How exactly do you get rejected for sex?

[Anonymous]

I used to initiate by kissing, pushing her on the couch, starting to take her clothes off, groping and other direct, nonverbal means. After kids and during a long stretch with a particular birth control, she'd push me away or be nonresponsive and, if asked for a reason, talk about feeling bloated or tired or not in the mood. As these rejections became more frequent and continued to sting more and more, my initiations became more tentative.

Instead of direct, nonverbal initiations, they became less frequent and more of the "wanna do it" variety. When she rejected those, there was often the promise of sex later. "Not tonight, maybe tomorrow." There was rarely, if ever, any follow through on tomorrow.

Now, the kids are older, the birth control issue has been addressed, and I have told my wife that our lackluster sex life is a problem in our marriage. I am making an effort to return to the strong, nonverbal initiations. I am also making an effort to keep going through the "I'm tireds" and help get her warmed up in spite of the inertia. But, if she just flat out says "no," I respect that and do my level best to accept it cheerfully and just try again tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to initiate by kissing, pushing her on the couch, starting to take her clothes off, groping and other direct, nonverbal means. After kids and during a long stretch with a particular birth control, she'd push me away or be nonresponsive and, if asked for a reason, talk about feeling bloated or tired or not in the mood. As these rejections became more frequent and continued to sting more and more, my initiations became more tentative.

Instead of direct, nonverbal initiations, they became less frequent and more of the "wanna do it" variety. When she rejected those, there was often the promise of sex later. "Not tonight, maybe tomorrow." There was rarely, if ever, any follow through on tomorrow.

Now, the kids are older, the birth control issue has been addressed, and I have told my wife that our lackluster sex life is a problem in our marriage. I am making an effort to return to the strong, nonverbal initiations. I am also making an effort to keep going through the "I'm tireds" and help get her warmed up in spite of the inertia. But, if she just flat out says "no," I respect that and do my level best to accept it cheerfully and just try again tomorrow.

Wife here. That sounds miserable. Is she putting in the same amount of effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sex with a woman I've known for years. I banged her good for a few hours recently then called her a dumbass and held up the peace sign as I walked away. I'm an asshole, yes. However, she keeps coming back despite my rejections after sex. I should feel guilt about treating her badly but I don't because she has some of the best snatch I have ever found.

I know your joking but I have male acquaintances who have treated girls like absolute shit, and yet these girls are on the doorstep the second the guy texts saying he wants a hook up. And these girls are in their mid 20s. Makes me so sad.

Sadly, it's very true. Men can be jerks. Myself very much included. The women are willing so why not take it? The moment she says bugger off, I'll stop, take my rejection. Yet, she never does.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I will answer honestly.

If I'm not in the mood, I will attempt to signal this subtly well before bed. Remarks about long exhausting day, looking forward to early bed time, hoping to read myself to sleep quickly, etc. I put on the least attractive sleep clothes I own. I lie on my side facing away from him. If he tries to initiate sex, I tell him that I love him very much, but that I am exhausted and just want to go to sleep, that I hope to feel better on the morrow.

We have sex on average 5x/week. The "rejections" are not related to low desire or lack of attraction, but to genuine exhaustion. I don't like having sex during my period usually. I don't like having sex when I'm sick. H and I are pretty much on the same page about all of that, and he's secure in our sexual relationship. Honestly, he does the same thing some nights!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to initiate by kissing, pushing her on the couch, starting to take her clothes off, groping and other direct, nonverbal means. After kids and during a long stretch with a particular birth control, she'd push me away or be nonresponsive and, if asked for a reason, talk about feeling bloated or tired or not in the mood. As these rejections became more frequent and continued to sting more and more, my initiations became more tentative.

Instead of direct, nonverbal initiations, they became less frequent and more of the "wanna do it" variety. When she rejected those, there was often the promise of sex later. "Not tonight, maybe tomorrow." There was rarely, if ever, any follow through on tomorrow.

Now, the kids are older, the birth control issue has been addressed, and I have told my wife that our lackluster sex life is a problem in our marriage. I am making an effort to return to the strong, nonverbal initiations. I am also making an effort to keep going through the "I'm tireds" and help get her warmed up in spite of the inertia. But, if she just flat out says "no," I respect that and do my level best to accept it cheerfully and just try again tomorrow.

Wife here. That sounds miserable. Is she putting in the same amount of effort?

She puts a lot of effort into the family but no, not into the sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I will answer honestly.

If I'm not in the mood, I will attempt to signal this subtly well before bed. Remarks about long exhausting day, looking forward to early bed time, hoping to read myself to sleep quickly, etc. I put on the least attractive sleep clothes I own. I lie on my side facing away from him. If he tries to initiate sex, I tell him that I love him very much, but that I am exhausted and just want to go to sleep, that I hope to feel better on the morrow.

We have sex on average 5x/week. The "rejections" are not related to low desire or lack of attraction, but to genuine exhaustion. I don't like having sex during my period usually. I don't like having sex when I'm sick. H and I are pretty much on the same page about all of that, and he's secure in our sexual relationship. Honestly, he does the same thing some nights!

Rejections in a 5x/week marriage are a whole different animal than rejections in a 1x/month marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sex with a woman I've known for years. I banged her good for a few hours recently then called her a dumbass and held up the peace sign as I walked away. I'm an asshole, yes. However, she keeps coming back despite my rejections after sex. I should feel guilt about treating her badly but I don't because she has some of the best snatch I have ever found.

