you lose the memory of what it was because, what was real? What was a lie? Were you ever happy? Go and read the Open Relationship thread in explicit- it is WAY worse that his wife basically admits to never loving him and lying all this time as opposed to falling out of love over time, one can be seen as a natural progression- the other someone is having their entire world turned upside down- that is why it is way worse than the cheating itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

You are making one big leap. Divorce - or breaking up- is crushing anyways. In my view, you are saying that the options are break up b/c of affair or stay married. It is a false choice. If my DH said to me "I am having a affair, I want out," it would impact me that same as if he said "I am not seeing anyone but this is not working for me-I want out." It is the 'I want out" that would throw me - it does not matter why. How would you feel if DH said "I am not seeing anyone but we are sexually incombatible. I want out so that I can get my needs met without guilt." Would that make you feel better?

OP here. I am sure divorce is hard anyway you look at it whether it involves adultery or not. So yes, it would make it sting a bit less if we talked about divorcing prior to him screwing someone behind my back. We could both be mature about it and if we wanted out, discuss it and get out. Then go screw who you want when you want with or without having relationships with them (pp). Maybe I didn't feel like we were sexually compatible as well, who knows. My point is why not just get some balls and say I'm not happy, I want out? Why lie and screw around behind someone's back? At least get separated.

For the record, not that it matters, my dh is not screwing around that I know of. I am just aghast at all of the affair posts and want to know why? Why are people so incredibly selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

You are making one big leap. Divorce - or breaking up- is crushing anyways. In my view, you are saying that the options are break up b/c of affair or stay married. It is a false choice. If my DH said to me "I am having a affair, I want out," it would impact me that same as if he said "I am not seeing anyone but this is not working for me-I want out." It is the 'I want out" that would throw me - it does not matter why. How would you feel if DH said "I am not seeing anyone but we are sexually incombatible. I want out so that I can get my needs met without guilt." Would that make you feel better?

OP here. I am sure divorce is hard anyway you look at it whether it involves adultery or not. So yes, it would make it sting a bit less if we talked about divorcing prior to him screwing someone behind my back. We could both be mature about it and if we wanted out, discuss it and get out. Then go screw who you want when you want with or without having relationships with them (pp). Maybe I didn't feel like we were sexually compatible as well, who knows. My point is why not just get some balls and say I'm not happy, I want out? Why lie and screw around behind someone's back? At least get separated.

For the record, not that it matters, my dh is not screwing around that I know of. I am just aghast at all of the affair posts and want to know why? Why are people so incredibly selfish?

What is the "selfish" part? Someone having an affair or the person hiding it?

IMO, some affairs are understandable. Divorce is not always a viable option and there a lot of couples who do not work to keep a connection with each other. My best friend was floored that her DH had an affair (he confessed before she found out). Yet, she rarely had sex with him and they rarely spent any quality time together as a couple despite the fact that her DH pleaded for years for them to have a more connected relationship. Once kid responsibilities were done, rather than spend time with him, she became involved in other activities (PTA, gym, etc.). He had an affair with a woman he dated before my friend came along. She was surprised and we (her circle of friends) had to truthfully admit that we were not. They have forgiven each other and are in the process of trying to work it out. My point is that he was VERY selfish - but so was she. He was a cheat and she took her DH and marriage for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

Because you don't "want a relationship with them." It's just sex. Don't be crushed.

It really shouldn't be about "what you want." It should be about what duty you owe your spouse before you fuck around on them -- regardless of what you *want*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

You are making one big leap. Divorce - or breaking up- is crushing anyways. In my view, you are saying that the options are break up b/c of affair or stay married. It is a false choice. If my DH said to me "I am having a affair, I want out," it would impact me that same as if he said "I am not seeing anyone but this is not working for me-I want out." It is the 'I want out" that would throw me - it does not matter why. How would you feel if DH said "I am not seeing anyone but we are sexually incombatible. I want out so that I can get my needs met without guilt." Would that make you feel better?

OP here. I am sure divorce is hard anyway you look at it whether it involves adultery or not. So yes, it would make it sting a bit less if we talked about divorcing prior to him screwing someone behind my back. We could both be mature about it and if we wanted out, discuss it and get out. Then go screw who you want when you want with or without having relationships with them (pp). Maybe I didn't feel like we were sexually compatible as well, who knows. My point is why not just get some balls and say I'm not happy, I want out? Why lie and screw around behind someone's back? At least get separated.

For the record, not that it matters, my dh is not screwing around that I know of. I am just aghast at all of the affair posts and want to know why? Why are people so incredibly selfish?

What is the "selfish" part? Someone having an affair or the person hiding it?

IMO, some affairs are understandable. Divorce is not always a viable option and there a lot of couples who do not work to keep a connection with each other. My best friend was floored that her DH had an affair (he confessed before she found out). Yet, she rarely had sex with him and they rarely spent any quality time together as a couple despite the fact that her DH pleaded for years for them to have a more connected relationship. Once kid responsibilities were done, rather than spend time with him, she became involved in other activities (PTA, gym, etc.). He had an affair with a woman he dated before my friend came along. She was surprised and we (her circle of friends) had to truthfully admit that we were not. They have forgiven each other and are in the process of trying to work it out. My point is that he was VERY selfish - but so was she. He was a cheat and she took her DH and marriage for granted.

This. It is selfish, but usually when people cheat it's because needs are not being met in the marriage. A lot of people post about their reasons, and they say they love their spouse, they love their kids, their home life, it's just the sex that's a problem. So why ruin a life because of that.

And with regard to duty, anyone who withholds sex from their spouse more than once in awhile is also breaking a vow. Like in the example above, the wife was also breaking a vow she made to love. She was neglecting her husband.

[Anonymous]

When someone breaks their duty to you, it doesn't give you the right to selectively break your duty to them. It gives you the right to terminate the relationship or, alternatively, to waive the breach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone breaks their duty to you, it doesn't give you the right to selectively break your duty to them. It gives you the right to terminate the relationship or, alternatively, to waive the breach.

I agree with you, I was just pointing out the other side of the story, that duties had been breached on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone breaks their duty to you, it doesn't give you the right to selectively break your duty to them. It gives you the right to terminate the relationship or, alternatively, to waive the breach.

That's "in a perect world" stuff. All you have to do is read DCUM and you know if a DH (who was not cheating) terminated his mariage because he was not getting sex, he would get almost as much heat as if he cheated. Personally, I think a lot of men are cowards for NOT leaving, but they will get blamed even then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone breaks their duty to you, it doesn't give you the right to selectively break your duty to them. It gives you the right to terminate the relationship or, alternatively, to waive the breach.

That's "in a perect world" stuff. All you have to do is read DCUM and you know if a DH (who was not cheating) terminated his mariage because he was not getting sex, he would get almost as much heat as if he cheated. Personally, I think a lot of men are cowards for NOT leaving, but they will get blamed even then.

It is easy to judge when you are on the outside looking in with out knowing all of the details. I am a DH that has become involved in a relationship with another married women. We are each other's best friends and share everything with each other. When we have good or bad news we are the first person on each other's list to call. We communicate with each other better than we do with our spouses..

We both are in lonely marriages. Our respective spouses are not there for us. If we could find a ways to get divorced and married to each our kids.. We would do it in a heart beat.other without hurting

[Anonymous]

For some people it's a black and white issue. For others it's not. Neither will be able to see eye to eye. I have no interest in leaving my husband or being in a relationship with someone else. Sometimes sex is just sex. But I get that not everyone is like that.