Child custody questions if DH and I are both dead
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Anonymous
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DH and I don't have wills right now but are working on them. However, we can't agree on who would get custody of DC if we both die. I know this is really unlikely but we do fly together for work a few times a year. We don't like each others' parents. And my parents and ILs hate each other. "Hate" is an appropriate description for their feelings. Each of us wants our own parents to be appointed DC's guardian if we both die. My parents live closer, so DC wouldn't even have to change schools. His parents live in IL but they have much more money than my parents and if we died without a will they could outspend mine to fight for DC, and I'm sure they would. Neither of us wants DC to go with the other set of parents. DH argues that he hates my mom, my parents are too old (my mom is in her early 70s, my dad is in his late 70s. His parents are about 6 yrs younger. No one has health problems), and his parents are rich so DC's life would be better. He says shit like "you know what the right decision is." DH and I will probably end up in counseling to make this decision because there is no way to compromise - there are no other family members that we would consider. And which ever set of grandparents NOT picked as guardian is going to be hurt and cause drama for us.
So, if we both died without wills, how likely is it that the courts would assign my parents as guardians because they live nearby? Does anyone know if his parents can sue for custody? Or, if I make my own advance directive stating that if DH and I both die at the same time that it is my wish that my parents become DC's guardian, do you think it would be honored even if DH didn't sign it? The directive would be very clear that it was made by just me. I know it sounds awful but if he never makes one and I do, would the courts be more likely to adopt my directive? Does anyone know a good family/child custody lawyer in the NOVA area that DH and I could go to? If we ever make the decision on our own, the will would have to look like a child custody agreement because both DH and I think that the other set of parents, if selected as guardian, would never allow the other set to see DC ever again. Even though both sets of parents have said otherwise, we don't believe them. Especially me. We both want written down who gets to see DC on what holidays/birthdays/summertime, etc. |
Anonymous
| Why are you keeping your options only at grandparents? Are there no trustworthy siblings or other family members? Is there someone local who could do it? Grandparents are not the first best option, especially if they are older. Best option is the one where the kid stays in the same places that s/he knows. |
Anonymous
| PP here - missed the line about no good family options. What about close friends? |
Anonymous
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Neither of you has siblings or even cousins that you could use? That's usually a better choice anyway. (I notice you said there were no other family members you "would" consider - why not?)
If grandparents are really the only, then there are two ways to go: 1. The compromise decision is... not to decide! Let the court decide. If you're both dead then neither of you has to be mad at the outcome. Meanwhile, don't make this a huge problem between you and your husband. (Counseling over something so unlikely actually to matter? Really?) 2. Quite honestly, all other factors being equal, I would decide it based on age. Go with the younger set of grandparents. |
Anonymous
| I'd look to friends with similar parenting style to yours. I don't think either set of gp's would be a good choice. |
Anonymous
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OP here - I'm pretty convinced that the younger grandparents (his) would never let my parents see DC again, just for spite.
Unfortunately, the grandparents are absolutely the only option - my story is odd enough that I'd out myself if I went into details. The counseling would be for other problems related to our parents. Essentially I feel like he chooses his parents over me every single time an issue comes up. The last time they were here, the three of them tried to bully me into making some financial decisions I didn't want to and it turned into a huge argument because DH didn't have my back. |
Anonymous
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I would not pick either set of grandparents. Not only does it all sound a little toxic (to say the least) but you want younger guardians than grandparents' age. Also, by having your child go with one of grandparents, you are essentially cutting him or her off from the other set, since there is so much hostility. Better to have close friend or cousin serve as the guardians, who can then help your child continue a relationship w both.
Also, if your DH's parents would only help support your child with their $$$ if she is living with them, that does not speak well of them. |
Anonymous
Oh, man. I'm sorry. Sounds like counseling might be a really good chance to try and work on this stuff for everyone's sake. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Also, it sounds like your ILs would badmouth you to your child. Is that how you want to be remembered??
Only you know your situation but I would reevaluate your other friends or cousins that may be less than ideal. For example, I have a cousin who I've ruled out as guardian bc we don't share the same religion and they live in a tiny apartment with their own kids in another city. However, I would happily chose them over the grandparents if I had your situation. How old is your child? |
Anonymous
| How does the child feel about each set of grandparents? |
Anonymous
I'd say the custody issue is a red herring. If you feel like he regularly chooses his parents over you etc. then that's what you need to address. Focusing on the (highly unlikely) custody issue is an avoiding tactic. You and DH have work to do. For your child's sake, get busy. |
Anonymous
| Quite honestly, neither set of parents sounds capable of raising your child in a healthy environment. If everything in both your families is so toxic, I suggest you all head to therapy and look inwards for answers. |
Anonymous
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Seeing as there is no one functional enough in your family to have custody of your kids and you are thinking of grandparents as the 'best' option - which doesn't seem like an option at all. I think you need to look to friends or someone outside the family.
The whole family sounds toxic and you an DH are heading down that road of joining the dysfunction. You are a family divided. Get counselling. |
Anonymous
| We went with the siblings that were closest to our same life phase. My sister has two children one and three years youngest than our youngest. SHe and her DH are primary. DH's younger sister has two in college and one two years younger than our youngest. She and her DH are our secondary. DH's other two siblings have children in the 20's and 30's and don't want to deal with younger children again (ours are now in HS, but we did this 15 years ago). Our parents are too old (they were in their later 60s and early 70's when our children were born). All were alive when we did this and three are now dead. My Dad is 83. |
Anonymous
Cool story. Not helpful to the OP at all. |