Religious relatives won't leave my kids alone - it's getting hard to be calm about it

[Anonymous]

I think it's really important for kids to have a basic understanding of some of the larger/more influential belief systems they will come across. I'm an atheist, and I give my kids as much background as I can on various beliefs as they come across them. What is God? Well, Christians believe this, Hindus believe this, etc. I give them various examples, a mini religious education, when the questions come up. If you tackle it from an academic perspective they are more likely to do the same. They will learn that there are alternatives to your relatives' beliefs; LOTS of alternatives, and it can all be very interesting. Flood them with as many different examples as they will take interest in, and answer their questions about your beliefs openly.

I have relatives who are religious, but not pushy, and it doesn't bother me in the least when the grandparents take my son to church once a year (mainly to show him off to their friends) while he stays with them. If they were pushy, however, I would let them know kindly that I do not want my kids to be indoctrinated in any way because they are too young to understand what's going on. If they want to investigate religion on their own terms when they are older so be it. Until then, I will take exception to anyone who presents to them religious beliefs as truths that they should believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important for kids to have a basic understanding of some of the larger/more influential belief systems they will come across. I'm an atheist, and I give my kids as much background as I can on various beliefs as they come across them. What is God? Well, Christians believe this, Hindus believe this, etc. I give them various examples, a mini religious education, when the questions come up. If you tackle it from an academic perspective they are more likely to do the same. They will learn that there are alternatives to your relatives' beliefs; LOTS of alternatives, and it can all be very interesting. Flood them with as many different examples as they will take interest in, and answer their questions about your beliefs openly.

I have relatives who are religious, but not pushy, and it doesn't bother me in the least when the grandparents take my son to church once a year (mainly to show him off to their friends) while he stays with them. If they were pushy, however, I would let them know kindly that I do not want my kids to be indoctrinated in any way because they are too young to understand what's going on. If they want to investigate religion on their own terms when they are older so be it. Until then, I will take exception to anyone who presents to them religious beliefs as truths that they should believe.

Well put!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be open about your beliefs and make it clear to SIL/BIl that you don't judge or comment on how they choose to raise their kids so they need to stay out of your child rearing decisions. How would they feel if you took their kids to a gay pride parade? That is tantamount to what they did to your kids by telling them they need to be saved

Stand up for what you believe in!

[Anonymous]

OP here, I get what you mean about the gay pride parade, but somehow this is different. I mean, if you thought you had the cure for cancer, you would be buttonholing people in the street, and that is the way they feel. I just can't see a way out of this that isn't going to end up in tears. I mean, telling them to stop this crap, is like telling them to stop being themselves.

I am older than my brother and his wife, and I feel protective of them, but ARGGGHHHH! How do you get people that are that committed to separate their beliefs from the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I get what you mean about the gay pride parade, but somehow this is different. I mean, if you thought you had the cure for cancer, you would be buttonholing people in the street, and that is the way they feel. I just can't see a way out of this that isn't going to end up in tears. I mean, telling them to stop this crap, is like telling them to stop being themselves.

I am older than my brother and his wife, and I feel protective of them, but ARGGGHHHH! How do you get people that are that committed to separate their beliefs from the family?

I think you need a two-pronged approach. You need to talk to your kids about religion, specifically what they are hearing from your relatives and how those beliefs differ from your own, and you need to talk to the worst of your proselytizing relatives. It may be difficult, but they need to know that you do not share their beliefs and that you do not want them attempting to convert your children. If you don't feel like you can do that then you should either up your ante with your kids' religious education (and by that I mean educating them about various religions, the methods some people will use to try to convert them, and generally giving them some kind of defense mechanism to deal with what your relatives are throwing at them), or just hand over the reins to your relatives and let them take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We lived 10 hours away from the rest of my family up until last year. My husband and I are agnostic, and my side of the family is deeply religious Christian Conservative, climate change denial, homophobic, you name it. I love them though, and they are great to my children. My brother and his wife were transferred to Fort Belvoir last year though, and it is getting very tiresome. My husband and I have never told them what our personal beliefs were, we have never taken our children to church (obviously) and as my children are older - 11 and 13 and theirs are 5 and 9, we have been careful not to discuss religion at all in front of any of them.

Now they are living here. My SIL is homeschooling for religious reasons and I know she wonders why I subject my children the dangers of public school. She is too nice to say it directly, but she now wants to pray before family meals, she offers to take my children to church with them on Saturday and Sunday (so that my husband and I can have private time), and I came home to find religious magnets on my refrigerator. While we were visiting them in their new house last weekend she took the kids outside to plant some seeds - harmless right - while I was in the house painting the kitchen. On the way home my oldest asked me if I was ready to accept Jesus because otherwise we were all going to hell, and he would be so sad if I went to hell.

I really don't appreciate this. I know if I bring it up then I am going to come out with my own beliefs, which will lead to tears and more prayer on their part. My husband says that I should just tell her and my brother to cool it with the "Jesus stuff" and let it go.

For some reason it is making me so mad I can barely sleep.

