Wives, does mens' need for sex make you angry?

[Anonymous]

umm no. I want it much more often than my husband. I am so sick of this stereotype of sexless women. It's all about the individual, not the gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

The downer for me (as a DW) is that DH KNOWS that i get stressed when there are a ton of things that need to just get done, and every single damn time I need to tell him. And whomever said that laundry is not as important as sex obviously is not a relationship where both parents work FT and one of us (yes, that would be me) takes care of or has to keep track of most of the laundry, grocery shopping, school forms, camp forms, doctors' appointments, shopping, bill payment, communicating with contractors, nanny/daycare, housekeeping, sports schedules, music lessons, playdates, etc. When I have an hour free, there is always something that needs to be done--and DH refuses to anticipate that these things just have to get done. Either I have to tell him to do it, or it won't get done.

Not to pick on you PP, but please tell us how this relates to maintaining an intimate connection as a married couple. Trust me...I can ALWAYS find an excuse NOT to have sex with my DH. He is not the best when it comes to household responsibilities and I sometimes find myself managing every doggone thing. But upon the advice of a counselor, I realized that if we were going to make it I was going to have to take that connection (including sex) as a positive aspect of our marriage, not a burden. We have gotten through a lot of rough times because our connection has been a comfort. I get overwhelmed and stressed, but nothing relieves my stress better than a nice session. I do ALL of the stuff that you list but even I realize that sometimes things can wait for a nice conversation or a quick burst of quality time. Your house can run like a well oiled machine, but if your realtionship with your spouse goes to hell, that machine is not worth squat.

So...I work FT and manage the household and I will say that keeeping a connection as a married couple (including regular sex) IS more important than laundry. LOL. And the fact that I can still cause that twinkle in his eye IS a positive and the desire. When that twinkle is not there any longer, then you have problems.

To answer OP's question, it does not make me angry at all. We are playful with each other (sending texts, etc.) and it can be sexy and funny. I ask him for it as much as he asks me. It turns me on that my DH desires me because of lot my friends complain that their DH's are not interested anymore. However, if it is not a good time, I tell him so. But I always make sure he knows that the wait will not be too long and I follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

The downer for me (as a DW) is that DH KNOWS that i get stressed when there are a ton of things that need to just get done, and every single damn time I need to tell him. And whomever said that laundry is not as important as sex obviously is not a relationship where both parents work FT and one of us (yes, that would be me) takes care of or has to keep track of most of the laundry, grocery shopping, school forms, camp forms, doctors' appointments, shopping, bill payment, communicating with contractors, nanny/daycare, housekeeping, sports schedules, music lessons, playdates, etc. When I have an hour free, there is always something that needs to be done--and DH refuses to anticipate that these things just have to get done. Either I have to tell him to do it, or it won't get done.

Not to pick on you PP, but please tell us how this relates to maintaining an intimate connection as a married couple. Trust me...I can ALWAYS find an excuse NOT to have sex with my DH. He is not the best when it comes to household responsibilities and I sometimes find myself managing every doggone thing. But upon the advice of a counselor, I realized that if we were going to make it I was going to have to take that connection (including sex) as a positive aspect of our marriage, not a burden. We have gotten through a lot of rough times because our connection has been a comfort. I get overwhelmed and stressed, but nothing relieves my stress better than a nice session. I do ALL of the stuff that you list but even I realize that sometimes things can wait for a nice conversation or a quick burst of quality time. Your house can run like a well oiled machine, but if your realtionship with your spouse goes to hell, that machine is not worth squat.

So...I work FT and manage the household and I will say that keeeping a connection as a married couple (including regular sex) IS more important than laundry. LOL. And the fact that I can still cause that twinkle in his eye IS a positive and the desire. When that twinkle is not there any longer, then you have problems.

To answer OP's question, it does not make me angry at all. We are playful with each other (sending texts, etc.) and it can be sexy and funny. I ask him for it as much as he asks me. It turns me on that my DH desires me because of lot my friends complain that their DH's are not interested anymore. However, if it is not a good time, I tell him so. But I always make sure he knows that the wait will not be too long and I follow through.

I'm not the PP, but for me the connection is that it's really hard for me to relax when there are still things that need to be done. That's not just about sex. It's about watching TV. It's about taking a hot bath. It's about going to yoga or whatever. Those are things that, for me, come after the work is done. The work would get done faster if there were two people doing it, and my husband is pretty great about doing things when I ask him about a specific thing. Keeping the house from falling apart and everyone fed isn't always the first thing on his mind. Having sex isn't always the first thing on mine, and if I am up to my elbows in dishwasher and facing down taking out the trash and changing the cat's litter box because those things need to happen (or else GROSS), having him try to initiate sex is the worst timing ever.

