If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....

[Anonymous]

It could be a couple of things. Working in an ICU or ER where you literally are making life-or-death decisions could make even the most emotionally empathetic person callous to someone complaining about a project getting delayed or "that asshole in IT". That doesn't mean they should always be dismissive of other people's stress however.

My experience is that some specialties seem to attract, if not require, certain personality defects. Seriously- orthopedic and cardiothoracic surgeons always seem to be the biggest assholes. Pediatrics and OB tend to fall on the other end of the spectrum.

Again, I don't know if the relationship is necessarily causal but it exists. At least in my world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be a couple of things. Working in an ICU or ER where you literally are making life-or-death decisions could make even the most emotionally empathetic person callous to someone complaining about a project getting delayed or "that asshole in IT". That doesn't mean they should always be dismissive of other people's stress however.

My experience is that some specialties seem to attract, if not require, certain personality defects. Seriously- orthopedic and cardiothoracic surgeons always seem to be the biggest assholes. Pediatrics and OB tend to fall on the other end of the spectrum.

Again, I don't know if the relationship is necessarily causal but it exists. At least in my world.

I saw a study once where doctors were shown or told sad things and their brains were imaged and areas of the brain that show empathy did not light up the way they did in others.

I once had a convo with a nurse or tech while she was making a cast for me. She told me she only will go on dates with "ologists" never "surgeons." So, neurologist, yes,, neurosurgeon, no. Cardiologist, yes, cardiac surgeon, no.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

OP, what's the old saying - the dentist's children have the worst teeth? As a child of a physician, I found that all my ailments were downplayed by the physician parent. Isn't that the norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

That's not a doctor thing, that's a wife thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

Yeah, that's obnoxious, don't say say that. And yes, doctors are like that, and it is annoying, and it's mean and bad for the relationship.

Just be nice, say, you'll feel better soon, honey! Sorry you feel bad.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a doctor and I get annoyed with my husband when he has a man cold. Especially when I've had the cold too and didn't act like I was dying from the plague. I have yet to meet a man who doesn't overreact when sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unsympathetic to their needs?

I'm a critical care/ICU doctor and sometimes, I can't bear what a big deal my DH makes out of small problems. It drives me bananas. Just want to know if I'm alone.

I am not married to a doctor, but I have many family members who are doctors.

Unlike most women, in the dating world I consider being a doctor a negative. I think becoming a doctor tends to turn MOST people into unsympathetic, arrogant, smug jerks. I might consider people who go into rheumatology, sleep medicine, and other fields like that. But generally, doctors tend to have empathy deficits.

And, since most went straight through school, they are often ignorant as to how it is to work in most office jobs. They have no understanding for what it is like to struggle to apply for jobs, promotions, stay employed, etc. they are very secure in their own jobs and feel smug about it and really tend to look down on people who struggle in their careers because they can't relate to that.

I, too, have many family members who are doctors, and I could not agree more!

I am a non-physician (and a man) married to a surgeon...and yes, I concur too.

MDs tend to go through life after being accepted to Med school having the notion that they are a special chosen class of people constantly reinforced, with an army of little people whose job it is to go through life sweeping and smoothing the path in front of them. They do work their asses off to get into med school, an increasingly competitive game among grade mongers. And they truly work their asses off in residency where they spend a lot of time as subservient slave labor to attendings and other senior MDs, with the expectation that they get to turn it around when they finish. I was a hard science major in college and avoided the pre-meds like the plague for this reason, but still got stuck tutoring and carrying a couple of chowder head premed lab partners through Organic and Biology (the latter worried me frankly). These experiences combine to further isolate them from "the real world" and cement their self-perception as a special class of people.

I was warned by a professional therapist before I got engaged that I should be prepared to deal with the consequences of this and go into it with eyes wide open, and it was excellent advice. Not being impressed by my MD spouse as a deity (and willing to challenge her "authority" on a scientific basis) actually probably helped me be more attractive to her; without that I probably wouldn't have garnered enough respect to be attractive. But you have to remember that these folks often don't have to deal with the same shit the rest of us do - they have nurses and PAs and office staff...lots of little people to take care of the hassles...and cut them some slack for having a little bit of a tin ear.

In all fairness to the OP, one of my wife's partners is married to a slightly nutty/unstable SAHM who doesn't seem to be able to manage even the smallest problems, so I can see that too - and really that's a problem that has nothing to do with being a doctor or in a 'mixed medical marriage'. I haven't read the whole thread so perhaps the OP has elaborated with examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

Ok, I'm the PP and I see you did follow-up. Yes, it sounds like he's being a little whingey. But also: seriously, check your job at the door. You're "right" about him needing some perspective, but he doesn't have the benefit of the same exposure/experiences you do. I dunno, I'm one of those people who believes they don't get sick (I just block all memories of it) and when I do get sick, I want to be left alone, no sympathy, no nothing. So maybe that helps.

On the empathy thing in general (and not directed to the OP): I think MDs have to harden up a bit - the pediatric oncology example is good but extreme. I just think they see a very different "picture" of suffering than the rest of us do (a completely skewed sampling) which makes them safety-nazis and unempathetic. Cut them some slack for this. Also: Cardio-thoracic and Orthopedic are at the top of the pecking order in Residency; (family) medicine and pediatrics are much lower. The biggest swinging dick gets to have an even more inflated sense of superiority (and assholery). I think it's whack, but my wife has a visceral contempt for most groin-ocologists. Of course she is mostly working with them only when she's fixing their surgical fuckups.

[Anonymous]

Ha! PP again: one last thought for the OP. I expect my wife to be somewhat empathetic for my gripes because I put up with the 3AM beeper and phone convos from head-case pts who need that gentle stroking. These things are two way streets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

This just sounds like the typical whiny man-cold. The fact that he's annoying doesn't have anything to do with the fact that your a doctor, it's because your the wife that has to deal with the man-cold.

Having a sick husband is exhausting because the constant whining will make even the most empathetic woman roll her eyes and grab a strong drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."

That's not a doctor thing, that's a wife thing.

+1. Not a doctor, but my very good girlfriend is an ER doc. We're not so different. Both our DHs, when sick, seem to just fall apart. I think that a majority of DHs regress to infantilism when sick (but there is a sizable minority who don't).

Ha, btw when I'm sick, I have to keep reminding my DH throughout the day. The next day he'll be like, "you're still sick?"

[Anonymous]

^^ and just want to say, my DH is a great guy. Just saying that this is a common issue between husbands and wives, and a DW being a doctor and constantly exposed to "real" (serious) problems, probably just exacerbates the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a doctor and I get annoyed with my husband when he has a man cold. Especially when I've had the cold too and didn't act like I was dying from the plague. I have yet to meet a man who doesn't overreact when sick.

Lol. Yep, that's the stereotype- men whining about every sniffle and running to the doctor with an ear ache.

[Anonymous]

Yea, that's a man-cold. I don't think your being a dr is a big factor there.

Though I will admit to rolling my eyes at dh's "man-sick" last summer, and it turned out to be appendicitis. Whoops! I felt pretty bad about that one.