So in other words you're willing to give yourself a hernia and compromise the personal ethics/beliefs that you've tried to instill in your own children all in the interest of being nice to family
LOL - shit you like Jesus himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you might also need to consider the possibility that one or both of your kids might be longing for a more tangible form of spirituality than they've been exposed to up to now.
If it were me, I'd be less concerned about Christianity than the particular "brand" of it that your relatives are espousing.
You can be a Christian and not be homophobic or deny climate change. Perhaps you need to start more directly engaging your children on these topics. Also, you could offer to take your children to a more liberal/progressive attitude.
Right now, your children are only be offered two choices: your agnostic choice and the relatives conservative "Christianity" (yes I put that in quotes because I don't think that brand of Christianity is in reality "what Jesus would do".
You need to offer them more exposure to more options.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd draw the line at prayer before meals in my own home - fine in their home. Just tell them (they probably know already).

I'm an atheist but I wouldn't have a problem if my sister-in-law wanted to bring before her meal in my home. I mean, we would hold a moment of silence when she could do a silent prayer.

I think it's respectful.

[Anonymous]

Dude, your brother and SIL may indeed cry over this, but, pardon the pun, that is their cross to bear for having these beliefs. Tough shit, they need to learn that their feelings are not the only ones that matter.

BTDT with some of my own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are getting frustrated because your SIL is not reading your mind. You are in the wrong here. She is just going about life as she believes and including your kids in that. You've said NOTHING to make her think any of this is wrong.

Really, you are angry at yourself, because you're not sticking up for your beliefs. You are your own problem.

No, she is getting frustrated because her SIL is telling her children frightening pretend stories and trying to convince them that the fairytales are real. That there really is a boogeyman to be afraid of - Satan, or Hell.

OP you need to protect your children. What would you do if your SIL sincerely believed there was a monster under the bed that would eat your kid if you child didn't wear purple pajamas every night? Would you tolerate her trying to convince your kid of that?

The attempt to brainwash ends or your kids don't see them anymore. You owe it to your kids to protect them. Your child should not be living in fear of Hell. I would be FURIOUS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the harm in your children accepting god. If you want to go to hell that's your choice but to make your children burn in hell is another story. Op you are the problem. Why have children if you don't want them to live forever and be saved.

Why let your kids believe someone who is trying to scare them into their religion? No-one is going to burn in hell here ... that's my understanding based on the facts we know of. You believe what you like, but stop scaring other people's kids.

If you do not believe in god and accept god how can you be saved? The opposite of heaven is hell. Yes op and her children should be scared of hell. But thankfully we have a loving god who wants deeply for us all to be saved. It's not to late op to save yourself and your family. God loves you.

Yes, this god is so loving that if you reject him, he sends you to an eternity of hellfire and damnation.

In human terms, that would be like being shot by a rejected suitor. It happens occasionally, but everyone knows it's wrong.

But I know -- God is not human and works in mysterious ways -- which he wrote down in a book, many years ago and which we must believe, because, otherwise we go to hell, much to God's dismay. But hey, them's the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, your brother and SIL may indeed cry over this, but, pardon the pun, that is their cross to bear for having these beliefs. Tough shit, they need to learn that their feelings are not the only ones that matter.

BTDT with some of my own family.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the harm in your children accepting god. If you want to go to hell that's your choice but to make your children burn in hell is another story. Op you are the problem. Why have children if you don't want them to live forever and be saved.

troll or sarcastic PP

funny response, however

I chuckled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the harm in your children accepting god. If you want to go to hell that's your choice but to make your children burn in hell is another story. Op you are the problem. Why have children if you don't want them to live forever and be saved.

troll or sarcastic PP

funny response, however

I chuckled.

I figured it was that wiley atheist, trying to make believers look bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important for kids to have a basic understanding of some of the larger/more influential belief systems they will come across. I'm an atheist, and I give my kids as much background as I can on various beliefs as they come across them. What is God? Well, Christians believe this, Hindus believe this, etc. I give them various examples, a mini religious education, when the questions come up. If you tackle it from an academic perspective they are more likely to do the same. They will learn that there are alternatives to your relatives' beliefs; LOTS of alternatives, and it can all be very interesting. Flood them with as many different examples as they will take interest in, and answer their questions about your beliefs openly.

I have relatives who are religious, but not pushy, and it doesn't bother me in the least when the grandparents take my son to church once a year (mainly to show him off to their friends) while he stays with them. If they were pushy, however, I would let them know kindly that I do not want my kids to be indoctrinated in any way because they are too young to understand what's going on. If they want to investigate religion on their own terms when they are older so be it. Until then, I will take exception to anyone who presents to them religious beliefs as truths that they should believe.

This is why DH and I chose to raise our family in the Unitarian-Universalist faith. They get religious education in understanding some of the beliefs of other people, a good grounding in ethics, and are encouraged to find their own path.

Plus, for "grace" we say "Want what you have, do what you can and be who you are", we hold hands while we are doing it. It helps temper moods that are brought to the table and creates a nice atmosphere for us to talk about our day during the meal (which doesn't last more than 15 minutes usually).