I'm not saying that I would 100% always be ready to go if he took out the trash and changed the litterbox first, but when I get home from work, I have an "agenda" and there are certain things that I need to take care of before I can relax enough to do the fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

12:32 here. I'm not saying that a sexual relationship isn't important. It is. We actually have a really great sex life, better than most of our friends if my ladyfriends are being honest. But when he prioritizes having sex over everything else that needs to happen in our life, I am a bit annoyed by it. Work first, then play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:umm no. I want it much more often than my husband. I am so sick of this stereotype of sexless women. It's all about the individual, not the gender.

+1. Another woman here.

My DH uses anger to push away my request for more sex, i.e., he will seem upset about it, but it is really a defense mechanism (as he freely admits when not in the moment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

The downer for me (as a DW) is that DH KNOWS that i get stressed when there are a ton of things that need to just get done, and every single damn time I need to tell him. And whomever said that laundry is not as important as sex obviously is not a relationship where both parents work FT and one of us (yes, that would be me) takes care of or has to keep track of most of the laundry, grocery shopping, school forms, camp forms, doctors' appointments, shopping, bill payment, communicating with contractors, nanny/daycare, housekeeping, sports schedules, music lessons, playdates, etc. When I have an hour free, there is always something that needs to be done--and DH refuses to anticipate that these things just have to get done. Either I have to tell him to do it, or it won't get done.

Not to pick on you PP, but please tell us how this relates to maintaining an intimate connection as a married couple. Trust me...I can ALWAYS find an excuse NOT to have sex with my DH. He is not the best when it comes to household responsibilities and I sometimes find myself managing every doggone thing. But upon the advice of a counselor, I realized that if we were going to make it I was going to have to take that connection (including sex) as a positive aspect of our marriage, not a burden. We have gotten through a lot of rough times because our connection has been a comfort. I get overwhelmed and stressed, but nothing relieves my stress better than a nice session. I do ALL of the stuff that you list but even I realize that sometimes things can wait for a nice conversation or a quick burst of quality time. Your house can run like a well oiled machine, but if your realtionship with your spouse goes to hell, that machine is not worth squat.

So...I work FT and manage the household and I will say that keeeping a connection as a married couple (including regular sex) IS more important than laundry. LOL. And the fact that I can still cause that twinkle in his eye IS a positive and the desire. When that twinkle is not there any longer, then you have problems.

To answer OP's question, it does not make me angry at all. We are playful with each other (sending texts, etc.) and it can be sexy and funny. I ask him for it as much as he asks me. It turns me on that my DH desires me because of lot my friends complain that their DH's are not interested anymore. However, if it is not a good time, I tell him so. But I always make sure he knows that the wait will not be too long and I follow through.

I'm not the PP, but for me the connection is that it's really hard for me to relax when there are still things that need to be done. That's not just about sex. It's about watching TV. It's about taking a hot bath. It's about going to yoga or whatever. Those are things that, for me, come after the work is done. The work would get done faster if there were two people doing it, and my husband is pretty great about doing things when I ask him about a specific thing. Keeping the house from falling apart and everyone fed isn't always the first thing on his mind. Having sex isn't always the first thing on mine, and if I am up to my elbows in dishwasher and facing down taking out the trash and changing the cat's litter box because those things need to happen (or else GROSS), having him try to initiate sex is the worst timing ever.

I'm not saying that I would 100% always be ready to go if he took out the trash and changed the litterbox first, but when I get home from work, I have an "agenda" and there are certain things that I need to take care of before I can relax enough to do the fun stuff.

PP here. I have to give my DH more credit because he would never try to initiate sex if I am knee deep in some household task. I would hope that most men are more savvy than that. I guess not. LOL!!

I think my point is that we can ALWAYS create the "agenda" because, let's face it, there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done or that could be done. At a certain point, it makes sense to sometimes step back and say WHAT is most important here?

Maybe I am the problem. LOL! Because after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids, I can relax even if everything on my list is not done. My list is more of a "best case" document than an agenda. LOL!! And we have survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So

-are you sure there are no physical issues that have changed her sex drive?
-are you not connected as much as you used to be? When was the last time you tried a new couples-only activity or hobby?
-are you sure she isn't angry or resentful about something else?
-do you sincerely compliment her for both her looks and what she does for you and the family?

OP here.
1. If there are physical issues, it's don't ask/don't tell.
2. We've been trying to do more of that, but running the household is a full time job that we do together. Most of our couples-only time is in front of the TV after the kids are in bed.
3. No, but I'd have no clue what it is. I've certainly got my faults (we all do) but when I look around, the bar is pathetically low when it comes to being a good husband.
4. Yes. All the time.

