Child custody questions if DH and I are both dead

[Anonymous]

OP it really doesn't sound like either option is good at all. Your parents sound like they are too old and his parents sound too mean (although you don't like them so we are only getting your side). I understand that the parent issues is causing issues in your own relationship, but please put that aside and instead think of your children. They will be dealing with the devastation of losing both their parents, can you imagine how they'd feel if they are then dragged out in a custody battle between grandparents? Talk about a terrible situation for the children.

Do you really have no friends or family friends you could ask? I get that your situation might be weird regarding your family, but don't you have any close friends? DH and I are the designated guardians for 2 different couples.

I just think you and DH need to stop being so stubborn about the situation and try to think of what is best for the children.

Also it sounds like some counseling could help in general. Not necessarily for this one issue, but for all the issues that are making this one such a huge problem.

[Anonymous]

Just an aside, but you are far more likely to die together in a car than on a plane.

Agree with PPs that you should let the courts decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an aside, but you are far more likely to die together in a car than on a plane.

Agree with PPs that you should let the courts decide.

I really don't agree with letting the courts decide. I find it hard to believe OP has NO ONE else in her life, friend, etc who would agree to custody in the very unlikely event that she and her husband die.

Do PPs really not see how traumatizing letting the courts decide would be to teh children? Let's say parents die in a car crash. This means that while the children are grieving, coping with the loss, etc., they are taken into foster care and then become subjected to their grandparents fighting for them (and from the way op talks it sounds like it will be pretty nasty). This whole situation would be terrible to put the children through.

[Anonymous]

You don't think these GPs will take any "friend" guardian designation to court!

[Anonymous]

OP, our friends died in a car accident leaving behind two kids, no will, and difficult parents on both sides. One family has money the other doesn't; the kids knew the family with little money best. We were all really worried about the kids, but you know what the families are really pulling together. I think they're so thankful that the grandkids are alive, that they're making it work. The one family is taking them all on vacation to get a way as they've all struggled figuring out kids' schedules, bank accounts, funerals, etc.

Don't forget the money you will leave the kids per the house equity and insurance. You and your DH need to sit both parents down together and talk to them about the "what happens." Maybe one set of parents are unwilling to do it, so you will have your answer; but you can't know until you ask. We have a provision in ours, and have talked to the named guardians, that when our kids get older that we've provided boarding school for them. I would definitely not leave it up to the courts. You need to have a document with all accounts and passwords where they can be found. When you are drawing up a will, they will determine who died first, so if you both have something different, it may well be left to police to determine who died first.

Just find a way for you guys to come together, it's for the benefit of your kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's hard to believe that there are no other options besides the parents. Do you guys have any friends that you like and trust to provide care? No extended family?

What happens if one of the grandparents gains custody, and they die (being older and more susceptible to issues that come with age). Do you trust those grandparents to then choose who cares for your kids?

In general, I think it's better to stick with people in your age bracket. They don't have to be married and have kids, but your kids have to feel comfortable with them, and you have to trust them. Sometimes parents and blood relatives don't always have the best interest at heart, just because they're "family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's hard to believe that there are no other options besides the parents. Do you guys have any friends that you like and trust to provide care? No extended family?

What happens if one of the grandparents gains custody, and they die (being older and more susceptible to issues that come with age). Do you trust those grandparents to then choose who cares for your kids?

In general, I think it's better to stick with people in your age bracket. They don't have to be married and have kids, but your kids have to feel comfortable with them, and you have to trust them. Sometimes parents and blood relatives don't always have the best interest at heart, just because they're "family."

Our will states what happens if our guardians divorce, if they die. Then, if that person divorces or dies. Go over this with your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Neither set of grandparents sounds like a healthy option. You'll have to think of someone else. Do you attend a church or have any close friends from childhood or school? I assume you have friends nearby as you said your parents live close enough that DC wouldn't have to change schools. I have my cousin listed for this purpose, but that is because my parents are dead and my only surviving sibling is on too many drugs to remember DC's name.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, Op?

[Anonymous]

You can also stipulate in the will that the other GP that doesn't get custody has the right to spend X number of days or all of the summer with the kids. We did something like that in our Will. You do have to think about the age of GP, especially if your kids are young. If you can though, I'd go with close friends or cousins. It was hard for us to pick too. We had to list all the pros/cons. Some of the cons was about the lifestyle or type of parenting. That is important, too.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound really really immature and petty. I have no idea if your ILs are awful but you also sound like a DIL who is all about her own parents. For you kids you should asap have a considerable life insurance policy so that money is not the consideration. It is the responsible thing to do and frankly you should have done that already so move on that asap. In terms of who should be guardian of your kids, you should pick the most and responsible and if it's your ILs pick them and if it's the other, pick them. I would have a clause involved that the other set of granparents have access and potentially summer vacation something like that and also think boarding school might be a good option along the line to even things up. I would not discuss who is the guardian ahead of time, that will only set up drama and the chance of both of you dying slim.

[Anonymous]

Get plenty of life insurance so that money is not a factor in the decision. Then for god's sake, make some friends! Both of the options you've presented sound miserable for your children. I usually try to take posters at face value bc I understand that you know your own situation, but I find it hard to believe you don't have a cousin, girlfriend, family friend, etc. that you could ask. How do you get through your whole life without having a single close relationship outside of your husband and your parents??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get plenty of life insurance so that money is not a factor in the decision. Then for god's sake, make some friends! Both of the options you've presented sound miserable for your children. I usually try to take posters at face value bc I understand that you know your own situation, but I find it hard to believe you don't have a cousin, girlfriend, family friend, etc. that you could ask. How do you get through your whole life without having a single close relationship outside of your husband and your parents??

There's a big difference between having close friends and having a potential guardian of those friends. Most all of our siblings/friends have an average of three kids. People need to be able to raise another kid if it comes to that.

OP, I'd suggest neither sets of parents or if you do, draw up a shared custody plan. You and your DH sound like you need counseling at any rate, so I'd go even without the custody issue.

[Anonymous]

Really think about whether you have friends who can do this for you. In our case, grandparents were not an option due to age/health/my general insistence that neither set was a solution I could choose and still sleep at night. We have very good friends with kids our kids' ages who will take them, God forbid.

[Anonymous]

Also, besides counseling it might be helpful to consider finding an estate attorney who is good at mediation. All concerns will get addressed, but they will also help get past the emotions to figure out the most viable solution. Good luck, OP - that's a hard spot to be in.

FWIW, DH and I love our parents and siblings very much but still didn't think they would be the best match for DC and have named (and willed, discussed with family, etc.) good friends of ours who would make sure that in the event they were ever her guardians she would still have as similar a life to now as possible plus see both sides of the family. They get us and we trust that she would be in good hands.

If either of you have an "oh hell no" reaction to a choice, the other needs to hear that and learn more about it, even if it gets hackles up. This is between you two right now, but ultimately not about you. Hugs.