I know your joking but I have male acquaintances who have treated girls like absolute shit, and yet these girls are on the doorstep the second the guy texts saying he wants a hook up. And these girls are in their mid 20s. Makes me so sad.

Sadly, it's very true. Men can be jerks. Myself very much included. The women are willing so why not take it? The moment she says bugger off, I'll stop, take my rejection. Yet, she never does.

I've seen a lot of derogatory Internet stuff about "bros" lately. But the fact is there are more hot girls hooking up with "bros" than are hooking up with guys who are more introverted but better human beings. Women like confidence. Whether that confidence is irrational, unwarranted asshole confidence or confidence based on actual merit seems mostly incidental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I will answer honestly.

If I'm not in the mood, I will attempt to signal this subtly well before bed. Remarks about long exhausting day, looking forward to early bed time, hoping to read myself to sleep quickly, etc. I put on the least attractive sleep clothes I own. I lie on my side facing away from him. If he tries to initiate sex, I tell him that I love him very much, but that I am exhausted and just want to go to sleep, that I hope to feel better on the morrow.

We have sex on average 5x/week. The "rejections" are not related to low desire or lack of attraction, but to genuine exhaustion. I don't like having sex during my period usually. I don't like having sex when I'm sick. H and I are pretty much on the same page about all of that, and he's secure in our sexual relationship. Honestly, he does the same thing some nights!

Rejections in a 5x/week marriage are a whole different animal than rejections in a 1x/month marriage.

PP here. I agree, but I answered what was asked. I am sure that the means of rejection (what OP asked for) are similar to those a low desire person employs. I can see how it would be seen as making excuses, but I also try to make my non interest clear early so that we don't get to outright rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rejections in a 5x/week marriage are a whole different animal than rejections in a 1x/month marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm in a 1x a week marriage and DH is NOT happy about it. He gets rejected about 3xs/wk.

He likes to stay up late. I lay in bed and read. If I hear him coming upstairs, I quickly flick off the light and pretend to be sleeping. I also pull the headache maneuver in anticipation. For me, I always try to shut it down before the asking starts.

Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night with a dick rammed into my ass cheek. Normally this sends me seeing red in the middle of the night (because I'm an insomniac and every second of sleep is precious) and often a slurry of four letter words come tumbling out of my mouth. He tries that move because it is successful 10% of the time and is find risking my wrath in the off chance he gets it in.

[Anonymous]

Sure, since I'm anonymous here, I can share. My husband gets into bed, lies on his back. I move over, put my head on his shoulder, my hand on his stomache. We lie there a few minutes. I say, "do you want to kiss" he says, "no, this is good." If he won't kiss me, there's no sex. I take care of myself about 3X a week. I have sex with my husband about 3 or 4 times a month.

Sometimes he waits until he's pretty sure I'm asleep before turning off the TV and coming to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I will answer honestly.

If I'm not in the mood, I will attempt to signal this subtly well before bed. Remarks about long exhausting day, looking forward to early bed time, hoping to read myself to sleep quickly, etc. I put on the least attractive sleep clothes I own. I lie on my side facing away from him. If he tries to initiate sex, I tell him that I love him very much, but that I am exhausted and just want to go to sleep, that I hope to feel better on the morrow.

We have sex on average 5x/week. The "rejections" are not related to low desire or lack of attraction, but to genuine exhaustion. I don't like having sex during my period usually. I don't like having sex when I'm sick. H and I are pretty much on the same page about all of that, and he's secure in our sexual relationship. Honestly, he does the same thing some nights!

Wow, I had sex a few weeks ago when I had both my period and a sinus infection. I get it so rarely I didn't want to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a 1x a week marriage and DH is NOT happy about it. He gets rejected about 3xs/wk.

He likes to stay up late. I lay in bed and read. If I hear him coming upstairs, I quickly flick off the light and pretend to be sleeping. I also pull the headache maneuver in anticipation. For me, I always try to shut it down before the asking starts.

Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night with a dick rammed into my ass cheek. Normally this sends me seeing red in the middle of the night (because I'm an insomniac and every second of sleep is precious) and often a slurry of four letter words come tumbling out of my mouth. He tries that move because it is successful 10% of the time and is find risking my wrath in the off chance he gets it in.

If you're pretending to sleep, it's probably tough for him to take your claims of insomnia very seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a 1x a week marriage and DH is NOT happy about it. He gets rejected about 3xs/wk.

He likes to stay up late. I lay in bed and read. If I hear him coming upstairs, I quickly flick off the light and pretend to be sleeping. I also pull the headache maneuver in anticipation. For me, I always try to shut it down before the asking starts.

Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night with a dick rammed into my ass cheek. Normally this sends me seeing red in the middle of the night (because I'm an insomniac and every second of sleep is precious) and often a slurry of four letter words come tumbling out of my mouth. He tries that move because it is successful 10% of the time and is find risking my wrath in the off chance he gets it in.

If you're pretending to sleep, it's probably tough for him to take your claims of insomnia very seriously.

Sex or not, as for my sleep issues, I have no problem getting to sleep, it is staying asleep that is the issue, especially if I'm woken (or wake) after 1am.

[Anonymous]

Op here, I'm so sorry, I should have made clear I'm talking about people in long-term relationships, mainly married people. Should have made that clear, I'm a little myopic and forgot there are singles and younger folks here on dcum as well. Thank you all for your responses so far.

I just have this feeling that for women it's like "Oh honey, not tonight" and it's no big deal, but for the guy he's crushed and frustrated and it builds up inside him after awhile. I want to understand the emotional aspect from both sides so I can write about it.