As to someone else's question: I'm in excellent shape and I shower at least once, and often twice a day. I'm surprised that so many people ask the question about hygiene. Who are these cave men who aren't hygienic?

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of low drive women think they'd want sex more if only the chores were done. I think some low drive women actually would want sex more if the chores were done. But in most cases, I'd say that they're fooling themselves. If sex is a low enough priority, there will *always* be one more thing to do before you're too tired and just want to sleep.

Fact is, when you're attracted enough, people get awfully creative about fitting sex into the schedule. For example, scheduling pressure doesn't seem to prevent people having affairs from having sex before the laundry's done.

If you don't have time for sex, chances are you don't want to have time for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So

-are you sure there are no physical issues that have changed her sex drive?
-are you not connected as much as you used to be? When was the last time you tried a new couples-only activity or hobby?
-are you sure she isn't angry or resentful about something else?
-do you sincerely compliment her for both her looks and what she does for you and the family?

OP here.
1. If there are physical issues, it's don't ask/don't tell.
2. We've been trying to do more of that, but running the household is a full time job that we do together. Most of our couples-only time is in front of the TV after the kids are in bed.
3. No, but I'd have no clue what it is. I've certainly got my faults (we all do) but when I look around, the bar is pathetically low when it comes to being a good husband.
4. Yes. All the time.

As to someone else's question: I'm in excellent shape and I shower at least once, and often twice a day. I'm surprised that so many people ask the question about hygiene. Who are these cave men who aren't hygienic?

Actually no. The bar is pretty high for our generation. Just because you might see other men getting away with a lot doesn't mean that their wives don't notice. Spouses are expected to do much more in our time than they ever had before. See the recent NYT article on the all or nothing marriage http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html It's pretty insightful.

I expected an awful lot of my spouse and he's lived up to it all. He's like superman and it drives me to be superwoman to him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So

-are you sure there are no physical issues that have changed her sex drive?
-are you not connected as much as you used to be? When was the last time you tried a new couples-only activity or hobby?
-are you sure she isn't angry or resentful about something else?
-do you sincerely compliment her for both her looks and what she does for you and the family?

OP here.
1. If there are physical issues, it's don't ask/don't tell.
2. We've been trying to do more of that, but running the household is a full time job that we do together. Most of our couples-only time is in front of the TV after the kids are in bed.
3. No, but I'd have no clue what it is. I've certainly got my faults (we all do) but when I look around, the bar is pathetically low when it comes to being a good husband.
4. Yes. All the time.

As to someone else's question: I'm in excellent shape and I shower at least once, and often twice a day. I'm surprised that so many people ask the question about hygiene. Who are these cave men who aren't hygienic?

Not PP but #2, our marriage counselor prescribed taking off work 1 time per month to go on an all day date, no kids. (We have no other babysitter in the area.) It was a sacrifice, but cheaper than divorce.

Also, my H would ask at ridiculously irrational times (like when the baby was in the bath - um okay NO I don't want to risk my child drowning), during a 5 year old birthday party (the kids were just in the bouncy anyway)... how is your timing? bad timing pisses me off.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty awesome husband and father. My wife acknowledges that. (She's also a pretty awesome wife and mother for that matter.) She wants to want to have sex with me, and it makes her sad and anxious that she doesn't. On her own, sex once, maybe twice, a month would be enough. She makes an effort and we manage almost once a week these days. But, while she feels sad and anxious about my desire for sex, I feel depressed about her lack of attraction to me. We've been married for 15 years and deeply love, respect, and like one another. But the sex issue is a definite challenge for us.

[Anonymous]

She probably just doesn't want to tell you that your equipment is inadequate. Even if you bring it up, she'll probably deny it just to spare your feelings. But really, that's the basic problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably just doesn't want to tell you that your equipment is inadequate. Even if you bring it up, she'll probably deny it just to spare your feelings. But really, that's the basic problem.

No problems there, friend. Trust me on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a pretty awesome husband and father. My wife acknowledges that. (She's also a pretty awesome wife and mother for that matter.) She wants to want to have sex with me, and it makes her sad and anxious that she doesn't. On her own, sex once, maybe twice, a month would be enough. She makes an effort and we manage almost once a week these days. But, while she feels sad and anxious about my desire for sex, I feel depressed about her lack of attraction to me. We've been married for 15 years and deeply love, respect, and like one another. But the sex issue is a definite challenge for us.

are we married?

[Anonymous]

Hi, NP here. OP, take a look at your "playful" come-ons. My DH is the worst at this, and I've told him that anytime he uses a certain come-on or not so blatant hint, I will always say no. They actually make me angry, they're so lame.