Questions for those of you having affairs...

[Anonymous]

Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever? Even if your significant other will never find out, why not just be honest and end the relationship with your SO before cheating? I am asking sincerely and honestly want to know what your reason of thinking or lack thereof may be. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Because we have a don't ask/don't tell policy. He wants to pretend in his mind that I'm loyal. I want to have a satisfying sex life which he will not provide.

[Anonymous]

They lie and cheat in secret because they are low life pieces of shit.

[Anonymous]

They want to have it all.

[Anonymous]

Inertia.

[Anonymous]

Adds to te excitement I assume.

[Anonymous]

I think they like the security and perks of being married but are lackng something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They lie and cheat in secret because they are low life pieces of shit.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They want to have it all.

+1

I would say they want only the good, not the bad or boring parts. I am guessing that cheaters don't help with the household chores and with kids (it would be impossible to have a full time job and see AP while being an active participant in the home.

[Anonymous]

"I am guessing that cheaters don't help with the household chores and with kids (it would be impossible to have a full time job and see AP while being an active participant in the home. "

That's why lunch hour affairs are so popular. And errands, store runs, etc., quickies.

[Anonymous]

Much cheaper to keep the wife than to divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they like the security and perks of being married but are lackng something.

This was my dad. He wanted the socially acceptable wife AND a good time girl. He ended up with a secret family. I love my half-brother but wish my dad had kept it in his pants.

[Anonymous]

Because I hate confrontation. Not currently harming an affair, but speaking from prior experience.

[Anonymous]

Because most people who resort to having affairs are cowards. They want the best of both worlds. They are selfish. They want someone to be at home every night, to cuddle with every night. To cook for them. Clean for them. Pay the bills. Wash their underwear. Whatever. They also want their side dish for fun whenever the need arises. They like the stability and comfort of a marriage and the spontaneity and excitement that an affair offers. Deep down they know it cannot go on forever, and that they will end up hurting someone really bad, but they try not to think about it or maybe they just don't care as long as their own needs come first. Either way, they are afraid to be alone so they like to have a back-up in case on relationship fails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you lie about or hide it? Why don't you just tell you significant other that you met someone else and want a relationship with them before you crush someone forever?

I see, so you are saying that if you just tell them up front that you met someone else and are leaving them, it won't hurt - it's just the lie that hurts? What a lot of deluded BS.

I had an affair once, after 10+ years of a crappy sex life with a wife who always wanted/expected me to jump through just a few more hoops, always dangling a carrot that things would change and never delivering. After a while I realized I was the chump, and I was wasting away my best years.

I do agree that it was pure cowardice - I was afraid of setting off the shitstorm that followed saying "I want to sleep with other people"; an open-relationship was completely off the table, but either way, it would have spelled the end of the relationship: divorce in name or just in practice. I should have just pulled the pin and grenaded that relationship even quicker, because you know what? She was in horrible pain over the breakup - she never caught me having the affair. I would have avoided the guilt and the shitty feeling about sneaking around. No, it did not hurt her any less to be told "I'm leaving because our life (and the sex was emblematic) sucks". She got real serious about making some changes - taking my concerns seriously - right after I said cya.

Anyway: Divorce is a huge step. Breaking up a marriage, especially a longer-term marriage (or one with kids) has huge financial and emotional implications. If it's only one part that isn't working for you, the temptation to not thrown the baby out with the bathwater is tough. This is especially true for men, for whom sex can be just about a short-term gratification and not tied up with being in love. For most men, being in love with and devoted emotionally to just one woman is in no way really incompatible with fucking a random stranger you find attractive. Most women want (or say they want and behave accordingly) emotional intimacy, with the physical act being just an extension of this. The implications of a woman having an affair are of much more significance in the context of the overall health of the emotional bond than with men.